Am I completely in the wrong here?(53 Posts)
Have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. Generally happy, few ups and downs. He's been off work for the last couple of months (financially not a major problem, as he was expecting a gap between last job and next one, and planned accordingly, but obviously as time goes on it becomes a bit boring/frustrating), I've been under a fair bit of work/home related stress, resulting in me being signed off for a short period. I'm back at work now and finding it hard going, but slogging on - due to start counselling soon, which I hope will help. So we both have 'stuff' going on.
We both have DC, and our own homes. He has his DC EOW - this weekend was his 'free' weekend, so he came up to mine on Friday. However I had a longstanding arrangement (arranged whilst he was there, pre-Xmas) to meet up with some friends yesterday for the afternoon (actually with travel time etc I ended up being out for about 7 hours, during which he was at mine).
On Friday eve, we had a couple of drinks, and things got a bit amorous in the bedroom. We don't often DTD when my DC are at home (noise etc) so we didn't progress things, but apparently I said let's go to yours tomorrow eve and continue where we left off etc.
When I got back yesterday he seemed a bit tired/bored etc. I'd honestly completely forgotten about going to his (busy day, lots of gossip/chat with friends, and my previously fairly agile brain still feels sluggish after my time off, I'm not concentrating or remembering things as I normally would) and suggested plans that involved staying at mine.
Ok, my bad. I don't know why I forgot, it wasn't deliberate, and indeed for some reason I was thinking to myself we'd go to his tonight (Sunday) as I can get to work relatively easily from there, and my DC are mid/late teens, so old enough to be left overnight/get up for school.
He agreed to my plans, then today has been a bit distant (I've been busy doing housework, laundry etc which I didn't have time to do yesterday) and finally when I asked if I'd upset him, it all came out that he'd thought we were going to his, we hadn't, I never make the effort to go to his etc.
In the interests of full disclosure, we've had 'discussions' about me not spending much/any time at his before, I have said I'd try and do more, but honestly one thing and another has got in the way - Xmas, work, needing to be here first thing to let in builders, meeting at DC school - and at no point since we last had words about it before Xmas has he suggested I come to his. Ok, it's not ALL down to him, but really is it all down to me?
Like I tried to explain to him, I was signed off work because I can't organise or prioritise my time, making me stressed, so digging me because I've not remembered to come to his (and he hasn't reminded me) just feels shit.
I asked if he thought I 'forgot'deliberately yesterday, and he said he did, which I found really hurtful, it felt like he doesn't know me at all if he thinks I'd be that calculating.
Am I totally in the wrong here? He's gone home (alone) now btw.
Tricky. I suppose his thinking might be that if he mattered enough to you, you would want to go to his house and wouldn't need to remember?
From the way you talk about it, it does sound like he's more invested in the relationship than you. But that might just be the way you write.
Nobody is being unreasonable, I think. Just maybe a compatibility issue.
I can understand why he is a bit upset. It really isn't too much to expect someone to remember something from one evening to the next one, and I assume he was excited about going back to his place with you on the Saturday evening. I would feel a bit put out if I were him. But he should have said something to you on the Saturday instead of moping around today.
He matters a lot to me, I do loads of thoughtful things for him (and vice versa).
When we're discussing what to do, he'll often say 'I'll come to you and...'
He could say 'Why don't you come to mine and...' but he doesn't. He almost never suggests it.
It's not like I refuse if he did ask, I don't. Equally I'm a FT working single parent, I have a lot on my plate, and I am struggling (and frankly have been for a long time).
I said as a solution can't we draw up a rota, so we both feel it's fair the amount of time we spend in each other's houses?
He said that shouldn't be necessary
If he'd said when I got back last night 'aren't we going to mine?' I'd have said yes, and gone off to pack a bag straight away.
As it was, I was thinking we'd go tonight. Why, I don't know.
I should add it's about 30-odd miles between our houses, so not just down the road.
I'm interested in why I don't sound invested in the relationship? (I feel I am, very much).
So why don't you plan something to do at his place weekend after next? Show him that you really are keen to be with him.
If it mattered so much to him why didn't he say so when you got back and started talking about other plans? Was it some sort of test?
I said as a solution can't we draw up a rota
Is this a relationship or work? On the other hand, if he never suggests going to his then have you pointed out to him that he needs to initiate that more? What was his response?
From your OP, I can see a number of reasons why he might have thought it wasn't worth saying anything last night.
apparently I said let's go to yours tomorrow eve and continue where we left off
Sounds like you're almost denying you said anything.
we've had 'discussions' about me not spending much/any time at his before, I have said I'd try and do more, but honestly one thing and another has got in the way - Xmas, work, needing to be here first thing to let in builders, meeting at DC school - and at no point since we last had words about it before Xmas has he suggested I come to his.
You said you try to do more but...but...but...but... - and so you haven't.
Why does it have to be his responsibility to suggest it? Why don't you initiate a change of scene?
I can't organise or prioritise my time, making me stressed, so digging me because I've not remembered to come to his (and he hasn't reminded me) just feels shit.
This is all about you. You can't organise or prioritise your time - and you're showing him where he comes in the pecking order.
Making you stressed - so he just has to suck it up when you forget what you agreed with him so that you don't have to get more stressed?
So digging you makes you feel shit - see above.
As you might have gathered, I do think YABU. Very.
I can see why he thought you didn't really want to go to his and conveniently forgot. You say this isn't the case but he thought it was. Nevertheless it isn't a nice feeling to think that somebody (you) have so much going on with your friends etc that you forgot all about him or any arrangments you made. Sounds as if you haven't really got the time or the energy for this type of relationship which does require a lot more effort I agree.
"but honestly one thing and another has got in the way - Xmas, work, needing to be here first thing to let in builders, meeting at DC school - and at no point since we last had words about it before Xmas has he suggested I come to his. Ok, it's not ALL down to him, but really is it all down to me?"
This paragraph puts him below a long list of other priorities.
Thing is he HAS to be less of a priority than my DC - I am their only parent - and work (because it's work that pays my mortgage and puts food on the table). He'd like me to come to his midweek, I'd like to do so, but for the above reasons, or because I need to let in a tradesmen (again, unavoidable if I'm a home owner, and because I'm trying to improve my house which benefits him as well, as it makes it more comfortable when he's here). I have to do all these things.
As for a rota, most of my friends have rotas with DPs they live with for cooking, cleaning etc. I just thought it might help (one of the things my GP suggested to help me organise and prioritise my time so I don't feel out of control and forget things constantly is to plan, write lists, etc).
Honestly, if he'd reminded me last night, I'd have gone to his, no question. I just didn't remember, hence why I said apparently because I'd be disingenuous to say I said X given I don't specifically remember saying it (but like I said, I can't remember a lot of stuff unless I write things down, and even then it's not 100%).
Those who think I'm BU, what more would you do in my position? How would you do things differently?
I think ya probably bu for the reasons above but absolutely definitely for limiting your sex life to this degree married people have sex
hopefully quiet when their kids are in the house. He's feeling rejected and pushed way down your list of priorities. Sex is important esp for many men it's how they show and know they are loved and treasured he is obviously not secure enough to ask for more alone time having already done so and got nowhere. I get your feeling bad at the moment but you need to listen to him too.
Are you in a good place for a relationship? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds like he's making all the effort. You can't shag at yours because your kids (that are old enough to be left overnight alone) are in the house? You make commitments to spend hours and hours with other people, leaving him alone when he makes the effort to come to yours, (that on its own wouldn't be a problem) you seem to be stringing the poor bloke along. Either you should make the effort to have an adult, mutually beneficial relationship or leave him so hd can find someone that will.
I think he's being a bit childish tbh. So you made a plan, late at night, when you'd both been drinking, which you later forgot about because you're busy, stressed and... human. How very dare you. And what did he do? He could have reminded you, but instead he sulked about it and has turned it into a test - something else you have to think about on top of all the other stuff you have going on in your life. Dear me.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he has other reasons (justified or irrational) for feeling insecure about the seriousness with which you're taking this relationship. I guess the only thing you can do is try to get to the bottom of that and reassure him accordingly. But no, YANBU. And I can't believe how many people think you are.
What would I do in your position? Firstly, I would admit that I had done something hurtful to my partner and stop trying to come up with excuses to make it not my fault. Then I would get on the phone to apologize to him and make plans for what we are going to do at his place next weekend or whenever you are seeing each other again. And then in future, I would think more about him and be aware of splitting time more equally.
It's him that feels uncomfortable with DC in the house (and awake), which is fine, he's entitled to feel that. It's not like we never do anything at mine, as my DC are often out at weekends, or having sleepovers. Also we're not at it every night (partly because we don't see each other every night) but also because we're both happy with about once a week, which is about what it works out at, whether at mine or his. So I'm really not ignoring his needs, or constantly fobbing him off.
As for time with my friends, I've seen this particular group less than 5 times in the last 12 months. I did see them in Dec (I've not seem them or any other friends since, I've been too tired) and as we were both there, I specifically checked with him that he was happy for me to spend one of 'our' days with my friends. It's exceptionally rare for me to do so, if I do see friends it's almost always on the weekends when he has his DC.
I must say I couldn't be bothered with a relationship like this. Being on a rota because somebody has too much going on in their life. Sorry if this does you a dis-service but honestly OP it does really sound a bit like pencilled in on a free slot. Blow that for a lark.
Cross post. I see things a bit clearer now. So apologise for being so harsh.
Erm....how often do you have tradesmen round needing to be let in? Round at Devil Towers it's usually about twice a year.
It sounds from here like you want a relationship entirely on your terms, and he just has to jump to your tune.
What would I do in your position? Have a very serious word with myself about my attitude to life, to this poor guy and to where he fits in. I would make time for him just because I loved him, and bugger the tradesmen and everything else. I'd make one hell of an effort to get organised, so that he knew he was an integral part of my life and not just a bit player when I could fit him in. I'd let him know, by actions as well as words, that he was important to me.
And I know I would, because that's how I expect myself to be, and am, round DP. (And it's mutual.)
I also think YABU, you need to make more of an effort to spend time at his place-it's clearly an issue as has been previously discussed & you stated you'd try harder, you haven't.
I can see why he's disappointed, you were getting down to business but stopped due to DC in the house
don't get the issue there but hey ho you basically put him on a promise for the following night then was so keen to follow up that you forgot
When he explained why he was unhappy, I immediately apologised. I said I was sorry I'd not remembered that conversation, sorry that we hadn't gone to his, and assured him in no way was it deliberate or calculated.
He said it wasn't the first time we'd had this conversation (about going to his more, etc) and I acknowledged that, again said sorry, and amongst other things suggested a rota - which of course went down like a lead balloon.
He clearly felt let down by me getting a bit amorous with him and then basically binning him off the next night - I said I could only apologise, but it wasn't intentional, and that he could have reminded me.
He then felt he needed to go home, so I let him go. I wasn't going to chase after him, or beg him or anything, because I really don't think that would help. And once the dust has settled in a couple of days, then I'll suggest a plan to stay over at his later this week.
If you can stay Sunday night then why not midweek. Makes no odds ....
And the not havibg sex thing is madness. You are an adult and they are older kids. It's a natural act.
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