to ask about bills split?

[Violenza]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my fiancé for 7yrs, we rent at the moment and split bills 50/50.

We are aiming to buy a house this summer.

We talked earlier and sort of made rough plans with regards to paying the mortgage. The mortgage will possibly be £1400 PCM, our rent is £575.

I earn £4/5000 a month, I'm self employed and my earnings are continually increasing each year. My partner earns £1900 a month, not likely to increase much, he gets a £6k bonus each year.

My AIBU is, I'm concerned about contributing so much more and the implications should we separate. We sort of said I would pay £900, him £500, split the rest of the bills.

Normally I wouldn't car but we have been 50/50 from the start at his insistence, when he was earning £1900 and I was at Uni and starting my business and had hardly any money due to redundancy. I'm a bit bitter about it still, and also worried I'm not protecting myself as much as I should. I've found him to be a little grabby in the past if he can get away with it, like forgetting to send me half shopping money until I remind him. He also spends a lot on stuff for himself, so isn't poor at all.

Also, he is an only child and will inherit his mums house one day, whereas my parents have messed things up and won't have anything to pass down. I feel like it would be unfair if I paid nearly twice as much on the house and then say he got an inheritance and didn't put it towards the house?

Can anyone help? Sorry it's long.

[2rebecca]

For me partnership means you regard each other as being equally valuable and money is "our" money. I earn more than my husband but our money has always been put in to joint accounts. he actually works more hours than me so it's not like he's a cocklodger.
I paid more money in to our house as I had more money.
Some people have a "my" money and "his" money attitude to marriage but to me if you don't view it as a joint endeavour why bother getting married.
I wouldn't marry someone who had a different attitude to money to me though.
Why would you not want to share your stuff with the person you love?

[Violenza]

It's not that I don't want to share, it's just I've experienced the reverse and he didn't share his much larger income, so I'm wary and confused I suppose.

This is the first time I've earned this much, I want to buy more equipment for work and need a new car (he bought a new car with savings last year)..

Also, we aren't married yet.. So I feel like I should be careful to protect myself.

I'm honestly a very giving and sharing person, it's just his 50/50 attitude all this time has annoyed me somewhat, and now I earn so much he's got no problem with me paying more, even though he never did.

I just worry I'll regret it if we separated in say 10 yrs and I will wish I had stuck to 50/50. I don't want to have lots of disposable income and him nothing.

[Lweji]

How long have you been engaged?
Do you have plans to get married?

Personally, I wouldn't be with someone I couldn't regard as a true partner, which would include sharing finances, or at least end up with similar spending money. Or with someone who I resented from previous financial arrangements.

Do you have any children? How do you see the financial arrangements if you have children?

If you continue not to be married, make sure whatever your contributions for the house are that your investment is protected should you split.

I'd leave any inheritance out of the calculations because he might not inherit anything for whatever reason and you may well have split by then.

[TheMouseThatRoared]

I would think twice before marrying a person (your dp) who is so grabby with money. It doesn't bode well for the future.

[Riderontheswarm]

50 : 50 isn't fair when you earn more than twice what be does.

[Anomaly]

So when you were struggling he didn't really support you? Not surprised that still rankles. These days despite him insisting on 50/50 he's the one forgetting to pay you what he owes? I think a bit of counselling might be a good idea before the house buying and getting married. If you don't feel like you want to share then it may be your gut telling you something. To be honest in your position marriage isn't actually financially very sensible.

[ChristineDePisan]

I wouldn't buy a house with someone who wasn't on the same page as me in how we dealt with financial stuff. Not the actual amounts earnt, but their attitude towards it

[Wombat87]

I would protect yourself. A solicitor can help you get something together that requires you to both list incomings and savings. Have it drawn up. I think it's called a CoHab agreement and they are quite common.

It details who has put what into the relationship, who would be owed what should you split. And agree how long it's valid for and if it's to change upon marriage.

People get engaged. It doesn't always end with a wedding. Good luck getting him to sign it though, he doesn't sound like he will but if you feel him to be a bit grabby id insist.

[Violenza]

My position on finances would be everything in one pot, if it weren't for his previous behaviour.

He didn't support me, no.. Not at all actually. He's also been emotionally abusive in arguments in the past and money was something he always brought up. Saying silly things like I was a gold digger or something, despite being 50/50 so that didn't make sense.

Deep down I do worry that I'm sleep walking into something that doesn't feel right. But part of me worries that I'm being silly.

We have been engaged for 6 months, at my instigation, not made a single wedding plan yet. I've been wondering if I want to get married due to the financial circumstances. I'm scared of losing what I've worked so hard for.

I'm 32, he's 39. No children.

We get on great but he can be selfish and I'm very unselfish.. If we had kids (someone asked) I think he imagines me bringing them up, so how I would do that and run my business I'm not sure.. Discussions don't seem to go far, he obviously doesn't like making plans and then glosses over stuff.

Not painting a great picture I know.

[Wombat87]

But DP owns the house. We've both paid for furniture and renovations. I pay the bills. He pays the mortgage. We split the food. He covers most dinners out, I cover toiletries. When we get married, any I go on the deeds of the house to make things easier.

[Wombat87]

OP we aren't here to judge your relationship. Just advise on what you've asked. Speak to a solicitor about a co hab or how you can protect yourself. It won't hurt and if you're rock solid he I'll sign. I wouldn't do anything till something is in place

[Peevedquitter]

Exactly what Christine wrote.

It is incredibly unusual to earn exactly the same amount but the discrepancy between you two is quite large. Regardless of how people sort out their housekeeping it's the settlement on divorce or anything that has to be followed in law that ultimately counts.

Call me an old cynic but I wouldn't be marrying anyone who could put a claim in against my assets if I earned so much more.

[Lweji]

You're definitely not being silly.

This is the time to decide what you want. Before buying a house, before any children and before getting married.

Can you see being happy with him? Are you happy now?

You still have time to have children with the right man. Don't waste any more time on someone who is not a true partner.

[Peevedquitter]

You don't sound that happy op, do you want DC? you are at an age where quite a few of my friends panicked about not being settled as they were over 30 and some rash decisions were made.

[Violenza]

I don't know if I'm happy, probably not.. But I worry that I'm projecting my issues into him and ruining what happiness we do have.

He's been a complete shit to me in the past ( verbally ), I am worried about being financially tied to him.

I guess the house buying has brought up a lot of painful questions that I've probably ignored before.

[Monty27]

I'd be very put off. But then I've been 'stung' a couple of times too. Hmm.

No, I wouldn't do it again.

Good luck.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I think this is a tiny part of a much bigger picture. You are doing so well, you're so young. He wasn't supportive, you instigated the engagement and you describe him as emotionally abusive.

Normally I would always advise sharing and having equal money in a relationship. Not in this one. I think you need to think about what you want long-term.

I bet if you take time to have children and cut down on your business he will magically want to go back to whatever arrangement suits him the most.

[Violenza]

He is a good match to me in a lot of ways, but he's not very trusting and despite not ever stepping a foot wrong I feel like he's waiting for me to let him down.

I want children, but I'm not in a massive rush, I'm happy focussing on work for a few more years.

Part of me feels that he doesn't deserve me. He will have a lovely house and me, but he's never done anything extraordinarily special for me really.

I just feel like I'll end up buying the house because it's better than the alternative.

Thank you for the solicitor advice, maybe I should look into that more, especially the cohab agreement.

[oohlalala]

My DH has always earned more than me, but we contribute in percentages. We both put 50% of our income into a pot and the rest of the money is our own, although tbh it mostly goes on the kids anyway.

I have to say since having children, my earning capacity has gone down further, so I am a little reliant on him, but thats what marriage is all about, leaning on each other. He works and earns more, I have a part time job, but do more house work and childcare. You need to find a balance, but if this isn't possible I would be questionning how you can move forward.

[Ditsy4]

Draw up an agreement with a solicitor. I have one with a family member then you are both protected and if anything happens to one of you it is easier to sort out. It doesn't cost much.

[Violenza]

MrsTerryPratchet - yes I think that sums up my feelings well.

I know he loves me, maybe more than I do him.. But I'm not sure how far his selfish attitude will take us. Having kids would be the biggest test of that but by then it's too late to back out. On the other hand I could be worrying for nothing.

[Twinklestein]

Run very fast from a man who is emotionally abusive in any context and calls you a golddigger - he's a misogynist. Particularly if he's 'grabby' with money and doesn't share his income as you do.

Deep down I do worry that I'm sleep walking into something that doesn't feel right. But part of me worries that I'm being silly.

No, you're not being silly, you're absolutely right. You've written this thread because you know in your heart this is not the right choice for you.

That little voice is the one people who end up married to the wrong person always wish they'd listen to.

Analyse why you've 'sleepwalked' into this. Is this all you expect a man can be? Can't you do better?

[Twinklestein]

He's been a complete shit to me in the past ( verbally ), I am worried about being financially tied to him.

Xposts.

Why on EARTH would you marry someone who's a complete shit to you?

What's your past history? Where did you get such low expectations of a life partner?

[Violenza]

My mum and step-dad had an abusive relationship, probably from that.

I think before I started earning well I was sort of trapped, I didn't have enough to move out. I remember the first year wishing I'd never left my flat that I rented on my own to move in together. Things have settled down a bit, but every few months his inner prick comes out for no reason and I get called all sorts.. He's threatened my job, my work equipment, all sorts.. Of course, I gets sorted out and we move on, but each time I trust him and his motives less and less.

I used to be out going, but not anymore.. He doesn't like anyone and doesn't want to entertain my family/friends, so I miss out too.

Gah, it sounds shit because it is shit.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

God, you're not being silly, those little voices are basically your unconscious mind YELLING at you to stop! STOP! NOW! Get out of it before you're financially tied to this git.

Do NOT buy the house with him, do NOT marry him. Leave him and find a) a higher level of self-esteem and b) someone who actually does care about you as an equal partner. I know you're 32, but you still have some years left to find a decent bloke and have children with him, one who will actually be a proper partner to you and co-parent to your children (this one won't, it's almost a dead cert).

Listen to the little voices. They know.