AIBU to feel sad I won't be going to this wedding?

(132 Posts)
WonderingAspie Mon 18-Jan-16 21:11:51

A relative is getting married soon, we are invited but it's not in the country we live in and would cost at least 5k to go. We don't have this so are not going, there are no hard feelings at all but it makes me sad I won't be at the wedding. There was original talk of DD being bridesmaid but obviously that can't happen. I also can't go to the hen do, again no hard feelings but every time I see a post on FB about the wedding, or they mention it, it just reminds me again (although i dont show it, this was their choice). I feel guilty for not going although I know I shouldn't. I am very excited and happy for the bride and groom and would have loved to be there. It's also hard when many other family members are going. Part of me thinks the family that is really bothered about (by B and G) can go anyway so it doesn't really matter about the rest but I am fully aware that IABU on that and this is my issue to deal with, not theirs.

honeyroar Mon 18-Jan-16 21:22:05

Just thank yourself for Facebook, you can stay in touch, wish them well, see the photos, tell them how much you're thinking of them etc.

WonderingAspie Mon 18-Jan-16 22:09:21

They don't live abroad, they live about 10 minutes from me. They have just decided to go abroad to get married and anyone who wanted to go was welcome. Unfortunately nearly everyone who is going doesn't have young children, a parent who isn't well and would have to pay for a family to attend, hence us not being able to go, which does make me sad. Obviously I'll wish them well but i'd love to have been at the wedding.

Headofthehive55 Mon 18-Jan-16 22:21:19

I feel for you. It's like you are excluded because you don't have enough money to join in!

WonderingAspie Tue 19-Jan-16 11:03:39

Yes head I think that is part of it, as we have more to pay for, it's not possible, whereas everyone else is single or childless and have better paid full time jobs so not even an issue for them.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Tue 19-Jan-16 12:29:56

Weddings abroad when neither or the couple live their (or were born there) are very selfish. They make guests that can't attend feel excluded and the ones that can bear the brunt of the costs for the bride and groom. Unless they are paying travel costs for guests which some do.

Orange1969 Tue 19-Jan-16 12:32:22

Good lord - £5000 to attend a wedding? That is absurd.

Most would struggle to afford that.

WonderingAspie Tue 19-Jan-16 12:38:38

autumn, no one is being paid for here, everyone paying for their self. Originally there was a package deal somewhere else including a certain amount of people, I asked if BM (DD) would be Included and I got laughed at. The reason for doing wedding abroad is to save the cost of a wedding here, but weddings don't have to cost 000's so that logic doesn't really work.

Yep orange, flights, accommodation, transfers, food etc for 4, actually it's probably more than 5k. We don't spend this on a family holiday, because we can't afford it and I wouldn't want to anyway.

diddl Tue 19-Jan-16 12:41:33

Is it someone that you are or thought you were close to?

Would only bother me if my best friend or sibling did this.

BackInTheRealWorld Tue 19-Jan-16 12:44:27

Selfish, Autumn? To have the wedding they want? My god!

songbird Tue 19-Jan-16 12:46:52

The reason for doing wedding abroad is to save the cost of a wedding here

Total bollocks!

19lottie82 Tue 19-Jan-16 12:47:08

Autumn...... Of course they're not selfish! They're not forcing anyone to go! It's the bride and grooms wedding day, they can have it where they like! hmm

Bunbaker Tue 19-Jan-16 12:53:33

When some friends of ours got married abroad they didn't invite anyone, but they had a big party after they got home.

Lulooo Tue 19-Jan-16 12:58:31

I think it depends on how close you are. If it's a very close relative then maybe you can ask if they'll have at least something here for those who are not going.

My DB married abroad. I was gutted at not being there but I knew it was what sense for them and was totally happy f I r them. They saved a lot of money (it was India) and I wouldn't have expected or wanted them to have it here just because I also wanted to attend.

Headofthehive55 Tue 19-Jan-16 13:05:33

It's is of course their day lottie but in some families there is a certain amount of arm twisting to get you to go. Couple that with a guilty feeling that you are letting down a member of your own family by not going makes it awkward to say the least. I've had other members of my own family say things like " but you've got to go" have seen other members postpone their own wedding, remortgage to enable to go. People are made out to be killjoys and selfish for not attending.

So I don't think it's that simple. Even if the bride and groom aren't saying anything outwardly, there can be a lot of fall out. I think that's why some people think getting married abroad is a bit selfish, as it does have ramifications for other members of the family, whether the bride and groom intend it to or not and whether they go or not!

EssentialHummus Tue 19-Jan-16 13:10:55

Sure they can have the wedding wherever they want, but if the expectation is that all the guests who would have attended in this country, can and will spaff 5k+ on an overseas trip, they'll likely find out the hard way why this isn't the way to go if they want their nearest and dearest to participate.

I also find it selfish to want to exclude people in this way, and I raise you "short-sighted" for apparently thinking that everyone would be able to magic up that kind of money.

SanityClause Tue 19-Jan-16 13:15:47

YANBU to feel sad about it, or to vent about it here.

Boomingmarvellous Tue 19-Jan-16 13:34:14

Said on tv today average cost of uk wedding £21K so lots of people to go abroad for cost reasons. You just have to be pleased for the couple. I agree it can be very hard for the people who can't afford to attend.

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 19-Jan-16 13:39:22

There is a reason why people have weddings in totally different countries to the one they or their family live in.

Usually it is because they cannot be faffed with the external fuss a big wedding will cause.

There is nothing wrong with this it is no reflection on you or the quality of your relationship with them.

Equally as such there is nothing wrong with being upset (providing you do not piss on there parade) but a useful way of dealing with that is to change the way you view it

EssentialHummus Tue 19-Jan-16 13:39:35

I don't really get the "cost saving" element yes I'm a Registry Office in jeans type. As in, a UK wedding can cost £21k or more, but can also cost £200. Whereas an overseas wedding always always entails large flight and hotel bills.

peppielillyan Tue 19-Jan-16 13:50:53

Why does it cost so much?

Alicewasinwonderland Tue 19-Jan-16 13:54:43

I think it means the SAME kind of wedding would cost a lot less abroad than it would cost here for the bride and groom, even if you include flights and accommodation. If guests can make a holiday out of it, brilliant, if they can't turn up, it's not the end of the world.

Sorry for you OP, I hope you can book a nice family holiday this year!

Headofthehive55 Tue 19-Jan-16 13:59:33

As explained needs going abroad doesn't necessarily remove tension, it often displaces it.

I have a way of dealing with it. I ignore it. It therefore doesn't cause me any grief whatsoever. I don't bother with cards, presents, and go on enjoying my life. I give a polite congratulations when I next see them.

I agree essential weddings don't cost the earth. I wonder how people managed to get married post war, on rationing, and still be happily married!

MrsHathaway Tue 19-Jan-16 14:04:18

The reason for doing wedding abroad is to save the cost of a wedding here

Save the cost to the bride and groom. If the wedding party actually bore all the costs it would usually be far, far more expensive.

Can you imagine how lavish a wedding you could have if you persuaded your nearest and dearest to put a grand each towards your wedding and then took over a country hotel for a weekend?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 19-Jan-16 14:11:22

It's a shame and yanbu to be disappointed you can't make it. Had DD ever known there was a possibility she might be bridesmaid?

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