AIBU to not let DSD's boyfriend stay all week?

[ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain]

DSD has just got her first job close to where we live and as she has not yet sorted out somewhere to live she is staying with us. We are delighted to have her and she is welcome to stay as long as she likes.

Both last weekend and this weekend her boyfriend has stayed here. He is a perfectly nice chap although I did have to ask DH to ask him to get dressed when it appeared that he was planning to join us for lunch in pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt.

Anyway it turns out that the boyfriend is also flat hunting before starting a new job (separately from DSD) and it appears that he expects to stay here for the week in order to do so.

AIBU to say he can stay tonight but that I do not expect him to be here all week or hanging around my house when DSD is out at work all day.

They are both recent graduates (so early 20s) and I just don't see it as my responsibility to house an adult that I barely know and who hasn't even had the courtesy to ask either directly or through DSD.

[ImperialBlether]

If he hasn't asked, how do you know that's what he wants to do?

[ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain]

It's nearly 10pm so I asked whether he would be staying and was told yes.

[TattyDevine]

Geez that's taking the piss really. Have you spoken to DSD about it?

[maybebabybee]

Yanbu. Very rude not to have even asked!!

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Don't see the problem tbh. But I grew up in a household where friends etc were welcome at any time.

[5BlueHydrangea]

Basic manners. He should politely ask you if you mind. I wouldn't be over impressed especially if like you say he is around all day and no one else is. Taking the mick..

[cashewnutty]

TBH it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

[Lurkedforever1]

Not at that age yet, but the older dd gets, and thus the less I have to do for her guests, the less bothered I am about who and when she invites people home, or to stay. And she's 12. Pretty confident that by early 20's it wouldn't bother me if she had a bf staying.

[Haggisfish]

I wouldn't mind.

[LaurieFairyCake]

It would bother me more not less.

I invite people to stay, not have other adults foisted on me.

[Headofthehive55]

Totally rude. I'd be happy to let him but I'd expect to be asked out of courtesy.

Even if it's only for catering purposes you need to be asked!

[maybebabybee]

I also grew up in a house where friends were welcome, but I still would have asked my mum if my boyfriend could come and stay for an entire week, especially if I was not going to be there the whole time.

[SuperCee7]

I wouldn't expect a grown man to ask his girlfriends parents permission to stay over. This is something you should talk to your daughter about but I'd be for with a partner of my young adult child staying over for a week.

[ImperialBlether]

I would want him to ask whether it was alright. I wouldn't want to leave someone in my house when I wasn't there.

[Whathaveilost]

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
DS1 and 2 both have their girlfriends stay and they stop in the house while I am out.

[ImperialBlether]

But, Super, you'd expect to be asked, wouldn't you?

[Haggisfish]

I would expect dsd to ask, not him.

[G1veMeStrength]

I don't feel like my house is big enough to house an extra adult for a week - I think if it was I'd still expect to be asked.

[ShhhBeQuiet]

I'd expect them to ask but I'd say yes. I'd also expect them to help cook and provide food or a contribution.

What does your DH want to do?

[Italiangreyhound]

YANBU. I think it is rude of him and your dsd to expect him to be able to stay.

I would probably let him as I am a pushover but I would expect help, washing up, tidying up, shopping and I would make it clear it was a one off.

[ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain]

They are out so I have only exchanged text messages with DSD. Normally I'd leave DH to sort it out but he is travelling all week.

I only have young DC so I have not experienced the teenage years and the coming's and going's of friends and boyfriends. I'm just not comfortable with a man I do not know being in my house all day when DSD is out at work.

[janethegirl2]

It wouldn't bother me. My kids could have friends to stay whenever they wanted, for as long as they wanted.

[Italiangreyhound]

ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain what will he be doing every day? Will he be out flat hunting? in her room looking at the computer/tablet phone flat hunting. Or will he be in the living room watching TV?

If you are at home all day, with young kids then I can see why this would bother you.

Can you speak to your dh and get him to intervene?

I'd be tempted to make it so boring to be there (no TV or just teletubbies all day) and could you help me with this that and the other that he doesn't want to come back to stay!

People who are saying it doesn't bother them, am I right in thinking when it happens with your kids, your kids are there? I wouldn't mind my children's friends being round when my kids are home but when not, it is a bit weird!

My flat mate (about two decades ago!) moved her boyfriend in by stealth, no request of was it OK, suddenly he was just there, all the time for a week, then not, then back! Even when she was at work because he worked in one week on one week off residential place. He was watching our tv, using our kitchen (which I never used!) etc. I must admit I found it all a bit much!

[HicDraconis]

I wouldn't mind him staying for the week until he finds his own place.

I would mind not being asked by either him or DSD and I would expect him to offer to contribute something towards his stay. Not that I would accept it from him, but I would still expect it to be offered.

I don't think your DSD is being deliberately rude as much as completely thoughtless and just assumes it'll all be fine. Do you have the kind of relationship with her where you can gently point out that it's polite to run her plans by you given that it's your home too?