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Another wedding one! Sorry!

(71 Posts)
Notimefortossers Mon 18-Jan-16 13:23:27

So my 'best' friend is getting married this summer. We've been friends for 15 years and have always openly called each other 'best friends', sisters even.

I got married two years ago and she was my maid of honour. We had a small ceremony followed by a big party. Only immediate family attended the ceremony, plus her and her family.

I thought it was a bit odd that she'd not mentioned or asked me about my role at her wedding yet, but thought she was just leaving things late as she is with a lot of other things. Whenever we'd hypothetically talked about our weddings in the past we'd always said we'd be each others bridesmaids.

Then I find out, via facebook, the other day that she has 4 bridesmaids and I'm not one of them.

Now on the one had I know IABU. It's her wedding and she can have who she likes. But is it U that it still hurts?! Just feels like I've been shown my true place. Out of all the people in the world, she was my number one, but for her I'm not even in the top 4? Clearly our friendship means more to me than it does to her.

Also, I know they plan a similar affair to ours. Small ceremony, big party. Given the fact that I'm not in the wedding party I'm just bracing myself for the fact that we're not even invited to the ceremony and will just be invited to the party along with hundreds of others. I will have a breast fed four month old at the time, so an evening affair won't be easy for me. Feel like just blowing the whole thing off tbh. Would that BU?

Also feel like I should try to detach myself from our friendship a bit to protect myself from any more hurt.

Fully prepared to be told I am totally unreasonable! Give it to me MN!

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 18-Jan-16 13:26:20

I will have a breast fed four month old at the time

Do you think this ^ is the reason why she hasn't asked you?,

InYearAdmissions Mon 18-Jan-16 13:27:06

Was going to say exactly the same

Grapejuicerocks Mon 18-Jan-16 13:27:37

It does sound as if you are more invested in the friendship than she is. Sorry, I know that hurts and why you feel so bad. YANBU, I would feel exactly the same.

If you don't feel up to the evening do then you can use your baby as an excuse nearer the time. I wouldn't blame you.

Orda1 Mon 18-Jan-16 13:27:45

Are the 4 family?
If yes, YABU.
If no, you're not.

FellOutOfBedTwice Mon 18-Jan-16 13:28:17

This is shit. I have a similar friendship, similar weddings. We were each others only maids of honour. Your friend doesn't sound very nice.

Grapejuicerocks Mon 18-Jan-16 13:28:24

But surely she should have had that conversation with the op, if the baby is the reason. The op would feel a lot better about it all.

MaidOfStars Mon 18-Jan-16 13:28:42

Thirding the likelihood that you've been omitted from the wedding party because of a breastfeeding child.

MaidOfStars Mon 18-Jan-16 13:30:12

Oh, if the four BMs are sisters/nieces/new SILs/other close family, this is also perfectly explicable.

SaucyJack Mon 18-Jan-16 13:30:48

I think she should have spoken to you about it, but seeing as you will have a small baby at the time and by your own admission it'll be a struggle to even attend- never mind do bridesmaidy gubbins- then maybe that was her reasoning behind it? Buying a dress in advance for a four months postnatal BF woman would also be a bit of a minefield.

Sorry you found out via FB tho. That can't have been nice.

Notimefortossers Mon 18-Jan-16 13:31:55

I did consider that she hadn't asked me because of the baby, but then I would have thought she would have spoken to me about it?

Of the 4, one is family - a cousin. The other 3 are close friends and have been friends since school so longer than we have, but not as close as we are (or so I thought before this) - one of them she slags off to me ALL the time!!!!!

Wotshudwehave4T Mon 18-Jan-16 13:32:15

On the surface YABU - communication problem, she should have mentioned her plans to you as a best mate, but is likely caught up in the plans. It's probably innocent, you need a chat with her, she's your pal. Could be limited numbers/money, all young girls/nieces etc, she didn't want to have you on duty all day and thought you should enjoy with your DH. We can speculate, but she can tell you.

Sparkletastic Mon 18-Jan-16 13:35:53

Ooof I'd be very hurt too. I'd wait to see if she brings it up before you have to though. Do you have imminent plans to see one-another?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 18-Jan-16 13:36:01

The polite thing would have been for her to say to you if your baby is the reason why you've been sidelined as a Bridesmaid.

The fact she then FB'd who her Bridesmaids were with little regard for your feelings is hurtful to you, I'd be distancing myself from her.

Wotshudwehave4T Mon 18-Jan-16 13:36:08

Oops just read the baby bit, I think she's thinking it's likely to be too much for you on the day, enjoy your pregnancy and baby then enjoy her day in your own time rather than having to fit in baby and being bridesmaid.

lilydaisyrose Mon 18-Jan-16 13:36:22

Apart from the baby, I could've been your bride 10 years ago. When I first got engaged, I made lovely cards asking 4 or 5 (can't even remember!) friends/family members to be bridesmaids. We ended up then not getting married til 7 years later, post 2 x DC and I only had 1 bridesmaid! I think back now and think how thoughtless I was not to discuss my change of heart with my potential wedding attendants (who all attended wedding). I think I just assumed that they'd know that our idea of what size of wedding we'd want had changed and how our children were more of a focus than before...Cringey now.

I guess I'm saying it's easy done and I would (normally!) consider myself to be a thoughtful person.

MaisieDotes Mon 18-Jan-16 13:36:41

I would be hurt in this situation. Whatever her reasons, she should have let you know that you weren't going to be a bridesmaid before announcing who is.

LineyReborn Mon 18-Jan-16 13:38:34

You need to ask her.

Notimefortossers Mon 18-Jan-16 13:39:16

I'd feel like a twat talking to her about it to be honest. Feels a bit juvenile and don't want to piss on the parade of her big day and make her feel shit about it.

Also, I think she knows I'm upset and why. I liked the comment in which she named her bridesmaids so she'd know I'd seen it. I'd seen her (and 3 of the 4 bridesmaids) in the morning and found out in the evening. She messaged me and I didn't reply (though she didn't ask anything that required specific answering!). Then the next day she asked if I was alright and I said yes, was she. And she said 'Oh you didn't reply to me so I didn't know if you weren't talking to me?' And I said why wouldn't I be and she said she didn't know. That was it. That was a week ago and we've not spoken since

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 18-Jan-16 13:42:13

You should have said to her, when she asked if you were ok, that you were surprised she hadn't mentioned who her Bridesmaid's were but that ship has sailed now.

What are you going to do, get in touch or wait for her?

lincolnshirelassy Mon 18-Jan-16 13:44:06

YANBU I'd be hurt. My best friend didn't ask me to be bridesmaid after she had been mine twice, but she had two who were sister and stepdaughter, so that's very different.

Another friend also asked me to be bridesmaid and I was breastfeeding an 8 month old at the time, but she still wanted me to do it. As others have said that may well be her reason for not asking, but in that case it was really thoughtless not to have a conversation with you about it. And letting you find out via Facebook is the worst kind of thoughtlessness. The @I didn't know if you were talking to me' comment also suggests she knows damn well she's behaved like a twat!

Vaginaaa Mon 18-Jan-16 13:44:14

If she slags off another close friend all the time, chances are she does the same about you and other friends to others. Is she the type who likes drama? Not telling you about the bridesmaid thing and then poking at you to see if there's anything up makes me think she knows exactly what she's doing and it isn't kind.

StealthPolarBear Mon 18-Jan-16 13:46:31

Yes ask her

Notimefortossers Mon 18-Jan-16 13:47:10

Haven't really considered what I'm going to do to be honest . . . thought I'd just wait for you guys to tell me! Haha.

She is part of a big friendship group, has a lot of close friends and is always running around trying to keep everyone happy and seeing everyone regularly. She can't bear the thought that anyone might not like her. Where I am much quieter and prefer time with my family (and don't give a shit what people think of me generally!) However, still can't bear the fact that if I speak to her about it, she will likely tell the others and they'll all be gossiping about me. I'll be the bad guy that's upset her over her wedding plans.

Might just put up and shut up and chalk it up to experience. But thank you all. It's nice to know I'm not a total twat!

Borninthe60s Mon 18-Jan-16 13:47:15

Why don't you meet her and have a chat. Say you know her bridesmaids are her decision but you feel a bit upset that you're out of the loop and wonder if you've done something to upset her?

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