Reuniting with old "friend"

(13 Posts)
FriedEggDay Sun 24-Jan-16 02:58:10

Someone I used to be friends with (Sarah) became quite difficult to spend time with, quite quick to blame me and be harsh to me. Culminated in her telling me some home truths hmm about myself which I found incredibly arrogant/hypocritical. Have considerably cooled things since.

Have now heard through mutual friends that Sarah "really wants to be friends again". I have seen her since, in a group, and she was very chatty and friendly. When she is on form she is great fun and was going through some hard times when she lashed out at me. Also in fairness to her I have annoying qualities and am by no means perfect!

Should I give things another go? (Sounds like a relationship blush) I don't have any intention of being as close as we once were... I have other friends and am happy to stick with them. But for the sake of group dynamics and good times I had with her, I'm wondering whether I should see her more?

Heirhelp Sun 24-Jan-16 03:17:13

You are joking about it being a relationship. What would you advise to somebody if it was a relationship?

A friendship is a type of relationship. I would suggest you are friendly with her in the group but don't take your friendship any further. Why would you choose to be friends with somebody who is nasty to you?

Sn0tnose Sun 24-Jan-16 03:50:47

When she was giving you these home truths, was she complaining about your actions in a certain situation, or your character traits? Because if it was your character she was moaning about, and you haven't significantly changed, then is the same thing likely to happen again?

I think I'd be friendly and polite when you see her, so that social occasions with mutual friends weren't awkward, but if she was criticising my personality traits, I'd be keeping her at arms length.

FriedEggDay Sun 24-Jan-16 03:58:17

Both sn0tnose. Don't want to go into too much detail but she was essentially accusing me of being an awful friend by hamming things up for dramatic effect. So she only ever saw things from her POV. For example if I was late twice out of ten times to see her she would accuse me of putting my time above hers but then ignore the occasions when she had been late that I would never dare to bring up. She focused on every less than perfect thing I had done to her whilst deliberately ignoring her own actions. But because what she was saying was true I apologised even if I felt I wasnt really to blame? She came across as very un-self aware.

FriedEggDay Sun 24-Jan-16 04:00:48

To be honest if anything it has made me walk on eggshells around her for fear of accidentally saying the wrong thing or offending her!

I am a very tolerant person (even if I say so myself...) and have never fallen out with a friend in the past. I do have a fair amount of good friends and did actually ask them if they thought she had a point and I was a bad friend etc. Was very upset. They said no

QuietWhenReading Sun 24-Jan-16 04:06:04

I'd be perfectly civil if we met in a group situation but I wouldn't be having any unnecessary personal communication with her.

If she was going through a bad time and feels sorry for her previous behaviour then she should contact you directly about that not send it out through the grapevine.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 24-Jan-16 04:52:49

Nope.

First off, you don't know that she really wants to be friends. Someone may have said something to her and she responded "Oh yes, I'd like it if Egg and I could be friends again" because it was 'the right thing to say' at the time, iyswim. If she wants to be friends, let her make the first direct move.

Secondly, I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone so self-centered.

FriedEggDay Sun 24-Jan-16 04:56:24

We have been in touch and she has invited me to do things a few times, which I have politely declined as I was genuinely busy. So she is certainly behaving as if she wants to reconnect. I am not sure of her motives though and how I should respond

AcrossthePond55 Sun 24-Jan-16 05:07:24

What does your gut tell you? In the interactions you've had with her, or she's had with others, as part of the group has anything she's said or done made you feel she's changed?

Apologies if I'm wrong, but are you the poster who posted about a similar situation where a 'friend' unloaded on her about her 'failings' and then said 'Oh I feel so much better now I've gotten that off my chest'?

FriedEggDay Sun 24-Jan-16 05:15:31

I am across smile

Well she is certainly very friendly now... I feel like perhaps she knows she has crossed the line and perhaps feels guilty or maybe she just misses me/the role I played in her life? I'm not sure

I did enjoy her company a lot the last time I met her but I'm not sure whether I enjoyed it so much that I would be prepared to overlook how she has behaved confused I don't need a friend so desperately that I am prepared to sweep everything under the carpet and I don't want to give her the message that I'm a walkover.

We have had some great times but equally I think she thought I'd akways be there and perhaps it came as a shock when I walked away and thought "enough's enough now!"

FriedEggDay Sun 24-Jan-16 11:24:48

Bump x

AcrossthePond55 Sun 24-Jan-16 13:50:00

Saw your bump when I woke up. Early morning here!

I don't know. I've had one friendship where we had a falling out and 'got back together', but it was a 'joint tiff' iyswim. We both got our noses out of joint then realized we were being childish.

In this case, in a way, I'd be afraid that what she's thinking is that you were miffed because she told you some 'home truths' hmm but that she has nothing to reproach herself for. And she wants to be friends again because now that you know the 'truth' about yourself and have gotten over your little 'snit' that you'll 'be a much better friend to her'. So things will rock along fine until you do something that she doesn't like then it'll kick off all over again. What do you think?

Honestly, I think that unless you were able to have a 'you really hurt me' discussion and she at least acknowledges that she hurt your feelings and that no one's perfect including her and that part of a real friendship is accepting people's little idiosyncrasies then I'd probably be extremely cautious about becoming close to her again.

Flamingoblue1 Sun 24-Jan-16 14:12:51

To be honest I wouldn't bother. I cut someone like this out about 4 years ago and have never looked back. I wouldn't be sucked back in as it's likely this behaviour will start again. Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

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