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AIBU to have expected DP to come home in time?

(64 Posts)
CampariSpritz Fri 29-Jan-16 14:02:12

I'd really appreciate some views here ladies. I'm really upset about an admittedly minor incident last night and I would like a few impartial views on whether I have over-reacted.

I work four days a week. DD (13 months) is looked after by my mother for two of those days and a lovely nanny for the other two. I always do 'drop off' (i.e. wait for Mum or our nanny to arrive at 8am) whilst DP leaves earlier. We both have an hour's commute and we both do similar jobs (lawyers). We share the 'pick ups' (i.e. being back by 7-7.30pm to relieve Mum or nanny). Last night was DP's turn and I was meant to being going out to dinner with friends. As it happens, I had work to do and DD has been a bit poorly so I wanted to tuck her in, so I came home earlier. I didn't tell DP as it was a bit of a last minute decision and in any case, he was due to do pick up. I get home at 7.15 and our nanny says 'oh you must have spoken to DP as he has just rung to say he will be back at 9pm'. It turns out that DP was in the pub and has had a few drinks (he did dry January so he sounded tipsy).

I was mortified as our nanny's contractual hours are 8am-7.30pm. She will stay longer for emergencies (i.e. train problems or unforeseen issues at work) or pre-booked babysitting but she isn't on call to stay later.

DP's view is that a couple of hours doesn't hurt, as we often arrive earlier, which means she can leave earlier. We were also away last Friday, which meant she had the day off. I didn't count this as part of her annual leave, as she was available to work that day, it is just that we didn't need childcare. DP came home steaming drunk at 11pm and we had a row.

I feel he has been really unkind and unthoughtful, as well as a bit deceitful (for not telling me that he was going out). He says that my reaction is completely over the top. I feel strongly that our nanny is not at our beck and call: by 7.30pm she has done nearly 12 hours and it is time for her to go home and have her dinner. I am so teary by his conduct: I really thought he was a kinder, better person that that.

Extra details to avoid drip feeding:

- DP is going out tonight and tomorrow night (planned for a long time) for 'big nights out' so he really didn't deserve an impromptu session. I, on the other hand, haven't had a night out in ages.
- This is quite out of character for him: he has always taken his pick up duties seriously and has only been late twice (by fifteen minutes).
- He isn't a nurturing type, but he normally is not this lacking in thoughtfulness. That said, his mother worked and they always had au pairs; he rather takes it for granted that we have help in the home (shirts ironed, cleaner, I buy all the food and organise the house).
- He drinks a fair bit on nights out, which alters his character (or rather a more unpleasant side comes out - but never abusive etc). His boys' nights out can get messy.

Sorry for the length of this...but I feel let down and I can't really speak to my friends about this. Our nanny is kind, hard working and deserves to be treated nicely I would like to keep this relationship for years to come, as the level and continuity of care benefit DD. DP and I are due to get married later this year but I feel rather blue about the whole thing...feel like I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it.

PaulAnkaTheDog Fri 29-Jan-16 14:04:16

He sounds like a cheeky sod! Well done for sticking up for the nanny. His behaviour was totally wrong. What an arrogant attitude to take!

BYOSnowman Fri 29-Jan-16 14:05:06

It's irrelevant if you let her go early some days - it's not on to assume she will just stay. Extra hours worked should be paid as well - i assume she doesn't want to do flexi hours that are totally out of her control!!

You are right to be annoyed!

lastqueenofscotland Fri 29-Jan-16 14:05:07

That's a really twatty thing to do. YANBU

CampariSpritz Fri 29-Jan-16 14:14:05

Thank you for the sense check: I appreciate it.

MyNewBearTotoro Fri 29-Jan-16 14:24:22

Depends on how he asked.

Phoning and saying to your nanny "I'll be late and so you have to stay an extra 2 hours." is definitely not on.

However phoning and asking, "Would you mind staying an extra 2 hours? You'll either be paid extra or given the time off another day and you're free to say no." is, I think, fine, so long as she genuinely feels able to say no and it's not that often.

Did his behaviour mean you stayed at home instead of going on your night out?

honeysucklejasmine Fri 29-Jan-16 14:30:44

I'd be fuming that he didn't tell you. Presumably if he thought you were going out, he planned to beat you home, so you wouldn't know?

I would also be unimpressed by him assuming he can have a "few" drinks and then be in sole charge of a child. Doesn't sound like he's good at moderation.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 29-Jan-16 14:38:06

Maybe you should let the nanny know this type of thing won't be a regular occurrence.

From what I read on the CC board they don't appreciate being took for granted this way.

buckingfrolicks Fri 29-Jan-16 14:40:18

I had a live-out nanny. I would never ever have expected her to just stay while I or my DP had a few after-work drinks. I think that is really rude, selfish and short-sighted of him. A good nanny is gold-dust and should be treated with respect (as it sounds like you do), he's risking losing his lovely set-up for the sake of a boozy night.

I would be appalled, no, I would be APPALLED if my DP had done this to our nanny.

(you don't actually do his ironing and manage the cleaner as well do you? he's needs a wake-up, these are tasks that are outsourced because you both work, not because you work, so he needs to take equal accountability for those too).

Goingtobeawesome Fri 29-Jan-16 14:50:05

You haven't made your bed. If he isn't who you thought he was you don't have to stay with him. I'm not saying LTB, but he has a bad attitude to your nanny and I'd be thinking who else he has a bad attitude towards.

Did you miss your night out?

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 29-Jan-16 14:53:41

Hang on, if he was out until 11pm, does that mean you had to cancel your night out to relieve the nanny?

Cheeky git. Unacceptable and I would let him know that.

Veritat Fri 29-Jan-16 14:53:49

Has he said what he would have done if she'd just said "Sorry, I can't stay late, I've got other arrangements"?

diddl Fri 29-Jan-16 14:57:12

Well as long as he's alright, eh?

Abraid2 Fri 29-Jan-16 14:57:49

Hermione:

The OP said:

As it happens, I had work to do and DD has been a bit poorly so I wanted to tuck her in, so I came home earlier...at 7.15

Chrysanthemum5 Fri 29-Jan-16 15:05:25

YANBU. Why do you do all the mornings and half the evenings? Why do you have do all the organising for the house? It sounds like he thinks you/your work are less important than his work.

Did you miss your night out? And if you came home early because your child was ill why didn't he bother to do that as well?

It all adds up to someone who doesn't sound like a kind person (although I appreciate we only know your side). I think I'd have a serious talk with him.

And straight away I'd be doing mornings or evenings but not both.

KatharinaRosalie Fri 29-Jan-16 15:05:37

No it really doesn't matter if you sometimes arrive early or give her an unexpected day off, that's your discretion. I've had similar discussions with my DH - no, we can't be half an hour late picking the kids up just because we were late dropping them off. the nanny is paid for being available for her contracted hours.

Your DH was very unreasonable. Little less unreasonable if she kindly asked the nanny if this was possible and that of course she would be paid extra - but by your description, it sounds like he just informed her he will be late. In this case VVVV U

OzzieFem Fri 29-Jan-16 15:06:02

So DP told the nanny he would be home at 9pm instead of 7.30pm but did not show up until 11pm "steaming drunk"? What was the nanny supposed to do if you had not arrived home unexpectedly? Leave a 13 month old baby in his care?

As for his boozing, it sounds like this is becoming a problem and he may need professional help (AA). Is there something going wrong at work that is causing this reaction?

Either way this is a serious problem and needs to be sorted out before marriage. You are both lawyers so you will know what steps you need to take. There are THREE members in this family to be considered, not just two.

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 29-Jan-16 15:07:24

*The OP said:

As it happens, I had work to do and DD has been a bit poorly so I wanted to tuck her in, so I came home earlier...at 7.15*

I know, but the plan should have been that the DP arrived home soon after so OP could go out, no?

So if he didn't get home until 11pm and they had an argument, it reads as though she had to cancel her night out so the nanny could leave?

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 29-Jan-16 15:07:47

Oops, bold fail!

RubbleBubble00 Fri 29-Jan-16 15:08:42

Not on. He needs to put his hand in his pocket and pay nanny overtime - I'd hit him for double her hourly rate

HappyHeart87 Fri 29-Jan-16 15:11:24

For what it's worth, OP, you seem very insightful about what's going on with your DP, and measured in your view of it.

And of course YANBU - his attitude towards the nanny is disrespectful and short sighted.

3littlefrogs Fri 29-Jan-16 15:11:44

Your DH is being inconsiderate and unfair - to you and the nanny.

He has his 2 nights out booked - he should not have been out drinking unexpectedly unless there was a very, very good reason.

I had a friend, years ago, who was employed as a nanny for a couple of lawyers. While she was well paid, she left because of exactly this sort of behaviour. She felt that she was not treated with respect and consideration for the fact that she actually had a life outside work, and she was fed up of being expected to cancel her own plans at short notice.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 29-Jan-16 15:11:45

Your dp is an arrogant twat.

Adeleslostbeehive Fri 29-Jan-16 15:15:26

He did dry January went for a night out, came home plastered at 11 and needs AA? Jeez woman, AA would have to take over football stadiums for meetings if that were the criteria

OP, totally not on. I've nannied and this wasn't massively unusual but is still massively taking the piss. Hard to know what to do to stop it happening again though, if he doesn't understand its wrong.

diddl Fri 29-Jan-16 15:25:56

"He did dry January went for a night out, came home plastered at 11 and needs AA?"

Well he might not need AA.

But then he hasn't even managed dry January, has he?

Not only that, but he didn't manage to not get plastered on a night out!

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