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im bridesmaid to a bridezilla who won't come to my own wedding

(241 Posts)
selfishbride Mon 25-Jan-16 22:41:48

I'm bridesmaid for one of my friends in July, we met at uni and have been very close for 10 years. Over Christmas I got expectantly got engaged myself, and friend was very happy for me giving me flowers and a card etc.

Fast forward to me giving her a save the date for my own wedding in August, and she replied straight away saying she was going to another wedding. No apology, no explanation.

On meeting with her she explained the wedding was of a close friend of her hubby to be, however she barely knows the guy or his wife to be. I questioned why her husband to be could not go to that wedding and her to mine. However this doesn't appear to be an option she wants to consider.
This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'.

I'm devastated and cant understand why she has made the decision not to attend my wedding, as if I would without a doubt attend her wedding over one of my fiancées friends.

The wedding she says she's attending is not booked in any manner, the couple don't even have a venue. So it is not that she already has hotel, transport etc. Our wedding is all booked.

It makes it worse that she is the most demanding bride when it comes to being her bridesmaid. Constant bridesmaids meetings and being really fussy over things and generally very demanding. Its upsetting me that I am doing all these things for her yet feel she doesn't care enough to return the favour for me or even attend my day. She would have been my bridesmaid.

What do you guys think? I'm unsure what to do so am currently avoiding her but due to attend another bridesmaid meeting soon so cant for much longer!

OwlinaTree Mon 25-Jan-16 22:44:50

You must be gutted, but it's her decision to make.

Do you think there's more to it than just the date clash? Jealously?

Nomoregrief Mon 25-Jan-16 22:46:01

Drop out of her wedding with the excuse that you now have go to the wedding of a friend of your fiance.
You friendship will be toast, but the revenge will be sweet....

Bohemond Mon 25-Jan-16 22:47:05

Perhaps she has RSVPd and, quite correctly, is not blowing off the first invitation because she got a better offer.

Needcaffeinenow Mon 25-Jan-16 22:48:05

Sounds like jealousy to be honest! Was she going to be one of your bridesmaids? Sounds like there is more to it than a date clash. Depends how close you are. Either tell her how hurt you are or just drop out of her wedding & cut the friendship. That really isn't a good friend!!!

JellyTotCat Mon 25-Jan-16 22:48:34

If she has already accepted the other people's invitation, then she probably feels it would be rude to drop them for a better offer. She could have acted a bit more disappointed though!

RubyRoseViolet Mon 25-Jan-16 22:49:04

Crumbs I would feel hurt too. Does she seem particularly upset that she can't come? Is she being odd about it because she wants it to be all about her wedding?

jay55 Mon 25-Jan-16 22:49:34

If she's already agreed to go to the other wedding it would be rude to turn them down for another offer.

gleam Mon 25-Jan-16 22:50:55

I wonder if there even is another couple?

Nomoregrief Mon 25-Jan-16 22:51:03

Sorry but there is pecking order of friends.
Friends enough to bridesmaid = friends enough to pull out of another wedding (or any other event) to be there for your bridesmaid.

tigermoll Mon 25-Jan-16 22:51:19

I can see why you're disappointed (and YANBU for that) but:

1. She has got a prior engagement for that date. Maybe she's a woman of her word -- some people feel strongly about not cancelling one invitation when a better one comes along.

2. She might have reasons for not wanting her H2B to have to go to the other wedding alone -- maybe he's anxious in social situations, maybe she wants to get closer to his friends, maybe she's agreed to help with something, etc.

3. Her wedding has (presumably) been booked for ages, then you suddenly get engaged and plan your wedding for ONE MONTH after hers. She may feel a bit...well...miffed at the slight thunder-stealing. You're her bridesmaid -- she might have been looking forward to planning the wedding, the hen, the dresses, etc WITH you. Now you're going to be focusing on your own wedding instead, and maybe she feels a bit let down.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 25-Jan-16 22:53:31

Honestly? I'd tell her to look for a new bridesmaid. I'd struggle to fulfil the role with a smile on my face.

"This was after asking me loads of questions about my wedding then at the end of the discussion she just said 'Shame I can't come'. "
She should have led with 'Oh no, I won't be able to come!' from the off. There's something very off about leaving it to the end that I can't quite put my finger on (other than it being more natural to clock the date first rather than press for details) - it almost suggests if her questions had been answered differently, she would have come. Which suggests jealousy.

Chillyegg Mon 25-Jan-16 22:54:07

Tell her to go rear her face and fuck of

zipzap Mon 25-Jan-16 22:55:43

From your OP it sounds like she had already had a save the date card from the other couple and accepted it... I know lots of people would say they're very sorry but once you've accepted something you can't turn it down if something better comes along.

Does she know you wanted her to be your bridesmaid?

Nomoregrief Mon 25-Jan-16 22:56:16

Bollocks to the PC approach of having accepted a prior invite. Some things are more important than precise etiquette and exact manners.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 25-Jan-16 22:56:29

She sounds very self-absorbed and tactless - which is hurtful. But if you've accepted an invitation, you can't then turn it down.

Im a bit confused as to how the other couple have a date of no venue is booked though. Perhaps it's a very small wedding

fassbendersmistress Mon 25-Jan-16 22:57:42

I think her decision is very odd. Where is the other wedding? Have they already made travel/hotel arrangements that will incur cost to get out of?

You really need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Do that sooner rather than later as the truth might affect your decision to be her bridesmaid. Or, hopefully, it might just clear things up...

VagueIdeas Mon 25-Jan-16 22:59:02

I don't think it's especially wrong that she wants to attend this wedding with her husband, as a couple. It's just really unfortunate that both weddings are happening on the same day.

RubyRoseViolet Mon 25-Jan-16 22:59:07

It's January. The other wedding isn't till August! Come on. We're getting married in May, I don't have any RSVPs yet at all. I understand that she had already accepted the save the date invitation but this is one of her closest friends!!!!

fassbendersmistress Mon 25-Jan-16 22:59:31

Sorry, I've just re-read your OP and see they have not yet made plans to travel to the other wedding. Her decision even odder in that case!

ZenNudist Mon 25-Jan-16 22:59:50

I think you should drop out of being a BM. She sounds like a frenemy.

Also the way she told you was really unfeeling. What a bitch. Even if she did feel you've 'stolen her thunder' there's no reason to behave like this. She's not a friend sorry.

Can you try and save the friendship by being honest. Say you don't feel you can be her bridesmaid as you had thought the friendship was important to her and her reaction to your own wedding has floored you. Can you tell her you're shocked and hurt? Or is that too much confrontation?

ollieplimsoles Mon 25-Jan-16 23:00:23

First thought I have on this is she has her knickers in a knot because you are getting married too and she wanted to be the only one.

Does she know you wanted her for bridesmaid?

RubyRoseViolet Mon 25-Jan-16 23:00:29

Apologies, it's in July. Still masses of time before they would need final numbers.

LovelyFriend Mon 25-Jan-16 23:05:35

so you are her bridesmaid and she won't come to your wedding?

Absolutely stop being her BM and leave her to it.

MotherKat Mon 25-Jan-16 23:05:57

Erm, at the minute she sounds pretty awful, but can I check, had you asked her to be a bridesmaid at your wedding? It seems odd that you say you were going too, but yours is all booked and you've not mentioned it to her at all.
I think maybe she was hurt, gave he excuse, realised she was bu, gave you the opportunity to ask (lots of questions about your weddibg) realised you weren't going to and was snippy.
I'm reading quite a bit into this so feel free to tell me to wind my neck in.

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