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To ask your advice over what to do with contact...

(53 Posts)
Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 09:56:17

As some are aware my ex sexually assaulted me with our son in the next room.
I reported this to the police. Children services contacted me saying no further action would be taken, but it is my responsibility to ensure that my son is safe during contact with dad.

Dad was quite happy to do this when our son was in the next room.
I dont know how i can be certain that this is not going to happen again, with someone else.
Right now, i dont believe dad is in a relationship or even seeing anyone. I also dont believe right now that dad would invite someone over when our son was there.
At the same time though, i dont know for a fact.
How can i ensure my sons safety when he is at dads, when i am not there?

I dont know if in thinking far too much into this or not. It feels like if anything went wrong at dads, i will be at fault for failing to safeguard.

So what can i do? Am i just over thinking it?

Birdsgottafly Wed 20-Jan-16 09:59:29

He must have given in his 'opinion' on this, for no further action to be taken.

What's his reaction, now, to it all?

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 10:01:42

As far as i was aware he hasnt been informed of any of it yet! I never for one second thought that CS may have contacted him.

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 10:09:11

I have just made a few phone calls to find this out. Children services did not contact dad and have just taken information from the police

ecuse Wed 20-Jan-16 10:30:36

That sounds really odd that CS could hold you responsible in that way. Are you sure they don't just mean you have the duty to keep a watchful eye and inform them of any specific concerns (since they seem to have concluded there's no general underlying risk)? If they literally mean "if anything whatsoever happens you're responsible" then I would turn it round on them and say that given what he's already done you're not comfortable vouching for the safety of your son with him.

DizzyNorthernBird Wed 20-Jan-16 10:30:51

You can't be at fault for anything that happens whilst he is staying at his dad's. Dad would be at fault as he is in charge of your sons care at that point. You've reported to the police and ss so your job is done.

From what you've said, it sounds like your concern is about another incident happening with your child in the house, not violence or sexual abuse on your son?

The only way you could fully safeguard would be to get a court order ensuring that any contact was with another person present. But you'd need very strong grounds to get this, from what it sounds like I'm not sure you have this, as your son would be third party to the risk if that makes sense?

RubbleBubble00 Wed 20-Jan-16 10:34:22

Contact in public places? Soft play, park ect until you can work out something more permanent

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 10:49:43

That is what has got me all wound up about it. Feeling like i would be at fault if something happened when he was in dads care. Maybe i am just over thinking it and taking it far more literally than she meant, or something.
I even said "so since it is concerning that dad found it acceptable to do this while our son could have walked in at any given moment, and i cannot be certain this would not happen again. Does this mean something should be put in place in regards to contact?"
Her response was "i cannot advise you on that. If you are however uncomfortable for contact to continue, then you are within your rights to stop it after what has happened"

This is after telling me its my responsibility.
Its like im expected to do the right thing, but completely unsure what the right thing to do is and nobody will help me see it.

I also dont believe there is enough for it to be supervised contact, and i certainly dont want a court battle.

abbsismyhero Wed 20-Jan-16 10:53:01

what action is the police taking?

cs is right you can stop access you have reason to but he can take you to court to regain it and unless you have a conviction etc you could just be seen as obstructive

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 10:53:57

Im not concerned that anything would happen directly to our son. My concern is that dad did not seem to care that our son most definitely would have been hearing me telling him not to etc. He also could have walked in at any given moment, or even peeked(he likes peeking) - dad is aware of this, as i am and he still didnt care.

My concern is this happening again to someone else and i wont be there - dad clearly doesnt give a flying, what if the other person also doesnt...or dad also doesnt care what the other person says, and does things anyway and my son does walk in this time.

I hope that makes sense, it felt jumbled

Vaginaaa Wed 20-Jan-16 10:54:03

I'd be concerned that it's some sort of wording that really means "you shouldn't let him go there anymore, if you do, you're not keeping him safe". The right thing might be stopping unsupervised contact and going through a court battle even though you don't want to.

stairbears Wed 20-Jan-16 10:54:35

How old is your son? Would he understand and report any inappropriate behaviour to you? Could you tell him in an age-appropriate way, what is and is not acceptable?

ChampaleSocialist Wed 20-Jan-16 10:55:49

If it is your responsibility to ensure your son is safe when he is staying at his Dads,
...then the only way you can do that is to stop him going there?!?

Unless you are supposed to also go and stand and watch, or something?

Do you have that in writing? Get it in writing and take it further up the ladder as its gobbledygook.
Tell them you want more specific instructions from them. flowers

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 10:56:05

The police are going to interview him

stairbears Wed 20-Jan-16 10:57:41

Though if it were me I'd try for meet ups in a contact centre only...

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 10:59:41

vaginaaa that is what im worried about.
I dont know what to do. My son is 7 and contact has been the same since he was born, pretty much.
I am going to speak to options about this, as it is just gobbledygook. I am pleased others are struggling to understand the correct stance i should take because i thought it was just me!

whatdoIget Wed 20-Jan-16 11:00:04

I would stop contact if I was you. If he can attack you while his son is there, or even while he's not there, he's not the kind of person your son should have near him or influencing him. He doesn't deserve to see his son ever again imo.

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 11:06:23

I see your point whatdoiget only if i did that and it went to court the chances of contact being started again are very high. So it would have been pointless and possibly as a pp suggested, classed as obstructive

whatdoIget Wed 20-Jan-16 11:13:50

Sorry that was stupid of me. I hope you manage to sort this out and get some justice. Would your ex definitely go to court for contact?

Birdsgottafly Wed 20-Jan-16 11:15:45

""The police are going to interview him""

I was an CP SW and it sounds to me that quite rightly, because it's only at investigation level, they can't tell you to stop contact.

I think that the SW should be advising that, personally, because it all hinges on your ex interpretation of what happened and why he thinks this is appropriate.

The "your responsibility" is a bit of a cop out, however, what is really meant is "if you don't think you can keep him safe (which you can't), then you are within your rights to suspend contact.

Contact Centers aren't good for children, they're the lesser of two evils, but if possible should be avoided.

I'd suspend contact, then if the only choice, go for 'public' days out.

You can get this followed up depending on the Police's findings.

Birdsgottafly Wed 20-Jan-16 11:18:35

You wouldn't be seen as 'obstructive', if you stopped contact, that's what the SW is trying to say, in code (not helpful I know).

You've got real concerns and was told by a professional that you need to be able to keep him safe. The only way you can do that, is to suspend contact.

If this goes back to court, CC, will question him about this incident.

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 13:50:09

The worrying thing about suspending contact is that the police told me to act normal until they have spoken to him. Which will be monday. Contact takes place from friday night til sunday tea time.
My son doesnt want to go on friday, so i can stop that one easily.
For days out - i believe he would just not bring him home until the sunday.

Strangeoccurence Wed 20-Jan-16 13:51:45

whatdoiget it wasnt stupid of you, no need to apologize! Yes dad would more than likely go to court.
I also struggle to imagine my ds without his dad in his life, because he does enjoy his time with him

Dragonsdaughter Wed 20-Jan-16 15:07:34

Honestly - get it in writting from SS and keep contact to a public place

Birdsgottafly Wed 20-Jan-16 16:32:48

""The worrying thing about suspending contact is that the police told me to act normal until they have spoken to him. ""

If they meant in regards to contact, then you've been badly advised and if your 100% happy to be in your exs company in private, then you've won him his case.

It's not unknown for the Police to give less than ideal advice when it comes to Sex/Child/DV cases.

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