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to want to stop 8-yr-old DD going online at friend's house?

(36 Posts)
runningLou Sat 30-Jan-16 12:37:52

DD is 8 and has just told me this morning that at a friend's house on Thurs they were looking up stuff on Google/Youtube (e.g. 'boobies', 'people getting undressed') and also her friend has been sending messages to people on her tablet (DD doesn't fully understand this but I assume she meant chatrooms etc). We keep DC fairly well-protected from online stuff - they watch CBBC on iplayer (we have no TV as such) and look up homework topic stuff on Google, mainly with supervision. I think DD's friends' parents must be aware that she can be inappropriate as they were apparently looking this stuff up on her mum's phone as she was banned from her tablet due to using the words 'shit' and 'my mum sucks' on message boards which her parents saw.
Had a little general safety online chat with DD - e.g. if you see anything upsetting you tell a grown-up, you never give out your address/ school you go to etc but feeling a bit out of my depth TBH.
Kind of want to speak to friend's parents but I know I couldn't do this face to face. Is a text too passive-aggressive? Or, should I just accept this as inevitable?? I just didn't think it would start at 8!!!!

specialsubject Sat 30-Jan-16 12:41:00

it's the equivalent of looking up the rude words in the dictionary - but the dictionary doesn't then show you the stuff they might then find.

contact the parents and ask for a chat about handling this with both your kids. Sounds like they'd want to know and would want to stop it, especially as the other kid has form. Easy solution - turn off the router and take mum's phone away.

IssiePink Sat 30-Jan-16 12:51:55

Talk to DD's friend's parents... I think a text would be fine! smile

Ragwort Sat 30-Jan-16 12:57:43

I really wouldn't send a text, far too PA & it might be read as though you are disapproving of their parenting which you probably are - if you must say something, then have a chat when you drop your DD round. Or just make it clear to your DD that, whatever her friend might do, this is just not appropriate.

But to a certain extent your DD has to accept that different families have different 'rules' and this is just part of growing up. I remember a parent asking me if it was OK for our 13 year olds to play an 18 game on the PS, but at the same time she wouldn't allow her DS to go into our local very quiet town on his own. Different people have different satandards.

GabiSolis Sat 30-Jan-16 13:09:02

I think you probably do need to have the conversation face to face, texts rarely are read they way they are intended to be read. That said, exactly how would you phrase it?

bornwithaplasticspoon Sat 30-Jan-16 13:29:37

Definitely speak face to face. If you don't you won't know if they:

A) don't care what their child does online (in which case you can decide if you want your child going there)

B) genuinely didn't know what their child was up to and will now put parental controls in place and talk to their child.

bloodyteenagers Sat 30-Jan-16 13:58:49

9th February is Safer internet day. Mention you saw it mentioned on someone else twitter/facebook. That you hope they also give parents some info on how to do parental controls etc, how does she control various scenarios and the minefield on forums and pressure from the kids to join even though they aren't suitable for under 13's.

But have a read anyway

Ameliablue Sat 30-Jan-16 14:15:37

Definitely don't text, it will probably come across badly.
Next time you are arranging for her to go over, explain that you found out they were doing inappropriate searches so your DD has been banned from the internet at the moment. If you can't your dd not to go on the internet or the other parent to make sure they don't, then I probably wouldn't allow her to go.

ToucheShay Sat 30-Jan-16 14:19:31

I don't think children are ever too young to know about the dangers of technology.

I remember DC's teacher saying it is better to work with children to use technology safely rather than shield or ban them from it. This is because they will always be one step ahead of us, be more savvy, able to get around 'locks' etc

I would prefer my DCs to talk to me about what they do on the internet, chat rooms, video rooms (is this a thing?) etc, but DH also uses some software to check as well.

Nanny0gg Sat 30-Jan-16 14:22:30

I agree with talking about internet safety, but if her parents allow her to do things that you think are totally inappropriate (equivalent of watching 18 videos or playing GTA imo) then I doubt I'd let her go there.

Have the friend at yours where you can keep an eye on them.

kawliga Sat 30-Jan-16 14:59:27

Or, should I just accept this as inevitable??

I don't get this question. Your dd is 8. She still lives with you, she still values your opinion, she still relies on you, she is still a child. You still have a way to influence her upbringing. You still have some control over where she goes for playdates. She has told you what they were doing, which means she wants you to be her parent, and parent her, ffs. Give her some guidance. How can you be asking whether you should just accept it as inevitable?

If she was 18 years old that would be a different thing. An age does come when we have to give up on having any say in what the dc are doing, but not 8 years old.

Have them play at yours, and encourage her to play with different friends who are not rebelling online at age 8. It's not your job to educate the other parents, it's only your job to raise your own dd in the right way.

runningLou Thu 11-Feb-16 07:44:53

DD going round to friend in question's house again today. Wish me luck as am going to try and speak to her Dad quickly in playground. Resisted texting yesterday as DH said better face to face ... Easy for him to say as he is confident and doesn't suffer from crippling social anxiety issues! Really not sure what to say! Just going to ask if the girls could not go online unsupervised as DD doesn't at home.

scarednoob Thu 11-Feb-16 08:26:00

I remember trying to look up rude things in the biology books at school with friends at my new school when we were 9 (as an aside, it was a catholic school, and the nuns had glued all the pages together! I moved again when I was 11...). So I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with the curiosity.

The difference these days is the internet - totally agree that your DC could see far too much. I would be honest with the child's mother and say, DD told me this is what they were doing, please could they not play with the computer or tablet when she comes over, hope you understand.

DoreenLethal Thu 11-Feb-16 08:30:15

If the dad was leaving porn magazines around the house would you still let her go there?

paxillin Thu 11-Feb-16 08:33:57

I would actually tell him the girls were on chatrooms, I would worry about that more than looking up boobies or naked people although that is not fabulous either. If you get a don't care vibe I would move the playdates to your place for the time being.

Lweji Thu 11-Feb-16 08:34:26

Things in biology books are not rude.

Finding porn on the internet is not the same thing.

Lweji Thu 11-Feb-16 08:36:47

If you still find it a problem after talking to the parents, make sure they meet their friends under your supervision only.

pinkcan Thu 11-Feb-16 08:58:49

I think that even if you talk to this one mum, it will not actually help the problem, it will just put a sticking plaster over it for now.

What you really need to do is to educate your daughter. You absolutely will not be able to police all her online time, particularly when her friends/their older siblings get (have got) phones.

A good starting point for an 8yo is the CEOP video - Jigsaw (google it). I pasted this - The film Jigsaw is a story about a young girl called Becky who likes to use social networking sites. She has her own profile where she shares information like the things she enjoys and photos of herself and her friends. Becky has been talking to somebody who she believes to be another child. It turns out to be a man who has lied to her. This 10 minute film shows that when you talk to people online and tell them too much about yourself, you might as well be inviting them through your front door.

I personally would then show her some harder hitting videos. They go up in age recommendations. There is one on BBC iplayer about a 14yo boy who ended up being murdered by someone he met online (I am not suggesting you show her it btw, you could watch it yourself but it is very upsetting and a true story).

Because at the end of the day, the Internet can be a useful place - you are receiving advice from strangers online on MN. You could show her MN and show her you are called runningLou rather than Sally Jones who lives at number 42 Garden Road or whatever.

2rebecca Thu 11-Feb-16 09:04:58

Have a word if you think they are doing inappropriate stuff, the parents could maybe reassure you that they have protective measures installed although it is less likely with a phone . Surprised how many parents give little kids phones to play with.
As she gets older though you may find like I did that all your kid's friends seem to be more lax about internet/ game certificate safety than you and your child either never goes to play with people or gets exposed to stuff you're not keen on.

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 11-Feb-16 09:07:05

Excellent info pinkcan

Our DD is 6yo and we've just started talking about the internet. I think I will show her mumsnet, what a great idea.

lazymoz Thu 11-Feb-16 09:13:35

Why would you let her go again if something is happening that you don't want?

harryhausen Thu 11-Feb-16 09:17:18

Yes, have a quiet word but it may not completely stop it.

My ds is 8. I'll admit he's hoes online on his tablet sometimes without supervision. When I've looked up his history he's mainly watching YouTube videos of people building Lego sets. However, there is a parental control on the Apple IPads that I have set to 'high'. I have occasionally been with him when it's said a vid won't play because of content.

I talk to Dcs about the Internet all the time. I use it all day so it's inevitable that it's seen as a part of life. Dcs school sent a letter home last week to say that they were aware that done children as young as Y4 were using Instragram and Facebook. My ds told me he knows who has them but he thinks it's a bit stupid. My ds doesn't even have his own email address yet. My DD who's just 11 is still not interested in social media at all. This may change at Secondary school but at the moment she thinks it's just a Selfie-feat with the more self obsessed girls from school. I'm digressing a bit, but what I'm trying to say is that in my experience chatting through everything about the internet often and openly leads to a healthy attitude about it.

So yes, chat up the parents but ultimately if you don't want her going on a tablet with a friend you might just have to stop her ganging out at her house.

harryhausen Thu 11-Feb-16 09:18:16

Sorry, just read Pinkcans post. Good advice.

harryhausen Thu 11-Feb-16 09:20:06

Sorry for typos in first post. Must read before posting.

RubyRoseViolet Thu 11-Feb-16 09:36:15

Crikey, she's only 8! Of course you have to say something! Playing games online is one thing but having free reign to look at all sorts of nonsense on YouTube is another matter entirely!

I would speak to the other parents about it and if they weren't sympathetic I'd stop her going round.

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