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More a WWYD. friend and her partner.

(33 Posts)
AchyMcAcherson Wed 20-Jan-16 17:57:42

Just after a bit of advice really. Or wondering what you'd do in this situation?
An ex workmate of mine is with a man who quite frankly is a scumbag. She said so herself during their many breakups.
I don't see her anymore but we keep in touch via FB, she lives her entire life on FB, as some people do.
Anyway, she's 30, when I met her she was married with 3 kids under six, she wasn't getting on well with her husband. I think he cheated on her & certainly didn't treat her particularly well, used to call her fat & useless, didn't do much if any childcare, was always vanishing etc.
So eventually her husband left & she met a new man on POF, she fell head over heels for him & he'd moved in within weeks.
But they kept rowing, she was sure he was cheating, probably with hIs ex who he has a toddler with, he kept packing up & leaving and then coming back. Each time he left she vowed she'd not have him back and each time she did. She used to moan to me about him almost constantly.
Then she got pregnant, he left several times during her pregnancy, she also left our workplace during her maternity leave & moved in with her mum 100 miles away.
She's now had the baby, it's about 7m old, the BF has left & come back several more times. Each time he leaves she plasters it all over FB what a lying scumbag he is, how he takes drugs, drinks, cheats etc.
Then he comes back & she deletes all the posts.
A few weeks ago she posted a pic of her with blood all over her face. She said he'd hit her & that she was posting the pic so that f she was ever weak enough to take him back that people would remind her of this moment.
Of course, he's now back & she's posting the usual stuff about how amazing he is and how brilliant their relationship is, all those terrible 'if a couple is meant to be, they'll overcome all obstacles' quotes superimposed over a grainy pic of a happy couple.
So, WWYD? So far I've kept my mouth shut. But every time I see the posts I'm reminded about that (now deleted) post where she said to remind her about it if she took him back.
But I feel like it won't be welcomed. I will probably just get a load of abuse
I feel sorry for her kids, there's 4 now as well as his child, she's admitted he's a terrible dad, gets angry if kids cry or make a mess & shouts & screams at them. He's already shown he'll hit a woman, I'm not sure he wouldn't hit a child.
So, would you say anything to her?

Oysterbabe Wed 20-Jan-16 18:01:44

I'd stay out of it.

NoodleNuts Wed 20-Jan-16 18:05:18

I would keep well out of it and probably even delete her from Facebook so I didn't have to keep seeing someone else's drama all the time.

AchyMcAcherson Wed 20-Jan-16 18:05:30

I have done so far. And I'm leaning towards staying that way, but inevitably, soon, there will be another 'look what he's done now, the cheating scumbag' post and then it gets increasingly hard to stay quiet.
However I just know she won't thank me.
I'm scared that one day he'll go further and cause her proper harm.

BillSykesDog Wed 20-Jan-16 18:12:34

I second stay out of it.

stairbears Wed 20-Jan-16 18:13:51

It's not your responsibility, hard though it is. If you're not in touch much anyway though I guess you've nothing to lose by explaining first that you can't stand seeing her make the same mistakes anymore.

CaptainCrunch Wed 20-Jan-16 18:19:15

She won't change. She's a selfish idiot putting this arsehole before her children. I've had the misfortune of dealing with these types of relationship dynamics when I worked in social work, they never change, they don't want to.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 20-Jan-16 18:20:41

I would stay out of it, and even delete her.

Stampynono Wed 20-Jan-16 18:22:20

I would call social services if there is domestic violence occurring in a house with children.

ColdTeaAgain Wed 20-Jan-16 18:31:10

The most you can probably do is report them on the grounds of a child protection concern. If he is violent, taking drugs etc I would be wondering are the children safe.

And yes, sadly it is highly likely he will cause her serious harm one day if she stays with him.

bloodyteenagers Wed 20-Jan-16 18:33:34

I would contact social services. She is being abused which is a safe guarding issue.
He is absuive to the children - screaming and shouting about usual kid stuff.

OohMavis Wed 20-Jan-16 18:43:14

If you're concerned, contact social services. They need to be made aware if she's repeatedly welcoming an abusive, violent man into her children's home.

Then step away.

Katenka Wed 20-Jan-16 18:43:25

You should contact social services.

I am surprised no one else has after all that.

Whatever is going on is not healthy for those kids

SevenOfNineTrue Wed 20-Jan-16 18:47:48

Stay out of it.

DeAtHnOtE Wed 20-Jan-16 18:50:48

You cannot help people unless they see the issue and want to be helped.

Woman local to me left a bad relationship at Christmas, her DD is having to have counselling as a result of how bad it got and what she witnessed. She's got a new man already, and she bloody well deserves some happiness, but he's already in with her kids and she cannot see how this is a bad thing, how she's vulnerable and what effect that could have on her children.

It's a sad, terrifying cycle. All you can do is be there for her when she sees it and report any child protection concerns.

pluck Wed 20-Jan-16 18:51:30

It sounds as though you're going to lose her no matter what, so you could try to make something out of the loss and report domestic violence around the children - why not? Have you kept screenshots of the FB posts?

LittleBeautyBelle Wed 20-Jan-16 18:58:24

It won't do any good to say anything to her. Inexplicably she gets a weird excitement or drama or something from this abusive relationship. She is his willing victim and she fully participates in his world including the FB posts denouncing him then welcoming him back. She has no idea how stupid she and her scumbag dp look to everybody else.

Leave them to it. They deserve each other. If you truly want to help, report these two idiots to social services. Delete her totally from your FB.

ENormaSnob Wed 20-Jan-16 19:03:11

Report to ss.

AppleSetsSail Wed 20-Jan-16 19:07:49

Why are you friends with someone like this?

scarlets Wed 20-Jan-16 19:11:40

Those poor children.

ricketytickety Wed 20-Jan-16 19:27:38

I'd calll the nspcc

redgoat Wed 20-Jan-16 21:52:40

I would call social services and then step away.

If you care about her at all then I wouldn't delete her from FB as she may really need her friends at some point. I'd "unfollow" though so your newsfeed isn't full of her but you could check on her every now and again if you want to.

totalrecall1 Wed 20-Jan-16 22:00:47

Delete her

dangerrabbit Wed 20-Jan-16 22:07:14

Call social services then delete

Thisismyfirsttime Wed 20-Jan-16 22:20:39

If she was a friend you saw in RL I'd say go for lunch/ a drink/ a walk with her alone if possible and remind her of it face to face and tell her you're worried about her and her children.
If you only communicate via FB I'd leave it alone, report to SS if you can but there isn't much else you can do without physically supporting her imo.

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