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To feel angry that FIL is so critical and jugemental about me?

(66 Posts)
InnerDiva Mon 25-Jan-16 13:38:26

Yet his own daughter, aka SIL, has a total and utter car crash of a life, going from drama to drama, often caused by her.

He always, always has to make some nasty sting in the tail remark when he sees me, either about my job, or my weight (I'm a size 8-10 FFS), or how I parent my children, or about the house. He always has a smirk on his face when he says things and laughs when I say anything back or defend myself and says that I am oversensitive. His latest thing is to call my job 'Your little shop thing', as I work as an assistant manager at a shop. He never says "How is work?", it's always "Are you doing your little shop thing still?". Then he laughs when I ask him what he means. He also seems to think that DH does everything and that I'm some kind of lazy cling-on that does nothing and lives off his poor son's earnings. When I had PND after having my youngest child he made lots of comments about that too and said I was lazy. I am also apparently 'porky'

What annoys me is that SIL has a total wreck of a life. She gets sacked from jobs regularly (for things like not bothering to turn up), gets evicted from houses as she doesn't pay her rent, has been in trouble with the police for various petty things, is very overweight. Yet he thinks the sun shines out of her bum.

I am so cross about it all. DH doesn't like me saying things back to his dad, and cutting off contact is not an option as then I will end up with DH divorcing me, but arrggghhhh!

He sounds really unpleasant. Could you minimise contact?

He's obviously dismissive of your feeling, life etc in an attempt to make someone else look better (your DH, SIL, himself). Just don't engage. He's a bully.

As for your DH, does he witness all this? Does he know how it makes you feel? If so, he's probably not much better than his dad.

Ignore your SIL. Not literally, but don't focus on her - you'll just end up more resentful.

InnerDiva Mon 25-Jan-16 13:46:57

We don't see him all that much really but he just manages to always get his comments in even if it's only a 5 minute phone call, or even if he phones up and I answer and he asks if DH is there he'll make some comment.

DH doesn't witness it really as FIL tends to do it when I'm on my own but when I tell DH he says his dad means well and hasn't got a nasty bone in his body!

MaisyMooMoo Mon 25-Jan-16 13:47:00

Wow, I'm shocked at how little support your DH is giving you. Is he scared of his father because he certainly sounds it. Either that or he agrees with him which is worse.

thegreysheep Mon 25-Jan-16 13:47:17

I think he's aware perhaps of his own limitations parenting and is trying to minimise this and make himself feel better by putting down your achievements instead. A raised eyebrow and "Pardon me?" should suffice when he (tries to) get in his little digs in future!

robinofsherwood Mon 25-Jan-16 13:47:24

So, your dh expects you to put up with being belittled and laughed at? That's actually a condition of being married to him? And he insisted on this while you had pnd too?

Why aren't you furious with him?

thegreysheep Mon 25-Jan-16 13:47:49

Also, your DH needs to step up!!

thegreysheep Mon 25-Jan-16 13:48:09

Also, your DH needs to step up!!

As is often said on here:-

You have a DH problem more than you have a FIL problem.

Tell him that he can deal with his FIL from now on. You are not prepared to be the butt of snide comments and jokes any longer. You have no problem with your DH staying in touch with his Dad but, if your DH won't protect you from his Dad's bad behaviour, then you will withdraw and leave him to deal with his Dad on his own.

Throwingshade Mon 25-Jan-16 13:51:48

He's putting you down to make himself feel better about his own daughter (and himself?).

You are probably everything she's not.

By you reacting angrily or emotionally he's getting the hit he needs, hence the smirking.

Better still quite obviously ignore the comments. Say absolutely nothing. Don't reply or respond. Or change the subject.

BYOSnowman Mon 25-Jan-16 13:53:51

how about 'oh fil, I really have no interest in your opinion of me' tinkly pa laugh

And then kick your dh up the backside

My il's make comments and I just smile sweetly and pretend I have no idea what they are talking about. I have perfected the smile and blank face. Shuts any conversation down.

Hihohoho1 Mon 25-Jan-16 13:54:36

Yes he's a control freak op and obviously a mysogynistic bully.

Regards your sil he probably loved that she messes everything up so he can feel superior to the 'silly girl' and probably enjoys supporting her and advising her as this makes him feel in control and superior.

As you are sucessful and can control your own life he doesn't like that.

You have 2 options and carrying on as you are isn't one.

So you either minimise contact, don't answer the phone to him, leave all that to dh. Don't engage or visit. You are an adult and can cut contact with who you like.

The other option is just to laugh at him. So everything he makes any cutting remark just say 'oh fil you are funny!' Just that. It will infuriate him as he realises he's not getting up you.

As for your dh he sounds afraid of him and that's because he knows he's a bully, that's probably why your poor sil is how she is.

He cannot upset or control you unless you let him. So don't.

InnerDiva Mon 25-Jan-16 13:56:30

He often does the comments as a question though, so making it hard to ignore.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 25-Jan-16 14:03:40

"Are you attempting to minimise my assistant manager job?"

Tinkly laugh and walk away. Maybe with a 'such a shame your daughter doesn't have a job yet' over your shoulder

And yes, your dh is an arse. I'd be telling him that too.

SonjasSister7 Mon 25-Jan-16 14:04:06

Caller display is your friend. Hand phone to dh, don't answwe at all i he's not there. Tell dh firmlu but calmly the reason why.

And yes. Blank. Its him not you! Insecure as f* by the sounds it. Though may well have no idea he is.

srslylikeomg Mon 25-Jan-16 14:04:34

Repeat it back to him verbatim with the air of someone who wants to make sure they've got it right as what they are hearing is of vital import, and include your DH (if he's in the room) so "how's your little shop thing?" "How is my little shop thing? DH, your dad is asking how's my little shop thing is going" Or "are you sure you should have that porky!" "Am I sure I should have this biscuit as I am a bit porky?" Little digs too so "do you do any of the tidying or is it all my son""DH your dad injustice asking if I do any tidying round here, he wondered if it was all your doing, is that right FIL?" He's a bully. Call him on it, very very sweetly!

LaurieFairyCake Mon 25-Jan-16 14:04:49

I never answer questions I don't want to. I just pretend they haven't asked if they're being rude. I just say something like 'oh look it's going to rain' and walk away.

BYOSnowman Mon 25-Jan-16 14:05:12

Give a non-committal 'hmm', smile and blank look in eyes. Imagine you are talking to a 3yo in soft play that you don't know but has just come up and asked why you're so ugly

So if he says 'looking a bit porky, put on weight?'

Don't rise to it by saying 'no, I've been the same size for the past ten years. Perhaps your eyesight is the problem'

Go for 'hmmm', blank look, smile, turn away and make tea

It's the same with kids - don't enter discussion, just ignore

I make a lot of tea when il's are round

srslylikeomg Mon 25-Jan-16 14:05:54

Injustice = is just

hellsbellsmelons Mon 25-Jan-16 14:06:00

I think 'Fuck off' should suffice from now on.
That would shock him no end and he'd probably back the fuck off as well!
Worth a go?? Or divorce territory?

Yes, definitely get caller ID. Screen him.

If your DH doesn't witness this, you need to have a very frank conversation with him. I highly doubt you are the only person your FIL have ever treated like this, DH may have witnessed it before with other people your FIL knows. FIL doesn't do it in front of DH as he is perfectly aware that it's unacceptable.

AllTheMadmen Mon 25-Jan-16 14:08:20

as they say its your DH here who is the issue.

some one is insulting and belittling you but your DH is robbing you of your dignity and freedom and right to reply?

is he defending you?

FIl is awful, doesnt matter what sil does he would probably always put you down.

I would want to know why your DH is happy to hear you being spoken to in this way.

tictactoad Mon 25-Jan-16 14:09:13

Dh will divorce you if you cut off contact with this man? confused The apple doesn't fall far from this particular tree, does it?

He needs to step up to the plate and do the dealing with. Time for you to be out when FIL is due to call and get a caller ID on the phone so you don't pick up when it's him.

If FIL (& possibly DH) treat you like this, they will treat your DCs with similar disrespect. Don't stand for it.

You could respond with faux concern

How is your little shop thing?
FIL you've forgotten what I do again. Oh dear, do you find yourself forgetting a lot of things?

Are you going to eat that biscuit, you are porky.
FIL, you seem to be having problems with your eyesight. Have you been to an optician recently?

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