AIBU to let my SD's boyfriend move in with us?

(36 Posts)
cattypussclaw Sun 31-Jan-16 12:49:16

Be gentle with me ladies, I'm usually just a lurker...

OK, so my SD is 21, lives with her Mum and brothers in a town about an hour or so drive from us. She has a boyfriend, same age, let's call him Bob, that she has been with a few months. Came and stayed with us over New Year. Seems a nice guy, polite, well mannered and very patient with my DD (6) who loves her big sister and wanted to be with her all the time she was here (which some boyfriends might have objected to?).

As I said, SD lives with her Mum has a job and works full time (but funny hours as hospitality industry). Bob can't work because of a back injury. He did tell me exactly what but I can't remember. He did live with his Mum and her boyfriend in London, but fell out with the boyfriend and his Mum asked him to leave. He now doesn't speak to his Mum. His Dad has a new family in Scotland and doesn't have any contact with Bob. Bob is currently sleeping on friend's floors when not with my SD. SD's Mum will let him stay for a few days here and there but will not allow him to move in (she allowed a previous boyfriend of SD to move in, it ended badly).

SD and Bob want to live together. SD is considering renting them a flat in her home town but is on low wages and will bear the responsibility of supporting Bob. We don't see how they can do it until Bob gets a job but Bob can't get a job until he's had his back op and the hospital won't do the back op until he has a stable home to recuperate in. Which he doesn't have because he hasn't got a job to rent one... Vicious circle.

AIBU to let him come and stay with us? Get him registered with the local GP, get him under the local hospital and get his back sorted. Then he can get a job and go rent with SD and they'll live happily ever after. Maybe.

I know there will need to be ground rules and him and SD may well not be together forever but AIBU to think that someone needs to step up and help him out of this Catch-22? His parents aren't interested (I'm struggling not to judge them but I obviously only know Bob's side of the story). It would be great for my DD as obviously my SD would be here when not working for a few days so she would see more of her... I appreciate that I don't really know this young man and I have a young daughter to think about. Am I opening myself up to a potential load of trouble? My OH says it is entirely up to me as I'm the one whose face he'll be in all day, every day (I'm a SAHM).

Sorry, this is long, didn't want to drip feed. What do you think?

stayathomegardener Sun 31-Jan-16 12:56:47

I would do it.
But what happens if SD and Bob break up before he is fully recovered?
You couldn't kick him out and DSD may not want to visit with him there.

AgentProvocateur Sun 31-Jan-16 13:10:43

I would do it as well - it sounds like he needs a break in life.

Noctilucent Sun 31-Jan-16 13:14:14

No, don't do it. You don't know him and you don't know the full background to his no contact with his mother. He may not be your SD's boyfriend tomorrow. Plus, if they have any kind of fight under your roof, it means she no longer has a safe and neutral space to retreat to. And perhaps neither would you. You can help him in other ways.

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Jan-16 13:20:47

I've never heard of hospitals refusing treatment because there isn't a stable home. I didn't know they asked that sort of question. Wouldn't he be eligible for a council property if that's the case?

What's stopping him from getting a house share? I think I'd sooner give him the money for a month's deposit and a month's rent in advance and let him get housing benefit from then on. He will cost you a lot in terms of time, food, etc anyway - easier to just give him/lend him the money.

icanteven Sun 31-Jan-16 13:21:30

Nope. Stay out of it.

All I'm hearing in this story is a homeless man who is unable to support himself and has form for for falling out with family members, and you want to install him and make him your step-daughter's responsibility.

OF COURSE there might be huge mitigating factors but he has known your stepdaughter for just a few months, and she is practically still a child herself. Why should she be burdened with all this? With a man she barely knows?

Naturally, I'm going to be flamed to high heaven here by all sorts of people who were down on their luck at 21 and if perfect strangers hadn't showered them with generosity, they would be dead now etc. etc. but please don't put this on your step daughter. You don't have to become this man's fairy godmother. He has a family of his own already and has the choice to make amends with them.

cattypussclaw Sun 31-Jan-16 14:08:10

Thanks for the replies, ladies. You've given me some food for thought. 

SD doesn't visit us often any more. She booked New Year off months ago so she could see us all as, working in a large hotel (don't think that's giving anything away), she tends to be busiest at the times when we could best see her (weekends and holidays). My DD gets quite upset that she doesn't come and stay every weekend like she used to. She'd be unlikely to visit again for months as she'd either be working or be with Bob so it will at least ensure my daughter sees her more regularly. So gardener, if they broke up while he was with us, it wouldn't really cause a problem for SD as she wouldn't be here. 

That's how I feel, Agent. Someone needs to give the guy a break. 

True N*octi*, I don't know the full story with either of his parents but falling out with a Mum's new boyfriend doesn't seem too far fetched. And he hasn't fallen out with his Dad, his Dad has just moved on and left him behind. 

My understanding, Imperial, is that the hospital is reluctant to perform surgery if he doesn't have somewhere stable he can go back to and recuperate for six weeks, otherwise he'll end up back in hospital. He must let his back heal properly and sleeping on mate's floors and sofas wasn't cutting it with the hospital. It actually hadn't occurred to me about benefits, I just think I assumed that, as a single person with no dependents, he'd be entitled to a pittance.

No, I hear you, icant, but I'm hardly making him my SD's responsibility, I guess I'm making him mine and her Dad's. And why can't I be his fairy godmother? If his parents (for whatever reason) aren't going to be, it would be nice if someone else is? I guess I just find it hard to understand. I'm in my 40s and my parents would still be there for me, still bail me out of whatever I got into. 

I have to admit I hadn't thought of a house share. Will look into that. I did talk to my husband about acting as guarantor for them renting but not sure about that either. Aaaagh! Part of me is thinking we should say, "welcome to the real world" and leaving them to get on with it. But most of me wants to help, like I was helped by my parents. If we can give them a leg up, why not?

theycallmemellojello Sun 31-Jan-16 14:15:20

I wouldn't. His situation is a shame, but you've got to look out for your SD first and foremost. They've been together a few months - it's too soon to be living together at all, and it's worse to have him in the family home - at least if they rent a flat together and things go wrong she can escape back to your place. It will also be much harder for SD to break up with him if she feels (a) that you have grown fond of him etc and (b) that her breaking up with him means that he won't have his place to recuperate from operation. Way too much this early in a relationship, especially as she's so young. Bob needs to go into the CAB - it sounds like his health condition might make him a priority for local authority housing. I think that the urge to play fairy godmother is a lovely one, but it shouldn't be for SD's boyfriends - imo it's not fair on SD for your loyalty to go to a bf that early in their relationship.

cattypussclaw Sun 31-Jan-16 14:21:48

Hmm, everything you say makes perfect sense, mellojello. We (both my OH and myself, as well as her Mum, we're all in agreement about this) have all said that it's too soon, that he needs to get his back sorted and then, when he's working, perhaps they can get a place together. But they want to be together, at their age it's all passion and drama and no practicalities. She doesn't live with us, she lives with her Mum, do him being here won't affect her.

cattypussclaw Sun 31-Jan-16 14:22:05

Hmm, everything you say makes perfect sense, mellojello. We (both my OH and myself, as well as her Mum, we're all in agreement about this) have all said that it's too soon, that he needs to get his back sorted and then, when he's working, perhaps they can get a place together. But they want to be together, at their age it's all passion and drama and no practicalities. She doesn't live with us, she lives with her Mum, do him being here won't affect her.

cattypussclaw Sun 31-Jan-16 14:23:00

Sorry, no idea how I double-posted.

AlwaysHopeful1 Sun 31-Jan-16 14:23:07

I think you would be taking on more than you realize. I wouldn't. What if the op is more complicated and recovery is harder, who will be his carer during this time? Also they are so very young, she's just really met him and what if it doesn't work out? Then you will be caught in the middle of this, and might strain your relationship with her. I think you need to let them figure this one out.

janethegirl2 Sun 31-Jan-16 14:31:44

If you've got enough space and suitable access to a toilet and shower for him to use after the op, I'd probably let him stay. You never know when you or yours may need similar help from a relative stranger.

RubbleBubble00 Sun 31-Jan-16 14:39:51

I would go halfway and suggest to dsd that if she wants to rent a double room in a shared house with bf then you would be happy to pay her deposit. It gives them time and space to sort themselves out and if it isn't working then dsd is only giving up a room

mommy2ash Sun 31-Jan-16 14:44:07

How long exactly have they been dating? He could just be having some horrible luck or he could be a nightmare. At this stage you don't know either way and as you do have a young child at home I wouldn't dream of jumping into something like this

manicinsomniac Sun 31-Jan-16 14:44:35

I think it's really really lovely of you and, if things work out for them, you would probably have a great relationship with them both for life and your daughter would have a great pair of younger adults to be there for her as she grows up too.

Only reservation I would have in your shoes is, how incapacitated will he be after the op? If it's 6 weeks recuperation time, will he be able to toilet and shower independently? Move around at all?

OzzieFem Sun 31-Jan-16 15:05:21

Why isn't there a social worker/almoner involved here from the hospital?

Youarentkiddingme Sun 31-Jan-16 15:06:08

I think the information required b fore any decision is made would be the nature of the Op, the recovery process and what he will and won't be able to do himself.

It's possible he may need full time care for a period of time and that living in a shared house when SD is working won't be possible.
If they can get a shared room or studio flat for an affordable price would you or could you contribute an amount weekly - whatever you feel it would have cost to house the BF - until he is working. That may help your SD out as much as having her DF stay. You can give a definitive timeframe you are willing to support them for.

I'd also check he's receiving all financial support he's entitled to. It might be with a fixed abode there is more available or better opportunity for him?

But, despite all I've said I think you sound kind and generous and your SD is lucky to have a complete set of caring parents in both of her families. If you can house him and help I don't see why not.

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Jan-16 15:22:00

Never, EVER agree to be a guarantor for him. Honestly, you just don't know this young man. You have no idea how honest he is, how hard working he is. If you are a guarantor you could end up paying his rent for a long, long time and lose any deposit on the place, too.

Yes, he would be entitled to a pittance but a lot of people have to live on that pittance. He'd get £87 pw if he was entitled to sickness benefit or £57 for job seekers' allowance. He could also claim for his rent. Is he not claiming anything at the moment?

amarmai Sun 31-Jan-16 15:34:29

op your responsibility is not to this man who has been sooo pleasant to your dd and you , yet cannot be pleasant enuf to his own parents to be welcomed there. You know nothing about him , but he has managed to suck in your step d to be willing to support him?? and you to take him into your home. You cd be putting your own dd in jeopardy by doing this . Red flags all over.

notquitehuman Sun 31-Jan-16 17:26:05

I feel sorry for the guy, but you don't really know him. It seems risky letting him in the house as he could be the house guest from hell, or his recuperation could end up taking months and you'll be stuck running round after him.

I think a double room in a house share is a good idea. I know lots of young couples who've done this. Get a short lease, and then they can look at upgrading once he's better.

He might be able to get housing benefits etc. It's not much but worth looking into.

janeisntaboringname Sun 31-Jan-16 17:31:46

They've only been together a few months OP and as lovely as you are, I wouldn't do it either. It seems strange that he has no one on his side of the family to help as he's fallen out with them all.

cattypussclaw Sun 31-Jan-16 18:39:23

I was so sure that was I was doing was the right thing in a difficult situation but thought I'd just ask for Mumsnet wisdom and now I've completely changed my mind. I do want to help him, he (with SD) was here for almost a week over New Year and I did really like him, thought he was a bit odd but so is my SD (bit nerdy, nothing worrying). But, on reflection and after reading the replies here, I think I need to make my daughter the priority. I'd be letting a man that I hardly know have free run of the house. It's unlikely she'd ever be in the house alone with him and I have absolutely no reason to suspect that he is anything other than a bit of a geek who is utterly harmless. But... she's my little girl. I think paying their deposit and helping them with the rent on their own place might be a better option.

Also, I did message him and ask about a house share and he said he can't do that as he has social anxiety. He also doesn't like other men in the house with SD as he gets paranoid and jealous (v worrying!). I asked about the hospital and his op and he said they kept writing to him with appointments but he never got them as he was always moving about so they took him off their lost for surgery. I also asked if he claims any benefits he's entitled to and he said he used to get JSA but not any more. When I asked him why he said he didn't know. So more than a few red flags popping up now. If he can't be arsed to help himself, why should I? I know that sounds harsh but he doesn't seem to making any effort to resolve his situation.

I worry for my SD. She kind of lets life roll over her and expects things to just land in her lap (although she does work hard). A bit like Bob, by the sound of it. The two of them together will just be apathy personified.

I think we'll offer arms length financial support and see what happens.

Thanks for the advice and help, it's been very useful.

AlwaysHopeful1 Sun 31-Jan-16 18:44:00

Glad that you have changed your mind. As you can see from his answers to your valid questions, it will become a problem for you down the line. He seems to lack any ambition and you would end up in a frustrated situation you can't get rid off. You sound lovely for trying, but your dd and sd are your priority.

seasidesally Sun 31-Jan-16 18:47:45

why dosent he go to the council,they will help him if homeless and may have landlords who take HB,our does

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