Could I have handled DD (12) better ?

[Recordmirror]

Had a horrible day with DD (12)

She told me this morning that she needed stuff for cooking lessons tomorrow.
So after school I picked up her and along with my other two DCs (DS 7 and DD2 4) we went to the supermarket. I said as a treat if they were good around the supermarket they could have a magazine each.

So DD had a list and we were halfway through it and she was getting cheese from behind us. I also needed cheese so I asked the 7 year old to pick some for us as well. He stood next to her and reached for some cheese (a different type to the one she wanted) and she hissed "not that one you idiot" to him.

I heard her and told her that he was getting cheese for us and she needed to apologise to him. She said sorry but it was full of attitude and she rolled her eyes as she said it. I told her that I wasn't buying anything else for her until she said sorry properly. She said it again in a nice way and we carried on but she was dragging her feet behind us and sighing. I ignored her.

Then we went back to the magazine aisle and the 4 year old liked the look of two magazines so she asked DD which one she should pick and DD said "shut up and hurry up already I am so bored of you". I told her that was not a good way to speak to your sister especially as this trip was for her. I said that she couldn't have a magazine for being mean to her siblings.

She said she was sorry and I said that was good but she still wasn't having a magazine as this was the second time she had been mean to her siblings.

She said she hated me and this family. She sulked and dragged her feet behind us and sat in the car with her arms crossed and sulking and as soon as we got home she slammed upstairs to her room.

While she was up there a friend of mine popped round and asked where DD was and she said that I should have handled it better and should have given her the magazine when she said sorry and I really messed up and I would have to learn before DD became a proper teenager.

She came down for her dinner and apologised for being rude and she was back to normal for the rest of the night.

So WIBU and how could I have handled DD better for the future?

[BrandNewAndImproved]

I would have done what you did.

[Thegirlinthetrousers]

I'm just recovering from three hours of hell with my dd, 12 who has been far ruder....and fwiw, I think you handled it just fine :)

[TwoInTheMourning]

Gosh that friend of yours sure knows a lot about a lot, right??

[ilovesooty]

I think it might be more helpful to think about how you're going to handle your rude interfering "friend" in future.

[Recordmirror]

Well my friend has older DCs so she has more experience of teenagers than me.

[sydenhamhiller]

I am full of admiration for your handling of the situation (I have a 12,10 and 3 year old and did not handle a situation with my 3 year old very well at all today).

[misskatamari]

I think you handled it well. You told her what you expected, she was rude so you'd followed through and didn't buy her a magazine.
She had a strop and you left her to it, she realised she was in the wrong and came down an apologised. Your friend needs to butt out!

[Wolfiefan]

Syden bless you. We all have moments we don't handle as we would like.

OP it sounds like you did fine. She had more than one chance. If you'd given her a magazine the message is it is fine to be rude.

[MooseAndSquirrel]

Sounds like your friend has allllll the answers...she should write a book with her knowledge of obviously everything! is it obvious I cant deal with know alls!
I think you handled that just fine, seems it was the right way with your DD, as ended with her apologising and going back to normal

[PantsOfGold]

You did what I would have done. No rewards for rudeness here. Take your friend and anyone else with a pinch of salt - you have to make your own rules.

[Glassofwineneeded]

You handled it fine. Clear explanation at the beginning of the trip that if they behaved they would get a magazine. She didn't behave, she didn't get a magazine. You taught her that what you say is what will happen.
She sulked a bit but apologised for being rude and you've all moved on.
I say great patenting! And interfering friend should keep her nose out!

[Recordmirror]

Well to be honest I was quite surprised that DD was the one who played up. Usually it's the younger two that play up and get bored in the supermarket especially when they are tired after school (hence the magazine bribe) .

[CaptainCrunch]

You did fine, your "friend" is an arsehole.

[Wolfiefan]

It's the 12 year old thing. My DS can be the same. He's a lovely lad but has the brain and emotional control of a kid but the hormones and worries of an adult.
Perfect storm.
This too shall pass.

[Mysteryfla]

Good for you, you did a perfect job! Ignore your "friend"

[Euripidesralph]

I think you handled it really well .... and as a point of note just because someone has older children doesn't mean they are right in all their parenting choices

Frankly I'd have kicked so called friend out ... even if you hadn't handled it well that's a horrendous way to speak to someone

But I genuinely think you did well your dad learnt that just saying sorry wouldn't make it go away otherwise sorry means nothing

It's the old paper routine .... take a piece of paper and screw it up .... now say sorry to it and smooth it out again .... It may be open now but the creases are still there.... my dsis uses this with her teenage children and it explains why just saying sorry isn't always the answer

But honestly rethink that friendship

[Theimpossiblegirl]

I think you handled it really well. What would she have learned if you had bought her a magazine? That she can behave how she wants towards her siblings and get away with it? It's good to show her behaviour choices have consequences. You'd be doing her no favours by letting her get away with it.

[BooAvenue]

I think you were absolutely right. I think children need to learn that saying sorry doesn't just magically make things ok after they've misbehaved.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

I agree sorry doesn't make it better! She didn't deserve a treat she Mia behaved round the supermarket, I've done the same. You made a promise no kept it.

[zippyswife]

Well handled I think. You were consistent and followed through. Good job. Your friend sounds like a smug interfering dick though.

[geekymommy]

Sulking and saying they hate this family is what teenagers do. If she apologized and acted normal later, I would say it ended pretty well.

[notenoughbottle]

You handled it well. You warned her more than once about her behaviour and she didn't change. At least she knows if you ever threaten her with anything if she misbehaves again that it's not empty.

[goingmadinthecountry]

Sounds like you did just fine - well done for being calm in the supermarket!

I still have no idea what the right thing to do is. Dd is 12 (number 4) and the other 3 are 22, 20 and 19. If it's any help at all, they grow out of it! I feel your pain on a daily basis.

[MooseAndSquirrel]

Love the screwed up paper analogy!! Stealing that one!