to not know what to do about DS' constant crying?(6 Posts)
Basically just that.
DS is almost 9.
He has always been a sensitive child and has always cried easily. This doesn't bother me as such, particularly as he is a boy I'm all for him feeling that he is able to cry and express his feelings without feeling that he shouldn't. However, he isn't very forthcoming with his feelings and tends to just pretend everything is fine and I will only find out that it isn't from someone else long after the fact.
He is having councilling at school, first 1:1 now in a group session as it was found that he wasn't making much progress 1:1.
I worry that, particularly as he gets older the fact that he cries all the time will become more and more difficult and he will get the piss taken out of him by other kids. This is already happening to an extent and when it does he is starting to lash out physically (probably in an attempt to 'prove' that he is tough etc.) He will be going to secondary school in a few years and I'm so worried that this will still be a problem that will get exponentially worse.
Aibu for worrying about this and not know how to improve the situation?
I have tried to speak to him about his violent reactions as I don't want him to feel that this is an acceptable reaction or a way to solve problems and when I speak to him he is apologetic and seems to realise what he has done wrong but then it still keeps happening!
Hi OP I am by no means an expert in this area but didn't want to read and run because you sound worried. You don't say why or how often he cries. When you say " constant" and cries " all the time" I am taking it to mean daily about perhaps what some other children would shrug off? Does he have a lot of anxieties? If he is having counselling has a professional such as GP seen him and referred him there? Are they giving him and you some skills to help with his anxieties?
It sounds like you are supporting him well. I think you need to keep on supporting and guiding him by trying to show understanding whilst at the same time trying to build his resilience. My DS has low confidence and whilst he does not cry you can see his body language change if he has a negative experience. I have to try in these situations remind him of the good things he can do , his positive achievements and guide him on how to deal with the less good. There are some resilience building strategies I use with him, things like "if this happens at school... How best can you cope with it" as sometimes if you think and plan for something before it happens then you are less likely to react negatively ( eg not making the football team so hitting out) and more likely to act on the plan, if you have talked it through. IYSWIM. Plus we do the " tell me all the good things that have happened today " before we go over any other things which might be less positive, then finish on the positives again. Sounds like I quiz him, I don't, it's just a chat whilst making tea. Sorry have droned on, i might be totally off on my advice , just personal experience. Your DS is still a really young DC - it will get better.
Its about trivial stuff, pretty much daily, as you said things that others probably wouldn't care about like crying because he isn't allowed an extra half an hour on his tablet (he has a limit per day) or crying because he can't have a chocolate bar etc.
He was offered the councilling by the school when we started, he moved there after me and his dad split so I thought it would be good for him to try and talk about his feelings.
In all honesty, I dont know if he has anxieties because he doesnt talk about things. I think its because he is worried that if he tells me things I will be upset (which obviously I wont and I've told him that) but he still keeps things to himself.
He has always been very mature for his age and is generally liked by other children but its just the crying that makes me worried that as he gets older others will reject him because of it.
I have done the 'modelling appropriate answers/responses' with him and he always responds really well but it just seems like when he is in that moment with whoever is doing it he loses his temper and lashes out. He says he can't help it which I don't consider a decent excuse!
Something to think about - but not a magic bullet, more a toolkit item:
Have a look at the 'Mind Up' initiative here - it's from the US but in some areas CAMHS are using it to help children manage their emotions and anger. DS has been on a course teaching them a bit about how the brain works and some mindfulness techniques. It's not new but I think is worth a look.
Fwiw my DS still finds it incredibly difficult to manage anger impulses but I think someone with less impulsiveness might find it even more useful If that makes sense.
Thanks for the link Girl.
Its really sad as he never had an aggressive bone in his body before this is very much a recent development, when I first heard about it I was completely in shock
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