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Cyberbullying and whose responsibility it is to tell. HELP!

(22 Posts)
BlueCrayon Thu 21-Jan-16 10:15:05

I'm in a real dilemma. There have been two cyber bullying incidents at my 14 yo dd's school in the last 2 weeks. dd has told me about them but soon after she totally lost it because i took screen shots as evidence. she is literally petrified of people finding out that her parents are the whistleblowers (if we tell the school).

as she was absolutely hysterical about it the first time, i reluctantly agreed not to contact the school for at least 24 hours. the reason i did this was that when she tried to show me the thread in question, the whole account had been deleted, leading us to think that some action had already been taken. dd confirmed this the following day as it was clear that the school were already informed.

now, last night there was a second incident. someone started a 'hate' page on social media whereby people send in pics of people they hate and obscene/ derogatory captions can be added by the account holder (who is anon).

it was really sickening to read and i have plenty of screen shots.

the trouble is, dd kept begging me leave it to someone else to tell (i.e. someone who was actually targeted). she was so upset and frightened that she will be next. dh also seemed to think we should leave it to those actually involved. now, to be clear, i absolutely will act on this info. probably today, but definitely tomorrow if i need to (i.e. if the school haven't yet been informed).

i should add that dd is about to start counselling for her anxiety, which might explain her reaction (and mine towards her).

i just feel so confused. i am very clear that i have a duty, morally, to help safe guard everyone's children. but i feel so compromised, dd is literally begging and screaming and terrified. she says she'll never tell me anything ever again if i tell the school. she's just so afraid of the backlash, even though she too is appalled and wants those responsible to face the consequences.

how do i deal with this? aibu to delay telling the school in the hope that someone else beats me to it?

how do i deal with this? i have feeling this is going to cop up again so i need a strategy.

BlueCrayon Thu 21-Jan-16 10:16:22

'crop up'

ChampaleSocialist Thu 21-Jan-16 10:18:18

Your DD is asking you for help in dealing with it but in such a way that you dont reveal it was her that told you.
I dont think she is being unreasnable so stop taking screen shots from her phone.

Just find the URL and inform the school or police verbally. They can find these accounts themselves.

thetemptationofchocolate Thu 21-Jan-16 10:18:45

Could you ask a friend to inform the school? Then you can honestly say to your daughter that it wasn't you who got in touch.
If it's on the 'net anyone can see it anyway, so it's feasible that a complete stranger will pick up on it and tell the school anyway.

crumblybiscuits Thu 21-Jan-16 10:19:33

YABVU to leave the targeted ones to suffer. Stand up for those kids and set a good example for your daughter to speak up for what is right. If the school deals with it effectively then there won't be an issue with your DD being targeted.

Sunnybitch Thu 21-Jan-16 10:21:07

I think the most important thing is that you keep her trust as you obviously want her to feel she can confide in you, so why not put her mind at rest and tell her you will write an anonymous letter to the school with the link to website, that way the school knows and technically it wasn't you that said anything.

WorraLiberty Thu 21-Jan-16 10:22:41

My DS(16) reported 2 'hate pages' to the school only last week.

He just gave his HOY the heads up, he took the details, thanked him and that was that.

No-one knows it was him who reported, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter.

BarbarianMum Thu 21-Jan-16 10:22:48

I'd inform the school and let them deal with it. No reason to think anyone will find out 'who told' but you could specifically ask not to be identified if you wanted to. Anxiety is difficult but sometimes seeing that one's 'catestrophic thinking' (mum tells the school, everyone finds out, everyone will hate me) doesn't come true is helpful. I'd also ask her why she's telling you if she doesn't want you to do anything. What does she think should happen instead?

Gatehouse77 Thu 21-Jan-16 10:22:56

I would contact the school and explain the reaction of your daughter and request your information is treated as anonymous. Don't mention any names unless specifically asked and then get them to confirm that names will be kept out of any communications with those responsible.

At 14 it's difficult to understand that some things can't be ignored for the 'greater good'. Their world is a micro world that is very subjective. As your daughter gets older she'll appreciate that you did the right thing, by her and any other victims.

BlueCrayon Thu 21-Jan-16 10:25:02

crumbly, thats exactly what i think. i don't want anyone to suffer.

champale, the screen shots were on my phone, as i have her account linked to mine so i can monitor.

i took the shots as people were posting and deleting and i didn't know how important it was to get evidence.

the whole thing was deleted late last night, so if i tell the school, will they realise how bad it was?

choc, good idea. will think on that.

OldBeanbagz Thu 21-Jan-16 10:25:48

I would (and have) emailed HOY at your DD's school. If your DD wasn't involved then there would be no reason for her classmate to think she was the whistleblower.

If your DD is suffering anxiety i would not even tell her i'd informed the school. Just report it whilst she's not home and don't discuss it with her. Leave the school/police to sort it out.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 21-Jan-16 10:28:01

Report it to the safeguarding officer at the school. If you want to report anonymously use some photo editing software to blur out parts if the screenshot that identify it being DDs phone. I'm sure the school would understand and respect DDs concern, and not drop her in it though.

ChampaleSocialist Thu 21-Jan-16 10:28:17

I dont think I made myself clear.
Yes you want to protect the other children but your daughter could go to a teacher with that evidence.

But she is too scared to.

You are scaring her taking the screenshots. So yes report it but find a different way. It frightens her.

BlueCrayon Thu 21-Jan-16 10:28:54

thanks all and sorry for x posts.

oldbean. the trouble is, dd told me and then immediately got in a stating asking me if i was king to tell the school. i didn't bring the subject up. we have a scenario whereby she tells me something, we have a dialogue about how unacceptable it is, then she decides I'm going to ell and tries to force me to promise not to. thats the pattern.

BlueCrayon Thu 21-Jan-16 10:30:55

champale. i will be more subtle about the screen shot thing if it happens again.

I've told dd if i ever told the school it would be anon and verbal but she's still terrified.

BlueCrayon Thu 21-Jan-16 10:34:21

so...are the screenshots not important then? its on instagram but has been deleted. how will the school know the extent of it? can instgram show them whats been deleted?

OldBeanbagz Thu 21-Jan-16 10:38:14

Sorry i should just add that it's still worth reporting even though it's now been deleted.

My DD was the victim of an cyberbullying on Snapchat but luckily one of her friends on the group had a screenshot of what was said. This along with verbal reports by her and another friend led to the bully being disciplined.

bruffin Thu 21-Jan-16 10:52:06

I reported something like this. DD was upset about something nasty said about her friend on facebook. I copied it and sent to school. They never got dd involved at all and all the school told the girl was that a parent had seen it. They took it very seriously, parents bought into school and mobile phone banned etc.

BarbarianMum Thu 21-Jan-16 10:54:44

Screenshots are important.

BlueCrayon Thu 21-Jan-16 11:40:02

thanks all.

I'm following your advice chocolate and have asked for someone to do this on my behalf.

BeardedBear Thu 21-Jan-16 11:53:16

Could you explain to your DD that hit has to be reported. Maybe set up an anonymous email account with your daughter and write a message with her. You are a parent of a child at the school, who does not want her name linked because she is scared of reprisals, but who believes that this needs to be reported. Edit her name/info out of any screen shots and send it together.

MidniteScribbler Thu 21-Jan-16 21:26:52

I think this is one of those situations where I would just tell your daughter what she wants to hear, then go ahead and do it anyway, asking the school that your report be anonymous due to her anxiety.

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