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AIBU to still seethe about last weekend

(29 Posts)
lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 15:20:00

Mum has cancer. I visit her 60 miles away once a week. I work 4 days. I have 8 yr old who isn't keen on mum being away. I have MS (mild for now apart from fatigue). I have siblings who also pitch in with mum. Last weekend, for first time in over 2 months, dh and I took dd to visit Mum. Mum has been in hospital all this time and is struggling to adjust to being back home. DH has many strengths but cocked up this weekend.From the off he gave mum the impression we had to hurry home. My obvious anger at this resulted in me later being accused of being unfair to him - a not very private exchange in another room. I had just had a conversation with mum about DNR so I wasn't in a domestic disagreement kind of mood. The disagreement continued back home when I told him how angry I was but he wouldn't accept it. I tried and probably failed to keep this from dd by having conversations in another room. We are back to normal affability now. Only we aren't. I'm still angry. I'm worried about my very poorly mum and upset that I can't get to see her more often. Im trying to keep things normal for dd but business is not as usual and I can't believe dh thought it ok to have a stupid domestic while I was on a precious visit to Mum with our dd.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 26-Jan-16 15:29:43

Why did he feel the need to act like you had to hurry home? Concern for DD would wash more than his own comfort.

redexpat Tue 26-Jan-16 15:29:59

Thoughtless at best. Will he not acknowledge how his actions have affected you?

WannaBeAMummy16 Tue 26-Jan-16 15:32:50

I don't understand. How did he give the impresson that you had to hurry home?

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 15:37:51

Thanks MrsTP, he was apparently trying to explain why I wouldn't have time to go shopping for Mum if he was taking dd out so Mum and I could have some time together. Which is very nice but he explained it all wrong and it came out very badly. Mum was a bit nonplussed, I tried to brush it off and give her my usual breezy "It's nothing we can't sort out". Which was me being unfair. Stupid domestic follows.

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 15:41:33

I should add we only have one car and what was planned for dd involved use of car because the weather was crap. I know it's all silly domestic bollocks but I just feel that it wasn't the time or place to launch into it. It was the time and place to fake calm and easy resolution of any problems.

WannaBeAMummy16 Tue 26-Jan-16 15:41:42

If he explained it wrong then let it drop. It's clear he didn't mean to or want to upset you or your mum. Go up to him, give him a kiss and cuddle and tell him you're sorry you didn't understand at the time. Lifes too short.

keely79 Tue 26-Jan-16 15:46:33

Sounds like a misunderstanding rather than deliberate unkindness. You must be feeling very stressed and upset at the moment - I'm so sorry about your mother being sick - maybe he's trying to be helpful but not understanding how some of it comes across.

I would sit down together once you've both had a chance to cool off and let him know how you're feeling about everything that's going on and why you felt the way you did at his comment.

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 15:46:50

Thanks, Wannabe.

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 15:48:43

And thanks, keely. I can't really discuss this with anyone and you make sense.

bessiebumptious2 Tue 26-Jan-16 15:55:04

Going through this with your mum will bring all kinds of feelings and sometimes, it's hard to see what's reasonable or not because you're in a heightened emotional state (even if and when your mum's stable, you will still feel this way). It can take a long time to come out of this state so you will likely be sensitive to all sorts of ... essentially ... minor things.

Talk to your DH regularly about how you're feeling at a point that you feel calm. If he hasn't been through anything similar then he may not fully understand - some people don't.

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 16:05:54

Thanks, Bessie.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Tue 26-Jan-16 16:23:18

Have I understood this correctly?

So you drove as a family to visit your mum 60 miles away and your DH was taking your 8 yr old out to do something in the car so you and your mum could spend time together [ie discuss DNR discreetly I assume?] ?
Therefore the car wasn't available for you to run to the shops for her and he implied that on his return you would need to get going?

I can completely understand why you were quite annoyed that he didn't do this "It was the time and place to fake calm and easy resolution of any problems." In the grand scheme of things I'd probably just say sorry for over-reacting but as things stand you don't want your mum to be even remotely concerning herself around basic logistics and that any wrinkles should be discussed out of her hearing.

If I have understood correctly I'd be more annoyed that DH and your DD couldn't go and do the fecking grocery shopping and make themselves useful to be honest. <misses entire point and potentially creates another row>

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 16:45:45

Hi Tread. He did offer to do the shopping (he always does ours so he's far from hopeless). However, he was making heavy weather of discussing mum's list - unfamiliar stuff and unfamiliar supermarket - and I just wanted to sort it myself. Ho hum.

IsItMeOr Tue 26-Jan-16 16:46:55

So sorry you are going through this OP, and hope that your mum feels more comfortable now that she is at home.

We unfortunately have family experience of life with cancer. It is hugely stressful, especially if the prognosis is uncertain or going badly.

It honestly sounds like your DH was stressed himself, and trying to do the right thing, albeit potentially clumsily.

However hard everyone tries, it is probably always going to be quite a shit time. The trick is to steal a few good bits for all of you. For us, that was sharing a pizza with DSIL in her last days at home and some games of Rummikub at the hospice. Other bits, not so much.

Have you spoken to DD about your mum's illness? It helped us a lot to talk to DS about what was going on, so we knew he would understand what was happening if/when we got upset or angry. There are some good resources on the internet about talking to children about a cancer diagnosis.

As for DH, I personally would acknowledge things got out of hand, that you are finding this really difficult and talk about how you can agree the logistics of the next visit in advance, to avoid this particular issue being a source of tension again.

flowers

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 16:52:21

Hi, isit. I've discussed Mum's condition gently with dd.
DH and I had a plan for this visit but it didn't work out and dh is less good at amending plans at short notice.
I need to shrug it off and focus on the important stuff.

museumum Tue 26-Jan-16 16:59:00

Poor you, it all sounds very stressful. I don't think it sounds like your dh wanted to have a domestic at all, it just happened because everybody was a bit fraught and stressed.

I do understand you feel he 'spoiled' the visit, but really it just all went a bit wrong because everybody's emotions and stress bubbled over a bit.

It's ok to be stressed. Kiss and make up. And next time you go speak to each other before you go and acknowledge that it will be stressful and emotional but tell him that you feel that keeping calm and not voicing that stress near your dm or dd is very important.

flowers

I would also say that when you are dealing with something as bit as a parent with cancer sometimes it is easier to focus your grief and sense of frustration on something much more mundane. So instead of shouting about how unfair it is that your DM is seriously ill flowers and how you wish you could fix it, you have a row with your DH over something you would ignore in other circumstances.

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 17:01:42

Thank you everyone for being so kind and sensible.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 26-Jan-16 17:08:05

Big hugs OP. flowers

Viviennemary Tue 26-Jan-16 17:09:16

It's a hugely stressful time for you and I don't think anyone on this thread could deny this. But I really don't think your DH did very much wrong from where I'm looking from. I can see you were tense and annoyed with your DH but don't see that he did anything wrong but imply that you wouldn't have time to do the shoppping and take DD out. Why didn't he take DD somewhere and then they could have done a bit of shopping on the way back.

IsItMeOr Tue 26-Jan-16 17:34:44

Well done on talking to DD about it lavender. Did you include telling her about how it would make you feel/behave? That was important for DS, as he could obviously tell we were "off" and assumed it was his fault. Once we explained it, we were able to quickly remind him if we got angry or upset that it was because we were worried about DSIL.

Another lot of big hugs.

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 17:56:32

That's very helpful, isit. We've talked to her about granny 's illness but not about how it affects us. Good idea. I'll bring it into the conversation.

Epilepsyhelp Tue 26-Jan-16 18:00:42

Well I do think he was wrong to have a row and harp on about being 'treated unfairly' in your mother's house when she's so ill. That was thoughtless and selfish and I would have been as pissed off as you OP.

I would let it go now though, you've told him how you feel and there's not much else you can do.

lavenderdoilly Tue 26-Jan-16 18:08:48

Thanks EpilepsyHelp. Wise and understanding.

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