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AIBU with regards to a 'friend'

(75 Posts)
glueandstick Tue 19-Jan-16 10:01:41

I'll start by saying I'm very pregnant, tired, aching and fed up so it may well be clouding my view.

I have a 'friend' I have known for a good decade. She's always been a bit.... Alternative and heavily into religion. I'm the complete opposite of this but each to their own.

Since moving closer to her (not deliberately) we've had many more interactions than previously so perhaps I'm just beginning to notice things.

Firstly she keeps inviting me to church groups that will be super fun and I would love (I wouldn't. I don't do church) so I make polite noises, say thank you for thinking of me but it isn't my thing. This keeps happening. I don't want to snap and tell her what I really think.

She treats the church as an excuse to be a knob to people- if it is in the cause of the church she'll walk over everyone but thinks it's ok because it's for Jesus' sake.

Before Christmas I had a message asking if I wanted to bake and donate a huge amount of cake for a church event that I really should come to! Yet again I declined. She laid it on thick that she has hurt her leg recently but didn't seem bothered that I couldn't physically walk upstairs because of hip pain thanks to being pregnant. I also said that I was trying to cut down on what I was doing as have a habit of over doing everything and wasn't on top form and pretty shattered.

Then she offered to take some old stock from a previous business and sell it at the event (this was for refugees or something. It wasn't something I would have supported as I would have chosen a different route that didn't have such high outgoings before it reaching the charity but that's a different story. I'm not heartless and will help but do like to research first). I wasn't able to go to the event and made it clear that I couldn't just donate it all as it was several hundred pounds worth of stuff and was going to eBay it. She agreed and said she would take it. Then I realise she ignored the bit about it being all for free (she had organised the event) and I got the whole 'but it's supporting the church's good work for others less fortunate' to which I had to reiterate that I was on maternity leave and wouldn't be working for several months and as much as I would love to be that charitable, I have to choose how and where I give. It's long and convoluted but I ended up giving half.

THEN I had an invitation to a boozy Christmas event about an hour and a half from from- but it's ok because I could just have water.

Now I have been asked to go to an event in a couple of weeks for some food bank and expected to help cooking. This is again an hour and a half from home, they want donations too and clearing up. Oh and if you have anything left over from your business we will take it off your hands. When can you deliver it? This is 10 days before my due date.

Then I get a message saying 'oh how fun would it be if you went into labour there?' Yeah fecking loads....

The final straw has been when I mentioned how long it takes to eBay everything (I was quite surprised how time consuming it was!) in regards to some equipment from the business, she mentions she wants to start something similar and can she just have it all (for nothing) and will I go and spend a couple of days teaching her everything about the industry? Preferably in the next month. She'll provide cake!

Am I being unreasonable thinking she just doesn't think about anyone but what she wants to do or am I just being a cow? It has been playing on my mind for a few days now.

Just writing this makes me wonder why I keep bloody bothering.

glueandstick Tue 19-Jan-16 10:02:02

Apologies for the length. Had no idea. Oops. Quite a rant.

DoreenLethal Tue 19-Jan-16 10:04:48

I respond with 'Look, I am not in the slightest bit interested in donating time or things for your church so knock it off ok'.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Tue 19-Jan-16 10:05:16

Your post made me 🙊 and 😨. I couldn't deal with even half of that without winding the friendship down completely. You are a better person than me!

Nanny0gg Tue 19-Jan-16 10:05:39

She's not a friend...

miraclebabyplease Tue 19-Jan-16 10:06:31

Yanbu. Have no or limited contact for a few days. Message her and say you feel tough and will be in touch soon and then give yourself a break from her. Answer no calls and reply to no messages.

glueandstick Tue 19-Jan-16 10:07:40

To be fair I don't do an awful lot from my end to maintain the friendship.

Apart from becoming irrationally angry and ranty.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 19-Jan-16 10:08:06

Wow. Yeah, unfortunately people being religious doesn't stop them from being socially unaware, unreasonable knobs.

Back away where possible.

Sunnybitch Tue 19-Jan-16 10:08:29

Drop her! Drop her now and waddle away as fast as you can

PurpleDaisies Tue 19-Jan-16 10:09:04

She sounds like a lot of hard work. I'm not sure I'd have the energy (or the inclination) to keep this friendship going.

I'd definitely take a step back for a little while.

glueandstick Tue 19-Jan-16 10:09:54

The only reason I mentioned the church bit was that I feel she thinks it's acceptable because of the nature of th charity.

I could go on about the endless Facebook posts about feeling inadequate not being able to help all the poor of the world. The evil side of me would like to suggest going to somewhere remote to help for a few years....

PhoebeMcPeePee Tue 19-Jan-16 10:11:08

I think you need to spell it out to her that you aren't religious and therefore have no interest in attending any church events. She is clearly very selfish and rude thick-skinned so you are going to have to be blunt or she will just keep on about it. I have a friend who is nowhere near as bad as yours but seems to think because I don't go to church then I must want to join her on church jollies but soon stopped when I said I was an atheist & don't even believe in God that you stopped mentioning it and no doubt went off to pray for my salvation

sofiahelins Tue 19-Jan-16 10:11:25

To be true friends with someone I think you need to have the same basic principles,ideas f& outlook on life.
Sorry it just doesn't sound like this is going to work.

IJustLostTheGame Tue 19-Jan-16 10:25:14

Tell her it would contravene the contract you have previously made with the dark lord. She doesn't have to worry about your soul any more as you no longer have one.

Scarletforya Tue 19-Jan-16 10:27:39

Cut her off. It's a no brainer. She's freeloading on behalf of this church. She's no friend.

RB68 Tue 19-Jan-16 10:28:37

I think you just need to pull back and say no and mean it and don't get involved etc whatever she says. If she is so concerned let her give her time, cake ingredients, house and home and businesses to the church not just persuade everyone else to donate. She is not doing it for charity she is getting you to!

tbtc20 Tue 19-Jan-16 10:29:11

"Please stop asking me to be involved in church events."

If she doesn't respect that then ditch her.

Solongtoshort Tue 19-Jan-16 10:30:24

You should go to church you have the patience of a saint.

maresedotes Tue 19-Jan-16 10:34:21

It sounds exhausting and I was irritated just by your op so you have my sympathies actually having to deal with her.

Agree that you should refuse the latest request and tell her you are resting up. Then don't reply to texts etc.

I did laugh at the 'waddle away fast' comment!

sandythesquirrel Tue 19-Jan-16 10:34:34

I am a Christian in an active church, but I would never goad someone into church or taking advantage of a charitable event to get someone to go. If someone give me polite noises, I get the message!

I know this type - we have them in my church too! This friend is a user and will use you - she always has an agenda- which makes her not a real friend.

If you even go to church they will parade you around as some kind of badge of honour for themselves and how great they are for inviting you. She will probably do that for every charitable thing you contributed to.

I agree she is not a real friend. You have to just say no and that you don't have time or inclination to join her on these charitable quests.

As for the equipment and giving it -you must be strong and tell her no.

I have had 'friends' like these. It will never stop and the demands will get bigger. One friend was such a user, she ended up borrowing new clothes i had bought (but were a bit to small for me) -because she had an interview. Not only did she never give them back, but she wore them to church. I tried to stop the friendship by trying to get her to hate me - by insulting her child and her parenting abilities and telling how much of a user she was. It worked for a time, and we didn't speak for a couple of years, until she sent a letter forgiving me and asking to make peace and then asking me to sponsor her missions trip - to the tune of £1000. It was the last straw. I didn't give her a penny. I have forgiven her but I just keep my distance.

I have learned to say no. You need to also. Shameless people however, find it hard to accept 'no', so you have to make it a very strong 'NO'.

AlwaysHopeful1 Tue 19-Jan-16 10:35:30

Yanbu she isn't a friend. Besides you are pregnant, if she's such a good friend wouldn't she think twice before piling on this work knowing your situation. You need to be very, very clear with her.

Orrla Tue 19-Jan-16 10:37:07

I refuse to be guilted into supporting random charities, I have a few that are meaningful for me that I support as much as I can. I know these organisations and am happy with the way they distribute their donations. And if anyone hassles me about it, they get that explanation with a steely stare.

I also avoid people who try to push their belief system or quackery on me. Tell her to stop pestering you in whatever way works best for you, but do NOT feel guilty over not supporting her charities.

Inertia Tue 19-Jan-16 10:37:38

Actually it's worse than just expecting you to give all your time , spare money and stuff to her chosen charitable cause. She wants to to give her your business equipment and your skills and expertise for free so that she can start up in the same business her self! So not only is she guilt-tripping you for not giving everything to a cause you don't believe in , she wants you to fund her personal business start up !

She just sounds like a taker. I'd steer clear.

Leelu6 Tue 19-Jan-16 10:39:24

Now I have been asked to go to an event in a couple of weeks for some food bank and expected to help cooking.

Notwithstanding your 'friend's' unfortunate OTT behaviour, I have to commend her for her dedication to food banks, refugees, bake sales etc.

YANBU but you do sound a bit dismissive of her charitable efforts. The 'some food bank' will be helping a lot of people.

BackInTheRealWorld Tue 19-Jan-16 10:40:22

It doesn't sound like she thinks of you as a friend, more of a contact to try when she is fundraising. Which probably makes her a bloody good fundraiser tbh and a real asset to her church.
I can't see a friendship here though.

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