To still feel resentful about this?(15 Posts)
I'm hoping I'm not the only one who has felt like this.
When ds2 was born 7 months ago it was a wonderful, amazing time, but it also hit me really hard. I was exhausted, I was breastfeeding and if awake he just screamed when anyone but me went near him. All quite normal newborn stuff.
Actually everyone left us alone for the first couple of days, it was all "oh we won't bother you we will let you rest". At this point I was still running on adrenaline, then day 3-4 the tiredness really kicked in, so did the sore nipples, and so did the visitors, my milk, my tearfulness. All of it.
I really just didn't want to see anyone, I didn't really want anyone but me and dh holding the baby, I was really struggling with feeding by this point.
All the visitors descended on us and for the next week not a day went by without a couple of visitors. Some of them really overstayed their welcome. One relative was still there at 11pm.
Everyone wanted a go at holding the baby, they all left stinking horrible perfume smells overpowering the brands new baby smell. They all said "oh he's so good, he's so content" as they held him while he slept. No one lifted a finger to so much as make me or dh a drink. Then when the baby started to wake up the all made a sharp exit.
Mil had organised a party to celebrate and wanted us to go a week in.
I pretty much missed out on all the sleepy cuddles or any chance to nap because of all the visitors. I didn't want to seem rude but also couldn't have slept without everyone downstairs. I even had visitors when I had a midwife helping me with breastfeeding positions fgs.
I really wish I'd been more assertive, I remember the midwife saying how I'd never get that time back and she was so right.
Oh poor you. YANBU, it sounds crap. But from a practical POV, what's done is done, you can't re-do it so there's nothing to come from still feeling resentful. Don't blame you for feeling that way at all though!
Awww that's a shame you feel like that. My DC is due in August and I won't be thinking twice about kicking people out when I have had enough. I was a bit like you with my first DC, wished I had been more assertive. Not this time
Of course you're not be unreasonable to feel what you feel - and it sounds as if what you really feel is irritated with yourself for not being more assertive and sending everyone away, or maybe with your husband for not being the chucker-outer?
If it's any consolation, which I suspect it won't be, as our families all live abroad and we had no nearby local friends, we literally saw no one apart from some useless visiting midwives for the first three weeks, and it was just awful - isolating, frightening, difficult - rather than a milky paradise of cuddles and love. I remember that time as a nightmare, which I'm very sorry about now, as our son is so fabulous. It seems insulting that I remember his first weeks in the world as a bad dream...
Thanks, I know there is no good to come from dwelling on it really.
I think it was all chaotic with ds1 being the first and circumstances at the time and I wanted it to be so perfect with ds2.
I'm sorry, but I don't really understand this. It was just a week of visitors, you say? That's not that bad.
You can't really get rid of a new baby smell by holding a baby.
Was the perfume really 'stinking horrible'? Could your resentment be a symptom of a larger issue.
Yes I am mostly angry with myself for not speaking up.
Oh I'm sorry to hear that cotton I understand what you're saying too.
Lee I'm quite introvert so lots of visitors exhaust me. I'm also someone who feels the need to be dressed and make everyone a drink and seem polite, so I am more angry with myself iyswim?
They did leave stinky perfume on the baby too.
I'm quite happy to pass him around now btw
I feel exactly the same. I'd look at someone holding my sleeping newborn, who'd been feeding and or crying all day, and think, "I could be asleep now."
I'd probably have felt just as upset if no one had bothered to visit though.
Leelu I completely understand why the op was upset. Imagine being utterly exhausted and trying to breastfeed and having to entertain guests.
I was put in the same position and I look back in anger at myself and DP for not being more assertive. I didn't have a great birth (emcs) and we had both agreed to very few visitors. As the days went by people were just turning up and we ended up not eating properly and exhausted. I was leaking through my clothes (milk ) and I was so embarrassed.
DP started being a push over when people were asking to come over and wasn't listening to my wishes when I said no more visitors. He was saying 'oh it's only so and so they won't be here long..they're only excited'
But they'd end up being here for hours. A week after the birth I was back in hospital with sepsis and very poorly. I felt I hadn't had any time with just the 3 of us and I was a mess. I was diagnosed with PTSD afterwards.
Wer TTC no 2 and I've said no visitors for a week and DP is on the same page as me. I'm not putting myself through it again.
ExplodingCarrots I really feel for you - something similar happened to my SIL. She had had a difficult and closely monitored pregnancy culminating in an EMCS and a cock-up with her medication afterwards. Then her DP's narc mum turned up with partner and partner's family in tow, drank all her wine and ate all her sandwiches, never lifted a finger and complained about not seeing the baby enough. SIL ended up back in hospital too, needing urgent treatment and a medication review. The worst of it is that this will be their only child, due to her health condition, and her DP and his mum are now near NC as makes no difference (not the only reason, long and confidential story).
Don't let anyone impose on you next time. Same goes for you OP.
Thank you explodingcarrots I'm sorry you ended up so unwell.
Wol how awful for your sil, really wtf is wrong with some people?
It was some of the comments from people too. I'd been planning a water birth but ds had other ideas and ended up unexpected breech, so I'd had to come out of the water and deliver him, it all turned out fine but it was a big shock and I was explaining to my sister how scary it had been. She helpfully told me it was a fuss about nothing.
I was making tea and coffee for sil and her dh after they left I realise I had blood all over the bum of my trousers
None of it the end of the world but I wouldn't let it happen again.
OP, read your last post. I didn't realise you were expected to make tea for these visitors!
I personally wouldn't visit friends or extended family for at least 2 months until after the birth.
However, close family do expect to see the baby much sooner. People who visit and expect the new mum to wait on them hand and foot or out stay their welcome are thoughtless and quite selfish.
We had this a bit with first DC. I am super assertive and gobby, but in the few days after the birth I was REALLY wobbly, just not myself. All I wanted to do was hibernate, cuddle the baby
and cry. It surprised me how many people wanted to visit, actually. I've always found newborn babies dull, personally!
I've forgotten any resentment over it now, I hope you will too in time. But I understand. I know it's kind of stating the obvious but your DP was right - people were really excited for you, and they'd probably be mortified to hear how you felt, so try and hold onto that.
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