AIBU to be fed up and annoyed with DH?(57 Posts)
Hi! First time posting and kind of unsure about it, will try and keep it as short as possible.
Have been with DH for 8 years, married for 5 and had a lovely baby girl last year.
Up until Aug2014 we had 2 wages coming in, unfortunatly my MIL past away in November after years of fighting cancer. She was quite young. It really hit DH hard and it meant he stopped working and hasn't since. I was okay with this and supported him. As we only had my wage coming in we moved to a much cheaper but therefore not very nice flat in a not very nice area. This was only supposed to be temp.
I fell pregnant early 2015 and we were both very happy. It helped alot with DH. As the months went on the plan was that DH would look for a job, this never happened.
I also recieved some money from a family member and the plan was have some fun with it and keep the majority of it for a deposit for a house. This didn't happen as we had to live off it and he also lost some of it gambling!
The baby was born and tbh it has been great having him here with me to help for the first few months. He said would look for a job, again nothing happened.
Christmas and new year came and went but still showed no sign or interest in looking for a job.
He does suffer from this mysterious pain but has only recently started going to GP. They have done blood tests, all normal. Because of his mum he worries about cancer and rightly so as 4 have passed away from it.
He now says he will get a job when he is better. The thing is he's not bed bound. He can go to football matches etc. Sits and plays xbox for hours on end.
My MAT pay is going to half in about 2months so obviously worried about that. We also owe my mum alot of money which causes friction between me and her and we were never like that.
I am also desperate to move as flat is horrible, up 4 flights of stairs with no lift.
I totally support him and know he's not 100% but it's not just the 2 of us now. AIBU to think he really needs to sort himself out and provide for his baby?
I love my husband to bits and this post might be because I'm sleep deprived and was thinking about it last night during feeds!
Yanbu and I think you really have been far too understanding. He may be finding it difficult but that's no excuse to completely opt out of his responsibilities. I wouldn't be accepting of this.
He's had more than enough time sitting around on his arse wasting every penny you could provide.
why would he work if you are supporting him ? comes across as lazy tbh
Has he spoken to his GP about the possibility of depression?
You know him, do you think he is being lazy, or that there is something physiological going on?
I would start with asking him if he's worried/concerned about going back into work.
I do agree with the depression thing. He is very stubborn though and hates doctors due to how his mum was treated.
I feel bad for thinking he's lazy. I do try and bring it up with him but he keeps saying things will sort themselves out.
The plan was for me just go back to work for a few months and then become a SAHM which I really want to do. Now I'm worried I'll have to stay on and he won't work! I know husbands do this these days and it's all equal etc but when I became pregnant we both decided that I would be the SAHP. He does help with the baby but I do all the feeding, bathing, changing, organising, treating her skin(excema) and everything else! I love doing it so I'm not bothered.
I think I just need to vent as don't really want to discuss it in real life!
Things won't sort themselves out.
Does he imagine that businesses will start ringing him or banging down your door in order to beg him to work for them?
It sounds like he's suffering from depression & the gambling habit is a worrying sign. Would he consider counselling because he'd really benefit from it.
Is there any of the inheritance money left at all that you can lock away in a 3 month notice account or in premium bonds?
The gambling was a one off so don't see that as a problem.
No money left, it wasn't a huge amount but it would have been a good start for a deposit on a house.
Yanbu. You need to talk to him. Why isn't he doing more with his children? It's not 'helping', it's parenting.
How bad does it have to get before you will do something about this?
It is not unreasonable to tell him he needs to get a job. If he genuinely feels unable to do that then he needs to get treatment so that in the future he can get a job again. But carrying on as you are isn't an option.
If you don't say anything, things will get worse and however much you love him, resentment will start to grow.
Sorry I should have worded that better. He's a great dad and does parenting very well. I EBF so he can't do feeds-she won't take a bottle.
The issue is about a job and providing a better life for us.
From your post, OP, it seems that your DH stopped working when his Mum died in Nov 2014, and hasn't worked since. of course I have every sympathy for his loss, but this is not normal OP. We all have to deal with the loss of loved ones at some points in our lives, and whilst we all need time to grieve, (and some employers are better than others at recognising this) life does have to go on and we still have our responsibilities - work, parenting, etc.
Things will not "sort themselves out" as he seems to think they will.
He appears to be sitting around playing games all day, not looking for work, while you do the majority of the childcare. He may well be depressed, but if so, he needs to access appropriate care and treatment. Can you possibly have a word with the GP? Of course the GP cannot tell you anything about your husband, but you can tell the GP your concerns, and how your DH is at the moment. If he is depressed, not only can he access help, but also possibly extra payments while he is unable to work. Is he currently claiming JSA? (In which case he should be actively looking for work...) What work did he do before his Mum died?
In the meantime, you need to sort out what is going to happen. I think you have to give him an ultimatum. Either he finds work, or you go back to work and he does all the childcare while you are at work, plus a decent share of all the household tasks. If he claims to be too unwell, then tell him he needs to carry on seeing the GP and get himself fully investigated and sorted. You also need to agree some kind of repayment plan with your Mum, even if it is a tiny bit each month.
You have been more than understanding. He needs to get a job or, if he isn't well enough, go to the Doctors and get himself sorted. How long can you continue with this set-up? You would have a much better quality of life if he was to go back to work.
YANBU. He must get a job or get treatment for depression. Sounds like he's fallen into a bit of a hole... You must set a time limit on this and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel.
My DP would be mortified if we had to spend my inheritance on bills
So you've burnt through the money you were given, that would have helped you get a better flat/house, you owe your mum money, and he sits on his arse?
Totally unacceptable - if he is ill he needs to get treatment, if not, he needs to get his arse in gear and if that means you kicking him out for a while until he sees sense, then that's what you need to do
I don't know how you've put up with this shit for so long
Not to mention how disgusted I would be if he spent MY MONEY on gambling... Not on at all OP.
He does help with the baby but I do all the feeding, bathing, changing, organising, treating her skin(excema) and everything else
So what does he help with? I can't think of anything that's left to do.
He was a post grad student so he got paid a decent amount, more than me! He never finished the course though.
In the past 3 years I have lost my gran, granpa and mil so I understand about grief etc but have got on with things as that's what you have to do.
Doesn't claim JSA as too proud! I do think he wants to work I just think he's got stuck in this rut and doesn't know how to get out of it.
Our life together has been full of ups and downs but I just thought now at this age and with a baby that we would be more settled. I hate having to rent shit hole flats.
We are paying my mum back but would like to give her more. She gets annoyed about the situation too so find it hard to talk about it with her as it usually leads to an argument.
He's too proud to claim jsa but not too proud to spend your money, and gamble it away! Bloody hell!
he does do the baby stuff, thats not an issue.
Sorry baby was up 5 times last night so feeling a little groggy and not reading what I've wrote.
This isn't sustainable OP. He may well be depressed, but if that's the case he needs to get to the doctor and sort out a treatment plan. If he's not depressed, he needs to get a job. It's not fair for family life to crumble because of his loss - and that may well sound harsh but it's true. He has to take some responsibility for supporting you and his child.
Too proud to claim JSA Happy to sit there playing games all day long. Not proud enough I'd say.
IMHO he needs to immediately start claiming every benefit he can, in order to support his family, whilst he gets out there and looks for work. (Or as I, and many pp have said, gets appropriate treatment if he is depressed or has any other medical condition).
He's clearly an intelligent man, if he's been doing a post grad course, can he go back and complete it? However at present he needs to go out there and get work, any work. Sometimes the less someone does the less they want to do, and he is probably stuck in a rut, but you really do need to get tough with him.
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