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AIBU? I just can't tell and it's eating me up

(53 Posts)
GratuitousSaxandViolins Thu 21-Jan-16 23:17:09

To cut a long story short, my Dad died 6 months ago, unexpectedly and having been admitted to hospital for a couple of days with acute shortness of breathe. Some time after the funeral the hospital got in touch to say they were investigating his death as it was unexpected and it was their policy to investigate. Another letter came just as we were coming to terms with his death saying that a few mistakes had been made basically. The last few months have been awful.

My mum has put all her efforts into following up this hospital letter and my Dad's hospital notes and she's set up a meeting with the team who was treating my Dad when he died.

My mum wants me to come to the meeting to support her and I initially agreed but now it's filling me with dread and upset and I don't want to go.

I think I don't want to go because I don't want my Dad's last hours being dragged up, I don't want to face the people who were treating him and who made mistakes. I don't want to hear him being talked about as a "case". I just can't handle it, I think it will send me right back to the time when we lost him and I can't go through that pain again.

BUT my mum wants my support and I love her so much. I can't stand seeing her in pain, my Dad was too young to die and they still had a big future together. How can I not support her through this. My brother has agreed to go to the meeting but my mum has asked me specifically because she said I will keep her sane and I'm good with all the medical stuff (I have a medical background). My stress levels are through the roof with the fact that I'm also moving house in a couple of weeks and my job is hectic beyond my control.

I just feel I'm going to burn out and I am at a loss to know what to do.
I don't want to worry my mum and I think she'll be upset if I don't go with her and I don't want to not support her when she needs me most.

I don't know what I'm asking in this AIBU - should I put my feelings to one side just for this meeting and help my mum? Sorry, not so short afterall.

pimplucius Thu 21-Jan-16 23:18:43

oh gosh I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm afraid I don't have the answer flowers

CocktailQueen Thu 21-Jan-16 23:20:07

Honestly? I think you should go, and support your mum. What could be more important? If you get info on your dad's death, then hopefully it will help.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf Thu 21-Jan-16 23:21:53

I am so very sorry for your loss. thanks

How is your relationship with your mum? Is it open enough for you to have this discussion with her? If it is, then share your concerns with her and tell her that you really want to support her in this but that you do not want to drag it all back up again.

liger Thu 21-Jan-16 23:26:22

It sounds like you need more support to me. Six months is no time at all since losing someone son important to you.
Can you talk to work and exain that you need some slack at this stressful time so you can support your Mum? Likewise at home, friends perhaps who could help with some of the pre move logistics? I'm sure lots of people offered to help you when they first learned of your grief - ask their help now. This is when you need them.

I think you should be there for your Mum, but you need all the help you can to make it happen without it pushing you to breaking point.

GratuitousSaxandViolins Thu 21-Jan-16 23:26:26

I'm seeing my mum this weekend so I will explain how I feel and just apologise for being so selfish. We are very close and I hope she'll understand. Maybe I'll feel a little stronger after the weekend, I just feel so rubbish about it.

GratuitousSaxandViolins Thu 21-Jan-16 23:30:00

liger - that makes alot of sense. My DH is amazing and has helped me through this as have my children. I think this meeting will push me to breaking point even if I wasn't so stressed in other areas of my life.

Morganly Thu 21-Jan-16 23:36:08

Your have lost your father and your mum has lost her husband. Finding out the details and whether any mistakes were made will not alter that. Your mum is pursuing this because she is in that very common bereavement situation where she wants to apportion blame so it is understandable that this has become a big issue for her. But finding out more information isn't really going to help her deal with it better, this is just a distraction.

You could try saying that to her but it probably won't make any difference. She needs to deal with it as she needs to deal with it.

So do you. Tell her it's too hard for you.

Birdsgottafly Thu 21-Jan-16 23:36:33

There were a lot of mistakes in my DH Diagnosis/Treatment.

I, could have sued, but the initial interview with a Solicitor and seeing how much it was effecting my eldest, made me realise that it wasn't worth it.

There were answers that she didn't want to know.

Have an honest conversation with your Mum. Hopefully she will be able to respect how you are feeling.

liger Thu 21-Jan-16 23:38:35

Its good that you know exactly what the anxiety is coming from. I completely sympathise that being in a room confronting the team involved with treating your Dad would be enormously difficult. I'm so sorry you and your Mum need go through this at all.
Is there any compromise at all, as i can tell how much you would like to support your Mum. Could you see your Mum shortly before and after the meeting perhaps? Just a thought.

Casmama Thu 21-Jan-16 23:41:43

Your mum can't know how you feel unless you tell her. What helps one person get some closure doesn't necessarily help someone else and I'm sure she'll understand this if you explain it to her.

Maybe advise your brother to take lots of notes so you can help with anything they didn't understand afterwards and in case you feel that you would like to know more in the future.

GratuitousSaxandViolins Thu 21-Jan-16 23:47:40

Thankyou all. I am going to talk to my mum this weekend.

I could always arrange to see her just after the meeting and discuss it with her, good idea. I can do that, it's the actual being in the meeting that I can't handle.

I do get why my mum is pursuing this, she needs to do it and she feels it's justice for Dad. It's her coping mechanism and she says she just wants Dad's death to not go un-noticed by the doctors.

Potatoface2 Thu 21-Jan-16 23:54:29

maybe your mum wants you there because you have a medical background and will understand some of the terminology....i think its a good thing to have someone with a bit of knowledge..if you feel that you cant cope with this (its difficult hearing about a loved ones death when you are medical trained) do you know anyone else that can be there to help understand it all...i really feel for you as have been in this position myself

GratuitousSaxandViolins Fri 22-Jan-16 00:01:31

Yes I understand the terminology and I'll know when they're not being completely straight which will be hard.

Thanks for all your posts, it helps to talk about it.

Valentine2 Fri 22-Jan-16 00:03:57

This must feel terrible. it might sound callous to some may be but if you could just grind your teeth and be there with your mom for the meeting , it might make the whole thing easier for BOTH of you. You are not able to bring your dad back now (what a terrible thing to know that he could have been saved after all!) but you can be there for your mom no matter what. So just go. You won't feel any regrets afterwards I am sure. Hugs xxx

Valentine2 Fri 22-Jan-16 00:06:30

And also, if you go and help her take the investigation further then there is always the chance that someone else could be saved. It's every bit worth the effort just to think about it. Hope you could do it

Ginkypig Fri 22-Jan-16 00:11:51

I think it will be awful but you may feel empowered after, if he had survived you would probably have fought like a wildcat for justice but now he's gone it feels too big and too sore and too scary (am I right)

You'll know that you helped your mum and righted a wrong for your father like a last "thing" you can do for him and the woman he loved.

You might regret not going.

I say all that but only you know what you can cope with so you need to make the best choice for you.

It my dads 10th anniversary of his death (I'm really really dreading it) in around 2 weeks so I'm talking as a fellow girl who's in the lost parents club, I'm sorry you had to join it too!

Whatever you decide there will be people here if you need them, I'm very sorry your hurting.

Ginkypig Fri 22-Jan-16 00:17:59

I also want to add

Iv been the victim of a serious crime where I had to be involved in a court setting, it's a different situation I know but I think it probably feels the same. I can tell you that having been through that it gives you some power back even if it makes you feel no better it confirms that your strength is still with you even when you feel at your weakest.

colleysmill Fri 22-Jan-16 08:26:08

I went to a similar meeting with my mum after her dad (my grandfather who I was very close to) died.

My situation was different as I was happy to go but it did really give closure to what had been a very difficult time.

If you feel you can't go there are other ways to support your mum - help her make a list of any questions you want answered, any points you as a family want to make and any actions you think should happen after.

We didn't pursue anything further as we felt everything had been answered and the outcome were satisfactory to us. Good luck op whatever you decide

colleysmill Fri 22-Jan-16 08:29:06

I should add we also knew that even if things hadn't had gone wrong the outcome was highly likely to have been the same but it was more about making sure procedures leading up to that point were reviewed and better followed

scarednoob Fri 22-Jan-16 08:32:53

You are not unreasonable, you are heartbroken. So sorry you lost your lovely dad.

I think you will feel better for going, even if it is monstrous at the time. Your mum needs you, and you will want to be together. But if you decide you simply can't face it, don't be hard on yourself.


GratuitousSaxandViolins Sat 23-Jan-16 23:13:56

I did have a long chat with mum today. It was very emotional but I explained how I felt and she was great. She said she understood - she knows that I will support her before this meeting, after it and forever more but I just can't face the people who were with my Dad leading up to his death. I can't listen to them explain their actions. My brother is going to the meeting and I am so relieved. My mum means the world to me but I honestly think this would have sent me over the edge.

Casmama Sat 23-Jan-16 23:17:56

I'm really glad you had the chat and that your mum understands and is ok with you not going. I hope it brings your mum some closure flowers

ChampaleSocialist Sat 23-Jan-16 23:22:01

I think you and your Mum need at least one other person to support you both.
I know she lost her husband but you lost your Dad. You both need and deserve support. I cant imagine how awful this is for you.
Please try CAB and maybe they know a support service that can help. flowers

Cleensheetsandbedding Sat 23-Jan-16 23:31:53

It's not really about you though is it? It's about the man that raised you and what he went through. who probally would be first in the room if it was you. It's about supporting the woman that raised you who has asked for your support because she needs it.

I think your being selfish IMO

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