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To not let stbex have the sofa?

(19 Posts)
thinkingmakesitso Thu 28-Jan-16 06:16:55

Have been separated 18 months and he finally has a flat after months of sofa surfing. He wants our sofa because I recently bought a new one, but I did that because I wanted two. The old one fits the colour scheme of the sitting room- the whole room has been planned around it really.

However, he has a very low income and has had nothing from me yet. He left after his infidelity and insisted he wanted nothing. We are now in mediation and I have said no to the sofa til that is sorted. If he has nothing he can have it and if not he can buy one from his settlement.

However, last night he involved the DC, saying "mummy won't let me have a sofa, you'll have to sit on the floor when you come round" etc I'm scared it will turn them against me. I asked him to leave when he started that and he just refused, laughing. I didn't want it to escalate so left it, but what a bad thing for the DC to see.

I'm also afraid he'll take it while I'm at work. Aibu not to give it at this point?

Iggi999 Thu 28-Jan-16 06:18:34

How are you off financially? I'd be tempted to buy a cheap one and have it sent to him, just to close the book on this.

Inertia Thu 28-Jan-16 06:20:17

How does he still have access to your home?

YellowDinosaur Thu 28-Jan-16 06:23:34

How can he take it while you're at work? Surely he doesn't have a key to your house?

He's crossed a line involving the children. Even if things have been amicable enough till now to allow him a key there is no bloody way I'd allow it now. I also think I'd be tempted to say to him, when the children aren't there, that if he wants to get into bringing them into the argument you're quite happy for them to know that you won't let him have the sofa but that they'll also know that the reason they don't have a dad at home is because he chose to fuck someone else. I would NEVER involve the children like this or tell them, just to be clear, but this might be enough for him to see what a twat he's being.

thinkingmakesitso Thu 28-Jan-16 06:23:57

Still looks after the DC here. We're working on it in mediation, but he doesn't see why he shouldn't be able to come in forever.

Iggi999 Thu 28-Jan-16 06:28:50

Every time you buy something new, he is going to ask for the equivalent? Is he broke because he minds the children, or is that separate? There are boundary issues more important here than the sofa.

LumpySpacedPrincess Thu 28-Jan-16 06:43:02

I can just imagine what he is saying to the kids when you are not there.

LIZS Thu 28-Jan-16 06:59:46

He could get a cheap sofa from a furniture recycling charity or via free cycle et al. He is after that sofa because it involves you.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime Thu 28-Jan-16 07:04:28

Of he has nothing else/very little from the house then I'd let him have the sofa tbh.

YouTheCat Thu 28-Jan-16 07:32:01

Arrange alternative childcare. Tell him he'll be getting EOW contact. And change the locks if you are legally able to do so.

Then make it clear in mediation that you were willing to be much more amenable until he started involving the kids in his bullshit. He can buy his own sofa.

Kirkenes Thu 28-Jan-16 07:32:42

Id let him have the sofa. He is playing games but you don't have to. Try not to get into the childish 'he did that so I'm doing this' tit for that nonsense.
Youve got rid of him that's the main thing.

Kirkenes Thu 28-Jan-16 07:34:01

Typo 'tit for tat'

NNalreadyinuse Thu 28-Jan-16 07:35:42

He has nothing because he couldn't keep his willy in his pants and wrecked his family. I say sod him. Let him but his own sofa. And get your key back and pay for childcare - it's madness to let him have nnhindered access to your house.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Thu 28-Jan-16 07:41:47

Why is it your job to provide him with soft furnishings, 18 months after your split?

Tell him to get to fuck. Or to get to British Heart Foundation, Oxfam, Emmaus, or Gumtree and get a sofa for a tenner. Most of these will deliver as well.

APlaceOnTheCouch Thu 28-Jan-16 08:11:39

If he genuinely can't afford a sofa then I'd let him have the old one or as a PP said, buy a cheap one from a charity shop for him.

Not because he deserves it but because I wouldn't want my DCs sitting on the floor and also because I think making a 'sofa' dependent on the outcome of mediation seems the wrong focus.

Mediation shouldn't really be tied up with whether or not he has a sofa or whether your DCs have somewhere to sit. The sofa is a distraction to the bigger issues you have to work through.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Thu 28-Jan-16 08:16:44

It's winding you up and he's probably enjoying it knowing you've got the room just the way you want it.

I'd be inclined to tell him to fuck off but you and your kids are stuck with him bitching.

Would there be other items he'd start asking for if he got the sofa, think about that.

thinkingmakesitso Thu 28-Jan-16 18:11:09

Got home today and he had clearly been here all day as his laptop and papers were here, heating on etcangry .

I know it seems petty over a sofa but I love it and would have to replace it . I have let him have a couple of other things I use, including spare bed which will have to be replaced, but I am not attached to them.

I am so sad he involves the DC like that. Despite what he has done I would hate to see them fall out with him, but he seems to delight in trying to put them off me, and will be able to do so all the more when he sees them in his own placesad

NNalreadyinuse Thu 28-Jan-16 20:46:44

Get your key back and then he won't be in your house all day, using your stuff! Do not give him the sofa - you value it and he has takem enough from you already.

Children are not stupid. They will eventually see him as he really is. Given that he will happily criticise you to them, I don't think you should bend over backwards to facilitate his relationship with his dc. If it matters that much to him, he will ensure he remains an active part of their lives and if he doesn't, then yoy turning yourself inside out to keep up their relationship is just postponing the inevitable.

But get him out of your house before you come home one day and find he has helped himself to half your furniture.

RubbleBubble00 Thu 28-Jan-16 21:12:20

You need to sit down in mediation and agree once and for all what's being split out of the house you both lived in and draw a line under it. And change locks asap. I would buy him a new sofa tbh just to keep things amicable

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