To be secretly mad at and dislike my parents.

(22 Posts)
namechange129 Tue 26-Jan-16 01:14:22

My dad is the most negative person ever, my mum is nice but seems really fake, she tells people I think/do things I don't to make herself look good, its weird.
The reason why I'm angry at them is long but here goes:
When I was 10, my teacher told my dad I should see a mental health person (cant remember specifics) and she was concerned etc he got in an argument with her and said he didn't raise a psycho and that was the end of that.
Then at secondary school, same situation really but constantly, referred to cahms and my mum took me once, dad had a strop about it and never went again.
Was seeing an educational psychologist at school for a while bit stopped seeing her because I was told by my parents that I didn't need to.
Arrested at 12 for bring drunk in a park, didn't seem concerned just angry.
Lots of minor trouble with police for shoplifting alcohol and drinking.
Lots of trouble at school, ended up getting expelled. The kind of trouble wasnt purposely disruptive but I would get myself in trouble refusing to do things that I couldn't do due to some kind of anxiety- e.g would refuse to do a presentation in front of class and would get in arguments with teachers to get out of it.
Lots of self harming throughout from 11-20, they used to shout at me for it and say I was mental.
Overdose at 15, was a cry for help really rather than a serious attempt, parents very angry when a&e phoned them. I got grounded. I did this a lot more times after this just because I didn't know what else to do.
This will possibly out me but at 17 I got taken by police to hospital for wondering down a street naked by myself at night, I can only really remember that I wanted something bad to happpen to me, so that someone might help me sort my head out. I know that's stupid but I was a mess.

Theres a lot of other things. But basically now I'm in my 20s and have my own DS I am starting to really be angry with them that they never tried to help me. I feel like my life would have been a lot different if they did. I'm working on sorting it out.

But ffs. I know I was a massive dick but If teachers kept telling me DS needed help I would be concerned, not angry at him.

I told my mum the other day that my gp thinkss I have ocd (pure o) and gave me antidepressants, she seemed annoyed and said "they'll have you down as a loon" and told me not to take them hmm
But they're allllll about family and have bucket loaaads of time and sympathy for everyone else, as long as it makes them look good.

2 brothers were pretty normal growing up so I get that I was an awful kid/teen but I was still a chid that could have done with their help.

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jan-16 01:28:23

You've got to distance yourself whilst you work through this.

I had a neglectful childhood and it took me until my 40's to really confront my Mum.

There was no changing her, I think she had a PD, I would never have the Mum/Parents that every child should have, nothing would change that.

I found some of the links on the relationship board, helpful and did my own reading around stuff.

It's also tough when you realise your Parents are crappy and ignorant.

You had a neglected childhood, in regards to your Emotional State/MH.

Broken1Girl Tue 26-Jan-16 01:43:15

flowers
Yup relate to this.
Search for the Stately Homes thread.

namechange129 Tue 26-Jan-16 01:44:55

I think it's so confusing because it doesn't seem like my childhood was neglectful at all, was always clean/well fed/ parents took us on holiday/took us out etc
But its as if they had a weird, fictional idea of me as what they wanted me to be like and went into some weird denial about it because they thought their children should be a certain way. or something.
I just get really annoyed when I think that if they had listened to that teacher when I was 10 then maybe I wouldn't of had to go through a lot of the problems I had, or I would have had better ways of coping than I did/do

LizKeen Tue 26-Jan-16 01:55:29

I could have written your last post.

I am NC with mine. We were always clean and fed, we didn't have holidays but we were taken care of on a basic level.

I think my mum is mentally ill and as she gets older it seems to be getting worse. I couldn't take it anymore. I am still angry at them for the way they shut me off emotionally. Its all or nothing with my mum. If she isn't in control she washes her hands of the situation. I ran away when I was 17 and didn't go back. They didn't even look for me or call the police. When I look at my own DCs that is mind boggling to me.

You are justified in your anger but you have to not let it consume you. It was a neglectful childhood and you shouldn't blame yourself. Yes you may have been a nightmare but that was caused by their neglectful parenting and your behaviour in no way excuses their's.

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jan-16 01:57:29

OP, they neglected your individual Emotional/Health needs, neglect covers different areas.

It sounds as though you are just an extension and reflection on them and not your own person, in their minds.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 26-Jan-16 03:32:57

You have an absolute right to your feelings. I hope you have the support you need to work through them. There's no law that says we have to stay in touch with our parents if we don't want to.

This is NOT an excuse for them, but at one time (and still, to a certain extent) there were massive feelings of 'shame' about having mental health issues in one's family. It was considered a 'stigma'. To have a family member with mental health problems meant there was something 'wrong' with the family. And so many families lived in a state of denial. It was wrong of them, but maybe your parents just couldn't admit that their child needed professional help.

WeiAnMeokEo Tue 26-Jan-16 03:55:32

You were not a 'nightmare' or a dick. You were ill and in pain and needed help, and they denied it you. I had similar issues with my stepdad - shouted at for a suicide attempt, grounded for bulimic episodes, simultaneously subject to what I can now see was emotional abuse and constant pressure to be thin (all as part of what you mention - he basically wanted me to be someone else or not there at all, and it was terribly inconvenient and embarrassing whenever I didn't meet such I.possible expectations).

Go with your gut on this and get the help you deserve. Wishing you well, and sending strength.

Doublebubblebubble Tue 26-Jan-16 04:14:32

I feel this. I really dislike my parents - also couldn't fathom the upbringing dragging I had. Mum is a manipulative biatch, dad was a violent drunk (not so much anymore he didn't like the responsibility of children so when they split up and he moved out he suddenly became less violent and passive I dont get it. still the damage was very much done) I love them on a very basic level, because, well they are my parents... But I think I'm going to have to nc the both of them soon as dcs have both had lung related issues and they both continue to smoke like chimneys around them Me and my brother have never been a priority to them so I don't see why I should allow it. Dbro is more damaged than me.

Moopsboopsmum Tue 26-Jan-16 04:30:25

YANBU. My gorgeous DH has Pure O. His parents don't understand and have never tried to help him. He suffered his whole life until he met me and I gave him 'permission' to be who he is and feel better. He is also seeing a psychiatrist and is medicated. His parents know about this but still do not accept responsibility for not helping/caring when he was a kid/teen. He is really good about it and still loves them, it's me who thinks they are a pair of total c**nts. They are also very much about keeping up appearances and basically are very negative about me because I think they can't handle my acceptance of him as who he is. iYSWIM. As PP have said, go low/no contact until you feel more sorted. And protect your DS from them. I am trying so hard to understand my kids so if they are affected, they won't need to feel lost and alone. Good luck OP, try to let go of the past and your anger and move forward.

Grapejuicerocks Tue 26-Jan-16 08:34:17

You are so not being unreasonable to resent your parents. They took care of your physical needs but were so negligent of your mental needs. No one would blame you for not wanting to have anything to do with them, but it isn't as simple as that is it? Your feelings will be very complex about it all and you need a good counsellor to help you unravel and understand those feelings to get you to a place of acceptance and healing so that you have an ability to move forward in a positive way.

I know that you have been involved with therapy up till now. Has it helped? Are you more self aware? Can you get more? What about self help books?
I think the more understanding you have about yourself and the impact of your parents reactions had on you the better.

Good luck. thanks

Purplecan4 Tue 26-Jan-16 08:52:29

Yanbu to resent your parents.
It sounds like they have no understanding whatsoever of mental health. Their denial of what was happening to you sounds pretty spectacular though. There is obviously something not right with at least one of them, possibly the more dominant one, to refuse to seek help when advised repeatedly.

Can you think of any reason for their behaviour? Do you think one of them has/had MH issues and went to great lengths to cover it up?

BoboChic Tue 26-Jan-16 08:59:02

Parents often cannot understand why their DC are not happy within the life that parents provide. Couples can have their own blind spots about feelings that are and are not allowed - a form of non-explicit censorship. DC have to find other forms of release for forbidden uncomfortable feelings.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Tue 26-Jan-16 09:24:38

"my mum is nice but seems really fake, she tells people I think/do things I don't to make herself look good, its weird."

this is my mum too; she does it all the time. I rarely see extended family due to living abroad and am not that close to my siblings but we get on OK, however it is getting harder and harder to get on with them as they hear so much about my thoughts, feelings and motivations from my mother which she has absolutely fabricated. Its hard to talk to my siblings about anything now as they mention things my mother has told them which she has claimed I have told her - especially about what I was thinking/ an opinion I'm meant to have/ why I did something, and it seems as if its been the subject of quite some discussion, but it's the first I've heard of it and not true at all, in fact often the opposite to the truth or just utterly not something I would do/ say/ be motivated by! I find myself saying "I never said that", "that's not true", "I don't know where she got that from", "actually it happened differently"... they see her every day and don't seem to realise the extent she fabricates... I don't think I realised until I properly left home permanently and moved a long way away, and then returned to visit...

My dad does it to a lesser degree - he got it into his head that I was suited to a particular career when I was a child and teen and had apparently discussed this with my mother, but he'd never mentioned it to me; I was really taken aback when we were at a social gathering with a lot of his colleagues and their children, whom we didn't usually mix with, and he was telling and had told most of them about my utterly fictitious career ambitions...

My parents (mother especially) also re-write the past... She often tells stories of how she parented in order to compare her remembered parenting favourably to other people's who she sees now. She loves to tell tales of terrible parenting and compare it to her own, but very often she did the exact thing she is now criticising, but has re-written her memory and seems convinced her response to a situation was the one she now recognises as a better one, or there is only a grain of truth and a lot of misinformation in her fabrication. I guess everyone re-writes their own history to a degree but it seems more marked, and she seems not to realise that I also remember things that happened when I was a child, and especially an older child/ teen and will notice her "improved" versions are different...

I can never work out whether this is "normal"... as in something everyone does to a degree... my siblings don't seem to really acknowledge it. As you say it is weird.

namechange129 Tue 26-Jan-16 09:27:20

Purplean- I'd say I'm pretty sure neither have had severe mental health issues, they "don't believe in it" apparently.
I think it's my dad mainly, because my mum would try some of the suggestions from school e.g se did tke me to cahms once, but then for some reason (probably my dad) didn't again. She was the one who always came to meetings with the school, and later college. But I think that partly because she thought she'd look bad if she didn't.
They were only supportive when you were doing something well and that they approved of, for eexanple I was always good at maths, so would here lots about that and shed talk to family about that, ignoring the fact that being good at maths is useless if you're not even allowed to sit your exams.
In nursery the teachers suspected I may be autistic, parents refused to do anything about it. I don't think I am autistic but its the fact that if my ds's nursery teachers suspected autism I would be straight to the gp I just don't understand why they didn't. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with my brain because I just cant do a lot of things that "normal" people can and ended up in a lot of trouble drinking as a kid to fix it

mrsjskelton Tue 26-Jan-16 09:34:08

How awful for you OP, your parents clearly stigmatise mental health as being something to be ashamed of. It's got to be more shameful to let your child go through all of that misguided journey than just admit they need some help early on! Well done for getting the help you need as an adult, I hope you feel more like yourself as a result. Your parents should be ashamed that they didn't and CONTINUE not to support you.

Also please don't compare yourself to your siblings - you never know what they may struggle with - they were brought up by your parents too!

You have every right to be disappointed in them but I get the feeling they will never change their outlook. And with regard to your DC - please just do what you think is best, they have no right to judge you on any decision you make regarding them.

namechange129 Tue 26-Jan-16 09:36:39

In college I had this tutor who taught my photography class, she'd met my mum a few times and had heard from the head of sixth form about some of the dribking and self harm and she offered me to live with her(she had a sort of house share type thing going on, and I was 18 so not as weird as it sounds.I didn't go though) so even a relative stranger coud tell I needed some kind of support but not my own parents hmm

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Tue 26-Jan-16 09:38:15

YANBU to feel angry with them for refusing to acknowledge your issues and to follow advice to get your help. What you describe is really quite serious.

Perhaps going back even a few years there was more stigma and less knowledge about mental health and different conditions which can cause non typical behaviour and they really believed you were just misbehaving. However as they were repeatedly advised by teachers to seek help and you had help available through CHAMS which they wouldn't help you access it is not really an excuse.

Of course however YANBU you probably do need to seek help to move past this, and go low contact with your parents, just see them at big gatherings and accept that is how they are, as you will not change them now. I don't know if you could perhaps see a GP about this and ask for some form of counselling or therapy to come to terms with your childhood?

namechange129 Tue 26-Jan-16 09:48:07

Schwab-i know exactly what you mean, even down to the fact she loves to point out examples of terrible parenting and compare them to her own apparently brilliant parenting. I would have rather had chicken nuggets and a bit of support tbh mum.

When DS was born I lived at home still and apparently he was perfect, slept through from birth because I was soo laid back and coping so well.
In reality I was exhausted my relationship was breaking down and I probably had pnd.
I think she doesn't realise other people have feelings, this is a weird example but I think it shhows her lack of ability to put herself in others shoes:
I went away with her and my kid sister when I was 9 months pregnant, on the drive home I needed a wee and asked if she could stop at the next service station, she said she would then when we got to it refused and threw a strop. We were an hour away from home! It would only have been mildly inconvenient for her.
It's a pathetic example but I think she doesn't see me as a person, or see anyone as a person.

Gatehouse77 Tue 26-Jan-16 09:58:11

Even when you know your own childhood and choices your parents made were wrong and that providing food/shelter isn't enough, it is massively highlighted when you have your own children.

Some things my parents did/didn't do I gave the benefit of the doubt. After all, they are a product of their own upbringing. Then I had my own children and just cannot comprehend some of them now. Some of it was about appearances/reputation but at what cost?

I suspect my mother had underlying depression throughout our lives but she couldn't be honest with herself about it. We have seen a diary she wrote at one point in her life and there's so much more to read between the lines.

Like other have said, maybe some distance between you and them work be good for the time being. Also, be very selective about what you tell them. Always tell the truth but the truth doesn't always have to be told. I.e. give enough information to satisfy but no more.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Tue 26-Jan-16 10:12:55

I wonder if its actually a condition namechange - I've not really heard anyone else describe the weird sort of compulsive lying/ fictionalising/ re-writing both the past and other people's thoughts/ feelings etc. all to make it reflect better on them before! Ironically my mother has always claimed to be "too honest" and "incapable of lying" and tells all and sundry that about herself (and all her offspring) I don't think she sees what she does as lying and think that once she has re-written something in her head she really believes it is the truth. confused

Fortunately for me I didn't have the sort of issues you had growing up, and until I actually gained distance by moving away I didn't really see anything odd... Most of my siblings have had issues, especially eating disorders, but they have either been kept secret from my parents or in the most extreme case they did take it seriously.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Tue 26-Jan-16 10:31:41

"When DS was born I lived at home still and apparently he was perfect, slept through from birth because I was soo laid back and coping so well.
In reality I was exhausted my relationship was breaking down and I probably had pnd."

I recognise this as well - telling anyone and everyone her children are naturally brilliant parents with a heavy implication (and sometimes not just an implication but flat out assertion) that this is because they were so well parented by her, and are parenting just like she did...

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