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Is this reasonable (regarding miscarriage and other people's babies)

(55 Posts)
Plateofcrumbs Thu 28-Jan-16 17:11:43

OK there is loads of backstory to this but I just want to try to get a measure on this one particular issue in isolation.

Family member and his DW have one child. We are not very close (backstory!) but have sporadic contact mostly via email and occasional call.

They experienced a miscarriage whilst TTC their second child. My DH and I have a DS who was 6 months at time this happened (their own first child was 1). Family member asked that we did not send updates or pictures about our DS as it was upsetting for his DW. I complied and figured I would wait until I was asked about DS again before I offered anything up. This was about a year ago and I have not been asked about him once since and contact has been minimal.

I understand they could have had further losses in that time and people grieve in their own way and in their own time.

When I write it down like that it seems obvious I am BU. But because of the backstory I can't help feeling it was a convenient excuse to cut contact with us.

It would feel more understandable if they were TTC their first, or we had a newborn. But we are now both parents to toddlers, and it seems strange to not be able to share that experience.

I don't know, it's a sad situation all round.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 28-Jan-16 17:31:22

You say you're not very close, only have sporadic contact and there's a back story - so why does it matter?

Eminado Thu 28-Jan-16 17:36:47

I think it could be either reason.

Since you havent elaborated on the backstory i will only comment on the MC bit and say that for me the grief hit me in the most unexpected (and perhaps illogical to an outsider) ways. I really struggled with people having a second child when we had failed to. I never, and would never, say anything though but I guess nothing surprises me when it comes to grief.
It can make you act crazy.

goodnightdarthvader1 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:40:19

I would say let it go. If they want to know, they'll ask. You can talk to them without mentioning your child, surely? Otherwise if they have gone NC, let them.

WorraLiberty Thu 28-Jan-16 17:40:32

Does it really matter?

There must be tons of other people you can share things with, that you are close to and have more than sporadic contact with confused

Plateofcrumbs Thu 28-Jan-16 17:41:01

Because I love family member dearly and the status quo hurts.

Katenka Thu 28-Jan-16 17:43:06

It would feel more understandable if they were TTC their first,

Why?

Idefix Thu 28-Jan-16 17:46:28

Do they mention there own dc in these infrequent emails/calls?
If they do I would say you should feel free to mention your own dc.
Personally I would cut them free, it doesn't sound like you are close really.

Plateofcrumbs Thu 28-Jan-16 17:47:39

eminado - sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing. It 's something I've been fortunate enough not to go through so it helps to see it from somebody else's perspective.

TJEckleburg Thu 28-Jan-16 17:52:34

I'm sorry but it really doesn't matter if you love them dearly - it's fairly obvious from the lack of contact that they don't feel the same way about you. Whilst you are allowed to feel sad about that you can't force them to share your feelings

Plateofcrumbs Thu 28-Jan-16 17:53:50

katenka - I could understand it more if we had something they didn't. Not to say that the pain of a miscarriage is any different whether it is your first or second, or that they should their first DC as 'consolation'.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 28-Jan-16 17:56:34

But in the op it says you're not very close - I'm confused

ExtraBlessings Thu 28-Jan-16 17:58:45

Since DD I have experienced multiple pregnancy losses.

There's no rule for how hard this is or how long it takes to feel better. I would say from experience that if I'm in a dark place, putting on a brave face takes an enormous toll on my mental health.

WorraLiberty Thu 28-Jan-16 18:01:12

To be honest if you're thinking that asking you to stop child updates/photos, might be their excuse to cut contact...

Well it's got me wondering if they thought you were just a bit OTT with the whole child thing?

I can remember feeling slightly irritated when I had my eldest DS, because or two friends who also had DC seemed to think that's all I wanted to talk about.

In fact the opposite was true and I used to positively welcome conversations that were not baby related.

jamenhej Thu 28-Jan-16 18:01:40

Tricky one - I personally don't agree that it ought to be easier for them do accept the loss as it is not their first, but equally I can understand why you would like to return to a more 'normal' or less 'restricted' type of contact. (Can't really find the right word there but hope you know what I mean). My initial thought though was that whilst they felt able at the time to ask for no baby news, it is harder, or maybe hasn't even occurred to them, to say 'okay, baby news is fine again now'. Perhaps just try to test the waters with some neutralish messages ('hope you're all well, what have you guys been up to?') and perhaps the situation will resolve naturally if they are ready to start talking about your DC again. But if they're not I think you need to try and be understanding, even if it's hard.

jamenhej Thu 28-Jan-16 18:02:21

*to accept not 'do'

VoldysGoneMouldy Thu 28-Jan-16 18:05:47

Yes, YABU.

Firstly for thinking that people are as interested in your child as you are (common mistake with a PFB - how frequently were you sending photos and updates of your child to people you aren't close with?), secondly for thinking it is in any way easier if it's not your first, and thirdly for thinking there's a time line on grief.

I've had two MC, most recent four months ago. I had to get off a bus today because there was a baby crying and I couldn't handle it. Don't be so insensitive. The loss of a baby during pregnancy, whenever it happens, is utterly devastating.

Duckdeamon Thu 28-Jan-16 18:05:58

If the family member is your sibling, that's particularly sad. Perhaps you could try to see him by himself sometime, or speak by phone?

Didiusfalco Thu 28-Jan-16 18:08:21

I think it depends on how close the relationship is as to how you might go about resolving it. If its your brother and therefore your sons uncle that is one thing, and I can see you might want to promote a closer relationship. If its a distant cousin maybe youre expecting too much?

leelu66 Thu 28-Jan-16 18:11:13

I can understand why you are upset (even though I don't quite understand sending a round robin email update to all family/friends).

It sounds as though you have asked how they are doing, even though contact has been minimal?

Is there a chance they could still be grieving? Or have they expressed an interest in other relatives' babies? That would indicate they are moving on but are, as you guessed, using it as an excuse to cut you out.

Acorn44 Thu 28-Jan-16 18:12:45

I have only ever had a MC, no DC. People have tended to automatically shy away from sharing baby news and pictures of their DC (I would never ask them to). The few exceptions include a pregnant colleague moaning about her aching boobs to me and SiL telling me 'I'm sorry if this hurts, but I just love being a Mum. It's all I've ever wanted'. Both times I smiled sweetly, said nothing and bawled my eyes out when they'd left. ExtraBlessings is right: the grief hits you at the strangest of times and in the most unpredictable ways.

OP, if these people are not close to you anyway, then why worry about it? You could be causing far more distress than you realise - and for minimal gain.

Hihohoho1 Thu 28-Jan-16 18:17:11

You are not very close but you love them dearly

confused

AlwaysHopeful1 Thu 28-Jan-16 18:20:49

Yabu, their reasons are not about you. If you love them dearly?? then respect their wishes.

DickDewy Thu 28-Jan-16 18:42:01

So, you're not close and had only sporadic contact with them?

I would respect their wishes. Regardless of their reasons, they clearly don't want to have a close relationship with you at the moment.

Viviennemary Thu 28-Jan-16 18:46:15

I don't know why they didn't want to stay in contact with you. But for some reason they didn't. Even thought it's not a nice thing for anybody to experience I don't think there's a lot to be gained from trying to contact them again or establish a friendship. I'd just move on and make new friends. But it's still hurtful and upsetting for them to behave like this IMHO.

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