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To be struggling with choices I've made that would be at odds with deceased parents wishes?

(24 Posts)
diagramsoftrees Wed 20-Jan-16 17:40:36

My parents, like many parents I am sure, had a tendency to be a bit much at times. It came from a good place but they tried to control everything.

Anyway, I have made some big decisions of late and I have the niggling feeling that they would be horrified if they knew what my life looked like.

AIBU to be feeling anxious about this, even though they are dead

Osolea Wed 20-Jan-16 17:51:57

If you feel anxious then there's no telling you whether YABU or not, it's just the way you feel which can be very difficult to control.

What matters is whether you like what your life looks like, and that would be true whether your parents were alive or dead. Either way, you don't owe them the life they thought you should have.

I don't have the life my (deceased) dad would have wanted for me, but it's still a good life. Try and put it in perspective, and remember that ultimately what all parents want is for their dc to be happy. The things they wanted for you are probably only things they wanted because they thought it would make you happy, but they could well have been wrong about that.

Annarose2014 Wed 20-Jan-16 17:56:46

I get it. My lovely parents were very......involved.

I have come to the conclusion that I was a great daughter when they were alive, and I did everything for them, and now that they are dead my obligation to them has effectively ended.

Ghosts don't get a vote!

Birdsgottafly Wed 20-Jan-16 17:56:50

""My parents, like many parents I am sure, had a tendency to be a bit much at times. It came from a good place but they tried to control everything.""

Most Parents aren't like that and shouldn't want to control what their Adult children are doing.

It sounds as though you've grown up with them being over controlling.

What's happening is that your learning to make your own decisions without being criticised/interfered with and its all a bit new.

Your doubting yourself because you've been taught to.

Nobody but you should dictate your life choices.

scatteroflight Wed 20-Jan-16 17:58:28

Well what are these life choices you've made? And what would have been your parents reasons for objecting?

Nanny0gg Wed 20-Jan-16 18:02:06

Are you happy with your decisions?

If so, you're fine!

diagramsoftrees Wed 20-Jan-16 18:02:41

Just in terms of letting career take a back seat for a couple of years.

Meht Wed 20-Jan-16 18:04:48

If thats what you want to do, then you must do it - no regrets wink

Heatherplant Wed 20-Jan-16 18:06:49

Both of mine were controlling and they would have a real issue with the way I am today but I stopped letting them have that hold on me from beyond the grave. I'm really happy now living my life rather than their version of my life. If you want a career break then you go for it! Best of luck.

spanky2 Wed 20-Jan-16 18:10:53

I base all my parenting decisions on the opposite to what my parents would do!
You are an adult, they are your children. Do you feel okay with your choices in your heart? It's not up to your parents it's up to you.

GreatFuckability Wed 20-Jan-16 18:12:18

Try and look at it rationally. You're putting your career on the back burner, you aren't mainlining crack or murdering people. Your parents opinion was their opinion, but you are an adult and you get to decide for you.

nameschangerer Wed 20-Jan-16 18:14:41

Would you have made those same decisions if they were still alive?

diagramsoftrees Wed 20-Jan-16 18:18:53

Probably not or wouldn't have told them anyway

PedantPending Wed 20-Jan-16 18:27:32

My parents are still alive, in their mid 80s. I am the eldest of 3 and I am fairly sure that I don't have the life they might have wanted for me.
However, they do not interfere or comment and, quite frankly, it is none of their business.
You are an adult and able to make your own decisions, which are what is right for you at the time, not any perceived "disapproval" from anyone else.

nameschangerer Wed 20-Jan-16 18:28:40

I think you should live with the decisions you make. Good or bad. You make them for a reason. Stop beating yourself up x

Mumwithdilemmas Wed 20-Jan-16 18:32:58

diagramsoftrees sorry you feel this way. Enjoy your career break, I assume you have DC, enjoy them. They grow up too quickly. Perhaps you'll discover something you'll turn into a career. I became a SAHM when our daughter was born & with 2 babies felt really lost but started a bridal flower & stationery business which I never thought I'd do, I'm also writing a series of small children's books. Go & enjoy yoyrsrlf . xx

LikeASoulWithoutAMind Wed 20-Jan-16 18:36:07

How do you feel about your decisions diagram ? I know you feel anxious that your parents wouldn't approve, but I mean how do you feel about the decision for yourself?

You are an adult now and as long as what you are doing is legal (and morally OK I suppose) then you can do what you like. You don't have to conform to your parents' agenda. You are in control.

I gave up my old career when I had kids and I suspect my mum (ardent feminist) is a bit disappointed in me. She's never said a word though and tbh, I don't care. It wasn't the right thing for me any more (even before I had the dcs it wasn't right, it was damaging my health) and I was so glad to get out.

diagramsoftrees Wed 20-Jan-16 18:37:14

I feel I am struggling with grief, with lack of support, with anxiety and with feeling torn.

That's right now: tomorrow I might be fine!

gerbo Wed 20-Jan-16 18:37:44

Take the career break.

My parents are great but I think they were sometimes over involved in my choices etc. as a child and young adult. I have, as a mum and wife now, made choices which would def not live up to very high expectations originally held for me. My job is def far less qualified than anything they would've ever imagined for me BUT I love it as it works for my happy family life and I feel privileged to have it, as it means time with my kids and husband instead of working/climbing career ladders....which is right for me and us.

Each to their own, but it sounds like you know what's best for you and yours, so go for it. Don't look back or worry. Life's too short. When my folks enquire about high achieving old friends of mine I swiftly change the subject or let the subtext to the conversation wash over me.

Good luck with your decision.

gerbo Wed 20-Jan-16 18:39:10

Ps I'm sorry for your grief flowers

NewLife4Me Wed 20-Jan-16 18:46:33

My parents weren't controlling, but completely different from me, we shared nothing in common really, we weren't even blood related.
However, I think we all have the disposition to want to make our parents happy, for them to be pleased or proud of our decisions and choices in life.
I think it's natural to still seek that approval even though they aren't here anymore.
I quite often ask if they would have approved of x or y, so if YABU then I am too thanks for you. Just make sure you are true to yourself when deciding your future decisions and choices, I'm sure that's all anyone could ask of you.

DinosaursRoar Wed 20-Jan-16 18:54:08

Try another way, look back at your parents' lives, where they lived, what they did, is there anything you think they got wrong or did they ever make a mistake? Unless you can look at the lives they had and think that they were perfect in every way possible, then you can't assume that even if you had picked the choices they would prefer for you, that those would be the choices that lead to the best possible outcomes for you and your DCs.

Your parents might well have not approved, but that doesn't mean they would be right. You can miss them and honour their memories without fucking up your life/making yourself miserable in order to keep a ghost happy. smile

DrSausagedog Wed 20-Jan-16 19:05:40

Sorry to hear that you are grieving and having a hard time of it.

Even if parents have expectations of us, each of us has to live our lives in the way that is right for us. We have to be true to ourselves, even if that sometimes is at odds with what other people think we should be doing.

At the end of the day, as long as you mostly try to be a law abiding, decent person, that's all a parent has a right to hope for of their offering.

flowers it's natural to be pensive when you lose a parent, I've been there too.

quietbatperson Wed 20-Jan-16 20:39:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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