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Aibu to ask DH

(101 Posts)
BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch Sun 24-Jan-16 09:27:17

That this be his last solo skiing trip.

Before children we went together but my disability has gotten a lot worse and I can no longer walk far let alone ski and currently just finding day to day living really difficult. By the time DH comes home from work I've had it.

He's going for a weeks skiing next week and I'm dreading it. DC 2 is 20 months, doesn't sleep and doesn't always eat. The amount of pain I'm in is huge as I'm not taking any effective meds to treat my illness after the last lot nearly killing me before Christmas.

On Fri I asked if this could be his last trip away until the dc are older and he said no.

As a previously capable and intelligent woman to admit that I'm not coping and to ask for help is a big thing. So his response has really upset me. He is usually brilliant with looking after me and the DC but I find his attitude to this really selfish. I'm not saying never go again, just for the next couple of years while the DC are small and totally exhausting. He goes away with work quite often (I know not the same) and he goes cycling and running so it's not as if I demand he's with us 24hrs a day.

Please be as gentle as you can in aibu.

WaitingForMe Sun 24-Jan-16 09:32:19

While I appreciate why you'd ask, my own DH had a long bout of ill health that very much derailed our relationship and a trip away was what kept me going.

I supported him, kept our home running and generally did everything I could. If he suggested I was selfish for needing a break, I'd probably end the marriage.

Be careful about alienating and taking for granted the person who supports you the most.

MrsLeighHalfpenny Sun 24-Jan-16 09:33:48

Could you get help while DH is away? Even if you need to pay for it?

ReggaeShark Sun 24-Jan-16 09:35:44

Do you have a parent, in-law or friend who can stay with you? Could he go for a shorter time until the children are older?

Leelu6 Sun 24-Jan-16 09:36:08

It's a difficult one, I can see both your points of view.

You're finding it increasingly difficult to cope and he probably thinks he deserves the break. How much does he do when he comes home from work? Does he take over dinner/DC/chores?

Are you entitled to help from council i.e. care?

Can you not go away as a family? Does it have to be skiing?

ProfGrammaticus Sun 24-Jan-16 09:36:41

Life is tough for everyone when DC are small and really tough if you throw disabilities into the mix. Do you have anyone (your mum?) who could come and stay?

theycallmemellojello Sun 24-Jan-16 09:38:58

I think asking that it be has last trip is U. But this - I'm not saying never go again, just for the next couple of years while the DC are small and totally exhausting - is not U. Or else, he goes but you also get paid help while he's away. It sounds very hard, good luck.

BrainWillingBodyNotSoMuch Sun 24-Jan-16 10:08:26

I would never say never go again. But just a couple of years until we can go as a family. I can happily drink hot chocolate and watch the kids in ski school.

I know he needs the break. He likes cycling and has done 150milers which take all day. I don't mind this at all, it's a stress reliever for him. I just wish I could do it. He says I can go off and spend time on my own but I don't want to. I'd worry about the children and money doesn't grow on trees.

Mum died two years ago and my dad already does loads to help and I feel bad asking for even more.

I get a care package already from the council but it doesn't cover overnight and they council don't have any more money. They're already trying to take it away.

In a couple of years the kids will be more self sufficient and needing less physical help and hopefully sleeping through. So I should be able to cope better.

Clutterbugsmum Sun 24-Jan-16 10:09:04

I suggest that when he gets back you book yourself a holiday away for a week and leave him to it.

If a week holiday alone is good enough for him then you get the same.

RubbleBubble00 Sun 24-Jan-16 10:15:07

I think it's simple - you can't cope with the kids alone then he can't go. yes it sucks but that's life, when you marry and have children its part of the package to deal with the stuff life throws at you.

Cel982 Sun 24-Jan-16 10:17:48

He's a parent too, with the same responsibilities as you. He doesn't get to abdicate those whenever he feels like it and just assume that you will cover for him. 'Time off' from family life needs to be negotiated, and needs to be fair.
I don't mean it's necessarily unreasonable for him to go, but it's very unreasonable for him to go when he knows you can't cope with the kids alone due to your disability. YANBU.

Zinni Sun 24-Jan-16 10:22:19

Sounds like he really needs this break or he wouldn't be so protective over it.

Caring for someone with a disability is exhausting and mentally draining too especially with a young family. He probably needs some time off-duty to recharge.

However there's no way he should expect you to manage without support. Can you not get paid help for the week, or have a friend or family member stay?

Zinni Sun 24-Jan-16 10:26:15

Also have you had an occupational therapy assessment? They can put in short term rehab packages (free of charge) and provide lots of equipment to make day-to-day living easier. Which things specifically do you struggle with?

MillionToOneChances Sun 24-Jan-16 10:27:00

It's obviously important to him, so I think you need a workaround. Pay a local teen babysitter to come in every day between 4pm and bedtime, and all day on the weekends? If you can't afford that without cutting back somewhere else, the ski trips might need to be cheaper or more spaced out to liberate some money.

Inertia Sun 24-Jan-16 10:29:46

I think it'd be selfish of him to insist on leaving you toward for young children alone even if you weren't struggling with a disability. Your children will be much easier to manage in 3 years time, it's no great hardship to miss a couple of holidays to parent your own children.

I think you probably do need to arrange paid professional help for the time he's away, and it needs to be considered as part of the cost of the holiday.

AlwaysHopeful1 Sun 24-Jan-16 10:29:48

I think you can compromise a bit op. Maybe get a babysitter for the majority of the day which relieves some pressure off you, then you do the important bits? I think it's just a few days and not worth the resentment.

cailindana Sun 24-Jan-16 10:33:29

I am really shocked that there are people defending him. From what you're saying you seem to cope really well in spite of your disability - you look after the home and kids and do your bit. Does he do much around the house?

I'm not disabled and I'm totally capable of looking after my kids but there is no way I'd be happy about my DH going off for a week while they're little without me, regardless of how stressed he was. Or if he did do that then I'd expect a week away by myself at some stage too.

cailindana Sun 24-Jan-16 10:34:17

Million - 'it's obviously important to him'???? More important than helping his wife who's clearly struggling??

QuiteLikely5 Sun 24-Jan-16 10:34:53

I can't believe that some posters think he should go!

Absolutely he should postpone his skiing trip for this year and next. Young children are hard enough to deal with never mind when you have an illness.

He gets plenty time to enjoy his social life from what you have said and has the luxury of going away with work.

You should try to get away yourself, even if only for a night to a luxury spa.

MiniCooperLover Sun 24-Jan-16 10:38:59

I'm sorry, but I do think he should go, but also pay for help for the OP.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 24-Jan-16 10:39:18

How long is he away for? If it's a week maybe suggest if he could have a long weekend skiing for the next year or two. If he does that for the next 2 years, DC2 will be 4 the year after that and off to ski school while you après ski.
Maybe even 2 long weekends skiing if he puts up a grumble. It might be better than 1 full week.

If it's a weekend then you need to broach it gently, very much I know you need a break, I'm just struggling. He might have an answer.

Bodicea Sun 24-Jan-16 10:46:23

Flipping heck. Two weeks!!!!!! My dh went away for 5 days once and a long weekend another ( when I was pregnant). And I found that tough. He found it tough too and missed our son. Said he wouldn't do more than 3 days again. No way on earth would he leave us for two weeks for something none work related. And I am not in ill health. He sounds incredibly selfish. And if my dh asked to do that ( which he wouldn't) I would put my foot down and say no way. He she shouldn't get to choose. Tell him no he can't leave you that long again. Don't ask him!!!! .if he really has too then it should be under a week.

Nanny0gg Sun 24-Jan-16 10:50:46

He can wait a couple of years!

He has responsibilities and you can't just decide that for a week they aren't there.

He still has outlets like his cycling, so he's not half as tied as the OP.

This should definitely be his last trip till you can all go.

whois Sun 24-Jan-16 10:54:09

Twk weeks away is redic! If the family can afford for him to go skiing, the family can afford to buy in professional childcare to help you whilst he is away. Can't believe he's not suggested that really.

But would you be able to manage with him away for a long weekend?

Anyway won't be too long until you can all go with he kids on ski school :-)

MiddleClassProblem Sun 24-Jan-16 10:56:29

I can't find the two week bit. Did I miss it?

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