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At my wits end with explaining about babies

(34 Posts)
Jennypan12 Tue 26-Jan-16 19:42:14

First post. Aibu to be utterly fed up with people asking?

Dh and I have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for 2 years and are currently receiving fertility treatment. All issues are my fault.

Sick of people asking when "we'll be next" - should we just come out with it once and for all??

I haven't told family - we're v close and parents would worry. I must say, I did think it would have happened by now and I know they're so excited about grandchildren one day.

Main part of my problem - and I'm probably being over sensitive - is our friends. Another couple we lived with while at Uni. Got married recently, pg first time. Obviously delighted for them. I have told her everything. All I get is "I know it will happen for you" and "think positive", I know she means well however. We saw them last week and all her husband does is joke about how lucky my husband is that he "doesn't have to spend all his money on a baby" etc and smug little jokes about how fertile they are. They made an off the cuff comment about adoption (not related to our situation) and I could have exploded. The same old crap associated with adoption and how its the simple solution to infertility. Our situation is just ignored constantly.

Elsewhere everyone is asking me when we'll be pregnant and it's driving me insane. Aibu to think that bows the time to just come clean?

eurochick Tue 26-Jan-16 19:43:57

I found being open helpful. People backed the fuck off.

StealthPolarBear Tue 26-Jan-16 19:44:37

Ugh. It's up to you how much you choose to share (and btw it's not your "fault") but I think at the very least a small comment about things not always going as planned or hoped should make people think twice.

abbieanders Tue 26-Jan-16 19:47:02

Well first of all, banish the word 'fault' from your vocabulary.

If it's really hurting you, it's probably no harm to say that you'd like to have a family, very hopeful, not straightforward, stressful situation, would we mind just chatting about something else?

Whatdoidohelp Tue 26-Jan-16 19:48:43

Be open with family and close friends. If you do need treatment it can go on for months and is fucking awful so you will need all the help you can get.

abbsismyhero Tue 26-Jan-16 19:49:32

its hurting you so maybe explain to the family? a friend of mine couldn't have children and was going through having test after test to determine why when i got pregnant by accident i was mortified and told her separately i did my best not to be enthusiastic and throw my pregnancy in her face but she was so sweet and kind about it all she said it did hurt but it wasn't my fault she cant have children naturally she has since adopted two children

RubbleBubble00 Tue 26-Jan-16 19:50:08

You have kept this a secret from everyone except one friend - perhaps they think you really don't want to talk about it so I wouldn't see it as being ignored. You could have a quiet work with friend and admit you find her husbands comments upsetting.

I've never been in your situation and am like your friend, I honestly wouldn't know what to say to you too except be positive.

Soooosie Tue 26-Jan-16 19:54:05

Can you tell them you're happy to meet as long as they stop any fertility comment!

NigelLikesSalad Tue 26-Jan-16 19:56:51

I was reasonably open with people after a while, ie close friends/some family. People make jokey comments about 'you next' etc and it used to pee me right off. People see it as chit chat and don't realise how hurtful, offensive and downright rude it actually is to be honest. Once I'd got my head around it my mood used to change in how I responded, anything from 'god no I wouldn't have one of those things. Why would I do that?' Through to , 'yes we are planning to have a baby next year' but be quite specific and arrogant about dates. Other replies anywhere in between politeness or just change the subject or make an equally intrusive and rude comment about them.

It's hard though, the adoption one is a particular bug bear of mine. If you are grappling with infertility and grieving that child then you aren't in a place to adopt, the world is hell bent of fertility treatment and adoption being the same thing. They couldn't be more different. It used to annoy me more than the 'you next' comments sometimes.

BonitaFangita Tue 26-Jan-16 19:58:16

It's not your 'fault', and it's nobody else's business either!
People can be very insensitive, not necessarily on purpose, but that doesn't help.
Like pp's have said, just a comment that things don't always go to plan, things not that straightforward and change the subject?

QuiteLikely5 Tue 26-Jan-16 20:00:34

I doubt anyone is being malicious with you and imo that's the basis you should take their comments on.

Anything else is a pure waste of emotions

Oysterbabe Tue 26-Jan-16 20:03:51

It isn't your fault anymore than being brunette or whatever is your fault, it's just the hand you were dealt. flowers

RubbleBubble00 Tue 26-Jan-16 20:10:52

Is it possible she hasn't told her husband?

toomuchtooold Tue 26-Jan-16 20:12:44

One thing to think of is that if you are eventually unsuccessful, it might be easier to live with if people believe you are childless by choice. Perhaps that's just me but I didn't like the idea of people pitying me and preferred that if I never had kids my friends would've been jealous of me going on great holidays and being stylish and carefree. God that sounds shallow of me, I know, but just wanted to present you that perspective in case you might feel the same.

kickassangel Tue 26-Jan-16 20:14:45

I know exactly how you feel. We went through years of trying for DD, followed by fertility treatment.

Some people just said stupid things because they didn't think (like"oh maybe you're pregnant" when I was travel sick), some seemed to think it was our duty to have kids, others felt perfectly happy to share all our info with everybody, even when asked not to.

It's such a personal and painful thing. How you want to deal with it is entirely your call - e.g. never tell people, make up lies, be blunt and honest. Whatever suits you.

Just one thing - once you've said it, you can't take it back. So only tell people if you'd be happy that the info became quite well known.

Kitsandkids Tue 26-Jan-16 20:17:37

I agree with euro. We tried for years and nothing happened. Once I started telling people 'we've been trying for years actually' they stopped asking!

Viviennemary Tue 26-Jan-16 20:20:07

I'd avoid this insensitive couple who keep going on about how fertile they are. At least for the time being. As for your other friends if you want to say something like we're hoping then that will probably hush most of them up. But you aren't under any obligation to spend anything at all.

Viviennemary Tue 26-Jan-16 20:22:23

Don't know where that word spend come from . I meant tell them anything at all.

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 26-Jan-16 20:23:51

We got married last year, and so are getting Those Questions as well. I tell people we've been trying for a long while and have had two miscarriages now - that tends to make them shut the fuck up.

It's not your fault. x

Husbanddoestheironing Tue 26-Jan-16 20:24:14

I agree toomuch that was my position too and is certainly worth thinking through. The trouble with infertility is that no one who hasn't been there can truly understand the actual physical and mental pain of the longing IMO. I'm sure there are lots of other experiences that cause similar anguish, it's just that other people don't go on and on about 'when are you going to just going to get over your cancer' do they?

StrumpersPlunkett Tue 26-Jan-16 20:26:20

my lovely friend has found this community a great support in openly chatting through the issues your describe.
Unfortunately people can be really insensitive. I hope you manage to find your way though this.

Maydream Tue 26-Jan-16 20:28:42

My brother and SIL always get this. They're both 30 and got married last year after around 5/6 years together. I'm 23 and gave birth to my first DS last year. Whenever they are seen playing/holding my DS (they're amazing with their nephew) someone asks them when they're going to have kids, or tell them to get a move on or it'll never happen.

Not only this, but at the wedding reception, they had photos with all the kids and my DS separately. Everyone was watching and started to shout comments such as 'you'll be next' or 'that baby suits you' etc.

I felt really embarrassed for them to be honest. They looked really uncomfortable and you could tell they were trying to laugh it off. If that was me, I'd be the same. They have both never stated whether they want or are trying for kids. But it's they don't want them just yet or even at all, what is the rush? And what has it got to do with anyone else? Also, if they were trying (obviously I don't know if they are or not) and they were struggling to conceive comments like this must be awful.

Some people really don't think before they speak.

Orange1969 Tue 26-Jan-16 20:28:46

God, how maddening for you. People don't get it. They really don't, unless they've been through it.

I don't really know what to suggest. When I was going through recurrent miscarriage, I found the smugness and insensitivity of the Got Pregnant And Had A Baby First Time I Tried brigade very difficult. Even when I told people about it, they came out with claptrap. I was told I wasn't "ready" to have a baby, that the miscarriages were "for the best" (best for whom? hmm).

I really hope you get your baby soon - is definitely not your fault.

Italiangreyhound Tue 26-Jan-16 20:38:00

Jennypan12 well first of all I am sorry you are in this situation. We have a daughter who is 11 now and we experienced a couple of years of infertility before she came and to be honest it was awful without people asking in sensitive questions!

I remember sitting through a whole meal when a friend told us she was pregnant and bursting into tears once we had rounded the corner in the car when we left! I cried in the hospital when I visited her to see her new baby, only to find out a month later I was pregnant thanks to IUI (and dh!). We followed this up with about 6 and a half years of very intensive treatment including donor eggs, and then two years ago we adopted a boy, now 5 (3 when he came to us). I guess I am saying all this to show you are most certainly not alone!

I think you have three choices, you choose:
1) Grin and bear it, avoid the comment or dread them coming but say nothing, you do not need to explain this to people unless you want to

2) Say 'it's personal and I don't like being asked about this' just keep saying it like a broken record. People may stop and they may speculate about what is going on. But you have not revealed what may be for you too personal to say yet, and for some this is very important.

3) Tell people, 'We are trying, we have not successful yet and I am finding it very hard, please do not ask about.' Then again broken record unless you wish to tell more.

Please talk to your dh and decide what you want to do. You may decide that you cannot agree so you will be honest with your family and friends and he will not reveal things to his.

This is pretty much what me and dh did. Our families met rarely and most of our friends in common were actually my friends, so our mutual friends and my family knew everything (because I am a gabbie girl) and my husband’s family knew little.

You must both feel comfortable with what you do and say and whether you tell anyone or not is absolutely your choice, NO ONE has the right to know your business, even your parents! Even if they feel hurt not to be included in the news, sometimes you just have to put yourself and your own emotional welfare first. BUT it sounds to me like you want to tell and so if you do then you can, you can still say 'It's personal and I don't want to talk about it' or better still, 'I'm not talking about it.'

Regarding your friends, please have a quiet word with them both, separately, either you or your dh to explain that comments about their fertility are hurtful, that comments about not spending money on babies, when all you want is a baby, are HURTFUL.

It doesn't just matter whether they mean to be malicious or not, they are hurting you! Although knowing it is not malicious may save your friendship! I have a friend who talks a lot about how many kids she has and has even said to me, 'Don’t have any more, they are so much hard work!' Knowing full well that I can’t have any more! BUT I know she is not being mean or malicious, she just does not understand and never has.

I would also say that pregnant friends will not always get it either. I had one pregnant friend who actually took umbrage a bit that I was not happy to talk about her pregnancy when I had not children and no sign of a pregnancy!

I think you may need to decide if you think your friends are just 'a bit insensitive' but mean well or are actually being smug at your expense, and what you feel about that for your friendship.

Lastly I agree with everyone else re 'All issues are my fault' - it is a very unhelpful way to phrase your own situation. For a start I am not sure it is always so clear cut, but even if you know for a fact every single factor that is influencing your fertility as a couple is in relation to your body, please do not lay 'the blame' at your door. It is not your fault. It is outside your control.

Please do feel free to pm me if you wish to.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound Tue 26-Jan-16 20:38:18

Phew, sorry LONG! grin

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