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to remind my H every day that I have bad morning sickness

(47 Posts)
FFShowmanytimes Wed 27-Jan-16 12:06:49

I am 10 weeks pregnant and really suffering from morning sickness. Not hyperemesis level, but still pretty bad. I find getting out of bed in the morning without vomiting almost completely impossible. Doesn't help that DC are crying and needing things from very early.

H wakes up, gets up, goes downstairs and makes himself breakfast and then gets on with his day. He hears me vomiting upstairs, he hears the DC yelling and crying and fighting for me and he does nothing.

I end up shouting down the stairs every morning that I am ill and I need help. And he says "oh yeah" and reluctantly comes up and deals with the DC and then goes into a funk with me that he's had to "do everything." Every morning. He doesn't DO everything, of course, he just has to be pulled out of his own stuff, to come and help with what he should see as OUR stuff.

AIBU to expect that when we wake up he asks me how I'm feeling? If I need anything before he disappears?

Is it so ingrained into the minds of some men that morning sickness is women's business or a woman's thing that they can harden themselves to it and pretend it isn't happening?

I feel like an idiot pointing it out all the time. Every time I say it, every time I repeat it - "I am throwing up and the kids are crying - please help me" it loses its power. Because I say it EVERY morning.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 27-Jan-16 12:09:58

How thoughtless of him.

Have you been clear to him and explained what is required when not in the puke zone?

Sometimes people struggle to know how to help when they are used to normally capable people who shrug off offers of help.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Wed 27-Jan-16 12:12:13

Has your husband always been a bit of a thoughtless knob or has he just morphed into one in the last 10 weeks?

Has he always just seen to himself of a morning, ignoring the DC and leaving you to deal with it all, or has this just happened over the last 10 weeks?

MimiSunshine Wed 27-Jan-16 12:12:43

So did you 'do everything' before the morning sickness kicked in?
I'd be pointing that out and the fact it's not fair and you weren't happy with it either then tell him you need him to take over while you're ill and once it's worn off (fingers crossed) you can both split the morning duties (and stick to it)

MotherKat Wed 27-Jan-16 12:14:13

What a wazzock, yanbu.

Maybe have a conversation with him in the evening when the smaller have gone to bed and discuss priorities and expectations?

I hope you feel better soon OP.

FFShowmanytimes Wed 27-Jan-16 12:14:20

He's seen our roles as very specific. I deal with the DC in the morning, and he deals with them at other set times that I give him.

He cannot seem to bend from the status quo, even if I am puking my guts up.

TBH I think he is a selfish nob. I keep telling myself I'll feel differently after the MS wears off but right now when I think of him I want to punch him in the face.

OhShutUpThomas Wed 27-Jan-16 12:14:46

This isn't a man thing. It's a thoughtless inconsiderate twat thing.

I'd stop asking for 'help' and start having some serious words about him getting a fucking grip.

TendonQueen Wed 27-Jan-16 12:14:50

He's being a dick. Tell him in advance. ' In the morning, please give the kids their breakfast. I will be busy throwing up and it's hardly asking the earth to put cereal in a bowl or make toast.'

Has he always regarded looking after the kids as solely your job?

pinkyredrose Wed 27-Jan-16 12:15:57

They're his DC too, does he have a problem with looking after his own kids?

RubyRoseViolet Wed 27-Jan-16 12:16:35

No Yanbu at all. That's incredibly selfish and thoughtless.

FFShowmanytimes Wed 27-Jan-16 12:18:29

Thank you all, for supporting my feelings.

Problem is I have come across loads of women (of an older generation, admittedly) who have told me that "men just don't understand it." Including his Mum, and my Mum. I said how did you bloody get through it then? And they said "you just have to get through." Often within his earshot.

But It makes me so angry. Who can listen to the person they supposedly love, suffering, and not help them?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Wed 27-Jan-16 12:22:02

they said "you just have to get through." Often within his earshot

Oh dear God I just fucking despair that some women, including your own mother, think this is ok shock

Well I'd have lost patience weeks ago and would have tried the "go fucking nuclear" option by now.

Sorry you're married to such a gobshite flowers.

ImperialBlether Wed 27-Jan-16 12:29:01

Me too. I'd have hit that button and he wouldn't have been left in any doubt at all what he had to do.

There's being a bit thoughtless and being a selfish knob. He's the latter. Talk to him tonight and if it doesn't work tomorrow morning, send him off to live with his mum for a bit until he sees the error of his ways. Or send him here - I'm in the right mood to deal with him!

Paintedhandprints Wed 27-Jan-16 12:31:50

Oh i hate this men are useless at (insert womans traditional role here). Especially when its your own mother inforcing the stereotype.

LaurieLemons Wed 27-Jan-16 12:35:22

This really pisses me off. Especially women! Unless you have had HP level morning sickness (in which case you wouldn't dare say a word) you have no bloody right to comment on anyone else's symptoms.

As for your husband, he's being an utter twat so do whatever you can to knock some sense into him. Ask him if he would deal with the kids/go to work if he was throwing up? Grrr this does get to me can you tell I had very bad morning sickness.

Oh and if it carries on past 12 weeks go to your gp and get some medication, it's shit and no one should suffer it unnecessarily flowers

OnlyLovers Wed 27-Jan-16 12:35:43

YANBU and it's time to stop asking for 'help' and tell him to step the fuck up and look after HIS kids when you obviously can't because you've got your head down the toilet pan, and stop fucking sulking about it.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 27-Jan-16 12:37:41

Oh dear.

WoodHeaven Wed 27-Jan-16 12:37:58

Actuually, don't send him to his mum.
Go to your mum, spend a week or two there whilst he has to deal with the dcs morning and night. After you are ill and you do need the rest.

Then have a chat about what it means to 'do everything'.

QuietWhenReading Wed 27-Jan-16 12:38:34

Can you pick a job that's traditionally 'his' and ask him if he'd expect you to take over with it, if he started throwing up with a tummy bug.

He shouldn't need an example but perhaps it might adjust his perspective.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 27-Jan-16 12:39:57

I always wonder why women have children with men like this. Do they hide it well until pregnancy?

Agree with pp, a serious chat (in the evening, when you're not puking) is in order.

caitlinohara Wed 27-Jan-16 12:45:27

Yes, he is being a dick. Has he always been like this when you were pg? I only ask because dh was a gem when I had ds1 - made me homemade soups, got me to put my feet up etc, and then with subsequent babies it very much felt like "oh, you know what you're doing now, you'll be fine, see ya!" Sometimes they need reminding. With a heavy implement if necessary. grin

stealtheatingtunnocks Wed 27-Jan-16 12:48:27

having a chat about exactly this sort of nonsense on this thread

I sympathise. Had one the same. Doesn't seem to have changed much, cause of the morning sickness in now in High School. Have a read of the blog, and tell him that every time he doesn't step up when you are puking you hear "fuck you, FF".

Hope you feel better soon.

stealtheatingtunnocks Wed 27-Jan-16 12:49:08

goodnight - mine was a model of attentiveness.

Right up until we went on honeymoon.


Notgrumpyjustquiet Wed 27-Jan-16 12:53:12

You shouldn't have to ask him for help OP. He should be asking you what help you need. Even if you didn't have your head in the toilet and it wasn't obvious that picking up some of the slack might be the least he could do. Give it another few hours for responses to build up on this thread and show it to him if he dares tries to brush you off. flowers

balancingfigure Wed 27-Jan-16 13:00:28

Please don't believe the 'men don't understand thing'. Lots of them do and yours is an idiot!

My DH was very worried and helped as much as he could when I had morning sickness. He did find it quite difficult (not the helping but me being so ill) and we didn't talk to other people about it much at the time because I didn't want to announce my pregnancy in the early stages.

You do 'just have to get through' in a way because obviously there is no treatment but get through with help and support.

I hope you can persuade him to understand and ignore the mothers (although that has obviously not helped his view point)

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