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Family wedding but inconsistant family members invited and veil issue

(242 Posts)
shutupaboutstarwars Mon 18-Jan-16 19:49:40

So my cousin has decided to have no children at her wedding but hasn't bothered to explain anything to me just sent the same impersonal email round to everyone. My brother's child is invited.
Background rant: she was bridesmaid at my wedding, she is Godmother to my DS1 who will be just a couple of years younger than she was she was when she was bridesmaid at my wedding (14). She will be wearing the same antique veil that has been in the family for several generations. I have fond memories of making a comment to her at my own wedding about how she would be the next to wear it. DB's child will be under a year old at the wedding so they have decided that that will be ok even though the wedding invite says that without children there everyone will be able to enjoy themselves and relax more . My DB has told me that he feels very guilty that his DS has been invited but my DCs haven't. I have been told that the reason that they aren't inviting any children is to cut down on costs but I am not actually sure that this is true or not.
I currently can't even look at my own wedding photos without getting upset when I look at the veil so don't even think that I could cope with being at the wedding without my children being there. My husband has refused to go unless the children are invited but we haven't told anyone yet. It would be 6 hours travelling in the car. I didn't take DCs to the previous 2 weddings on this side of the family as 1was abroad and the other would have involved lots of travelling across London and back as to keep costs down the registry office ceremony and the evening reception were miles apart and separated by hours as well. DS1 has ASD and we felt they the previous 2 weddings would involve so much upheaval for him for such a short period of time at the wedding that it would be inappropriate to go. This wedding is somewhere he has been to before and we would also be able to have access to somewhere quiet if he wasn't coping well.
So do we just say that we can't get child care and so DH and I can't go? Do I go on my own and spend the day feeling like s@&t. Or do I go down the emotional blackmail route about how DN is allowed but mine aren't, how horrible it would be for it to stop being a family veil because my DD won't get to see it and I wish that I had never worn the veil in the 1st place?
I don't want to cause a family argument but I feel that my cousin should at least have bothered to explain personally. It has been years since she had even bothered to send her godson a present and we have been saying for a while how selfish that she can be at times.

Waltermittythesequel Mon 18-Jan-16 19:51:44

You're being utterly ridiculous.

iklboo Mon 18-Jan-16 19:54:26

If your nephew is 1 or under they won't have to pay for a meal for him, where they would with your DS.

MorrisZapp Mon 18-Jan-16 19:54:27

Blooooody hell...

GwenethPaltrowIamnot Mon 18-Jan-16 19:54:28

I think you are being a silly

Sparkletastic Mon 18-Jan-16 19:55:14

Goodness me you are being quite a drama queen, and sounds like your DH is being equally as ridiculous.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 18-Jan-16 19:56:14

You are totally over reacting about the veil, give yourself a wobble and read that OP back.

She hadn't invited kids but your nephew has, either go and enjoy the day or decline the invite.

You are being very dramatic.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Mon 18-Jan-16 19:56:42

Either suck it up or don't go.


ftmsoon Mon 18-Jan-16 19:57:31

I don't get the veil thing at all.
On the whole 'children at weddings' issue, it really is up to the couple so you need to talk to your cousin in a normal way, not in an 'emotional blackmail' way.

MissBattleaxe Mon 18-Jan-16 19:59:29

You need your children there to help you cope with seeing a veil? Speechless.

BlueFolly Mon 18-Jan-16 19:59:33

I don't understand how it will stop being a 'family veil' because your DD hasn't seen it at the one particular wedding.

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 18-Jan-16 19:59:48

A babe in arms is somewhat different to a teenager.
It's a veil. It will be exactly the same veil whether your DD sees your cousin wear it or not.

Ubik1 Mon 18-Jan-16 19:59:50


I'm so glad i never bothered

CousinChloe Mon 18-Jan-16 20:01:29

Why does it have to stop ring a family veil because she's worn it? Is it that you wanted DD to be the next one to wear it, or that DD not being at this wedding somehow will stop her wearing it in the future? I don't understand the problem here at all.

BackforGood Mon 18-Jan-16 20:01:47

Yup YABU and ridiculous.

The whole veil thing seems completely off the scale of oddness.

I don't see why you can't understand that dc who are 14 would be another person to pay for, but a baby in arms wouldn't be catered for by the hosts - it's not difficult.
I know people feel differently about child free weddings, and that's fine - you did what you wanted at your wedding, and now they are doing what they want to at theirs. You can 'not go' if you want - after all, it's only an invitation - but your post makes you sound really ridiculous.

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 18-Jan-16 20:02:02

You don't sound old enough to have children. And can't look at your wedding pics due to a shitty veil? You are ridiculous. Ii can't believe anyone would feel this way.

OwlinaTree Mon 18-Jan-16 20:02:22

The family veil will still be relevant to your daughter. My son was baptised in the baptism gown his father wore, and his father before etc. He's not going to remember any more than my dh remembers it, but it's still a family item. Your daughter is more likely to want to wear the veil because you did at your wedding than because she saw auntie wearing it. Don't worry about that.

It sounds like they are having a child free wedding, that's their choice I'm afraid. It's now your choice whether or not to attend. It's harder for you because you didn't make that choice, and your nephew will be there. Bear in mind nephew won't remember any of it. Is it possible for you to go with your dh and enjoy the day, try not to take it personally? Your niece must be about 26/27 minimum so may many friends that are not bringing their children.

Excited101 Mon 18-Jan-16 20:03:06

I've got no idea why the veil has any sort of baring on it being a child free wedding

Brightnorthernlights Mon 18-Jan-16 20:03:19

Taking a child under one, who do not have a 'cost per head' is very different than inviting your DC, who I assume are a lot older. How many children do you have & what are the ages?

Why does this veil upset you so much, I don't understand the connection to your children being at the wedding and the veil?

brittabot Mon 18-Jan-16 20:04:09

Their wedding, their choice.

Why are you bothered? You have just been to two weddings without your children so why not go and enjoy this one? It seems like you're making a drama out of nothing.

Don't get the veil issue?

ClashCityRocker Mon 18-Jan-16 20:04:31

I'm not sure what the veil has got to do with it? confused

RapidlyOscillating Mon 18-Jan-16 20:04:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 18-Jan-16 20:04:46

Presumable the veil was worn at the weddings you decided your dc wouldn't attend?

Your dd might not even want to wear the veil in future.

Is there any reason why your reaction to this is so over the top?

LeanneBattersby Mon 18-Jan-16 20:05:12

I think it's time you drew a veil over this OP.

ClashCityRocker Mon 18-Jan-16 20:05:40

If your brothers child hadn't been invited, would you be considering not going?

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