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AIBU or is my family

(17 Posts)
Thenightswatch Mon 18-Jan-16 11:58:13

I'll try to keep it short and basic.

I have three brothers, I am the youngest and only girl so have always been some what left out. We're all in our late twenties and thirties now, all have our own families and doing our own thing.

The thing is, none of my brothers seem to really bother with me, it was my ds 2nd birthday and dd 1st birthday at the end of last year, and because I've deleted Facebook, not one of them remembered, even a text or phone call would of done. I've always made sure I remember their dc birthdays and attended birthday parties with a lot of people i don't know even though I have social anxiety.

My eldest brother lives 20 minutes away, and still hasn't bothered to meet my dd who is now 14 mo even after numerous invites over.

Another brother has now just text me demanding to know why I haven't been over to meet his newborn who is one week old. I explained to my dm that I was fed up of running round after them when they make no effort with me at all, she's then said I was being selfish and they are still family and basically just get over it.

They are all very selfish people, they borrow money from my parents without paying it back numerous times, my oldest brother had a child from a previous relationship who he doesn't see, because he didn't want to upset his new girlfriend, we fell out about this years ago and have never been on very good terms since.

My dh complete agrees with me and is behind me all the time no matter what I do.

So my question is AIBU to be fed up and just stop trying so hard or should I just get on with it and stop moaning?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 18-Jan-16 12:16:40

You already know the answer to this.
Stop it.
You don't owe them anything.
I would guess, as the only girl you have been brought up as a 'people pleaser'
You now to get out of this habit.
When they ask, tell them you will put in as much effort as they do and then leave it at that!

Thenightswatch Mon 18-Jan-16 12:19:08

Hells my dh tells me all the time I'm too much of a people pleaser, I guess I just needed to hear it from an outsiders perspective, so thank you.

LagunaBubbles Mon 18-Jan-16 12:23:42

You need to speak to your brother who texted you about coming to see his newborn, find your voice.

Paintedhandprints Mon 18-Jan-16 12:26:08

Ask your brother when he is coming to see your 14mo.

Thenightswatch Mon 18-Jan-16 12:36:58

I think I just needed to know my mum wasn't right in convincing me I should get on with it, I just text telling him I'll come over when he bothers his arse with us. I don't agree with his way of life just now, him and his dw are both not working out of choice and living on benifits even though he is perfectly fit and healthy to work, but he just has no desire to, noting more than that, I think I just need to take a step back from all this and stop letting their life choices bother me,

kickassangel Mon 18-Jan-16 13:01:07

Your mum sounds like the root of the problem, tbh. You shouldn't have grown up feeling left out. Doesn't matter if you're f/m 1st/last etc.

The fact that your brothers treat you like this and she tells you to get over it just shows how much she's on their side not yours.

Give them as much attention as you feel you want to. And be thankful for your DH, who sounds like he's the only one who is really on your side.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 18-Jan-16 13:13:41

Good text OP.
Keep that up.

Thenightswatch Mon 18-Jan-16 13:21:20

I think you may be right about my mother, she can be very pushy and just wants us all to get on, but I can't only take so much, and you're right kickass he's the only one who's always got my back, I know I can stand up for myself is he's behind, think I just needed other people's opinion as my mother is always making me doubt myself

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 18-Jan-16 13:53:51

"she can be very pushy and just wants us all to get on"
I don't think that is what she wants. What she wants is for none of her pwecious sons to moan at her, and if that means being a bitch to her daughter, she'll be that bitch. If she genuinely wanted you all to get on, she'd have kicked her sons arses and told them to behave like real live humans years ago.

YANBU to be fed up with the lot of them, and you should stop trying so hard with them. Especially your mother.

Thenightswatch Mon 18-Jan-16 14:45:04

You've made a good point, I always make excuses for all of their behaviour, which drives my dh crazy, maybe it's just time I become less tolerant to people who aren't worth wasting the energy on. I just want to be able to get over my reluctance to cause any upset, I'm just too nice and it's a trait I've always disliked about myself, my dh is the opposite and I get jealous of how well he can just tell people when they're obviously being rude.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 18-Jan-16 15:23:40

" I just want to be able to get over my reluctance to cause any upset"
Remember, you've been trained by your mother from early childhood not to cause any upset. It will take you time to re-train yourself. By the sound of your DH, watch and learn grin. And don't be too hard on yourself - save that for your family. flowers

NotOneIota Mon 18-Jan-16 15:31:49

OP,it is not down to you to moderate your behaviour to accommodate other peoples bad behaviour. My mum is truly lovely,but it took me many decades before I realised that was how I was brought up. My life would have been a lot different had I been raised to be assertive. Even the nicest of parents can fuck you up!

Sounds like your DH is a diamond. Talk things over with him,decide on your response,and have the confidence to stick to what is right for you. It's good to have give and take in the family,but not good to roll over and keep the peace when it continually upsets you. Your brothers sound like self absorbed bores,and your mum is enabling that. Good luck.

Thenightswatch Mon 18-Jan-16 15:50:06

Thank you all! You've made me realize what I've been thinking for years just never accepted, if that makes sense.

LittleBeautyBelle Mon 18-Jan-16 17:22:21

Dear OP, your family have not been fair or loving to you and of course you're upset. You've put up with this one sided dynamic for years. After deciding to speak up, you're told by your mother to shut up and how you should continue to put up with how you're treated.

The blatant hypocrisy of your brother demanding when you're coming to see his newborn when he still hasn't visited your 14 month old is outrageous. Yet your whole family seems to accept that this, and all their other behavior, is normal. Your mother's siding with them is really hurtful.

flowers, your husband is a keeper, listen to him and decide together on how to handle this, he may have some good insight that could help you have a decent family relationship. As others said, your brothers sound very self absorbed, they're used to not bothering about you. Can they change? I don't know. They would have to want to change.

Thenightswatch Mon 18-Jan-16 17:49:57

Thank you belle, I can't believe it's taken me this long to see this, even though my dh has been telling this all along, he'll be happy to sit down and chat with me about this tonight, so that's what I'll do, and hopefully get some tips on how to be more assertive smile

hellsbellsmelons Tue 19-Jan-16 09:17:53

Google 'FOG' Fear Obligation Guilt.
That will help explain a few things for you and make this clearer.

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