To think MIL is being insensitive re: pregnancy?(10 Posts)
I'm 35 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty under the weather. I've been diagnosed with SVT (heart beating rapidly, especially when I've just managed to drift off to sleep ), which happens repeatedly - leading to chronic lack of sleep, and depression.
Luckily, I am being looked after by a consultant who's keeping an eye on my heart. I've been signed off work early and am taking it very easy, on doctor's orders.
We had a visit from the MIL yesterday, who shows absolutely zero interest or sympathy - didn't ask anything about what the consultants were doing to manage stuff - and got a lecture on how we should "carry on as normal". Apparently, she had a very active pregnancy and didn't let it get in the way (with the implication being that I am being a precious snowflake).
I accept that this is my first (and last) baby so I am being quite sensitive here...
She also announced to me (while DH was out of the room), that she would be visiting Wales in April to see relatives, and that DH would go along with her for the weekend, alone - without me and the baby. When I asked him about this, he said he knew nothing about it.
AIBU to call her out on being a bit unsympathetic, and (attempting to) dictate whether I attend a family reunion with the baby? Or should I just smile sweetly and continue to tell her to 'eff off' in my head?! Thank you for any advice you can give on 'managing' her.
IME relationships with the mil can often become strained when a baby comes along. Saying nothing could make it worse.
I would probably get DH to speak to his mother just reinforce that you are under consultant care and have been told to take it easy.
He should also mention that he will have a very young baby in April and won't want to leave his family (you and baby) alone so you will be coming or he will be staying home.
Try to just think to yourself water off a ducks back when she makes these comments. If you let it wind you up it becomes worse, to the point where you can obsess over it, trust me.
Tell her that as far as you're aware your consultant is far better educated in these matters than she is, so if it's all the same you'd rather take notice of them and not the shite that she's spouting. In those exact words
I think your DH is the one who needs to start 'managing' her to be honest. He should be reminding her that you're under doctors orders to rest and that just because she was lucky enough to have an easy pregnancy that doesn't mean everyone has the same experience. He also needs to challenge her about this family reunion thing by asking her why she implied that it was all a done deal when she hasn't even mentioned it to him yet etc. Has she just automatically assumed that your DH would go along with her plans and therefore not even felt the need to consult him? Or was she just trying to wind you up?
Some mils can
turn into cunts get a bit crazy when their sons become fathers themselves.
I would just lock my door and not talk to her til a couple of weeks after baby comes along. She's making your situation worse with her selfishness. Why is she dictating what your husband will be doing when he has a new born baby and wife to look after?
Let your dh handle her for now, tell him she's stressing you out and you don't him to go to wales or anywhere else with her. Tell him to keep her away from you while you get through the last few weeks of your pregnancy.
I really hope everything goes ok for you op
Mine went a bit weird when I was pregnant, in fact the whole family were very distant and disinterested. Completely changed when DS was born though and they have been great ever since. I think some in-laws don't really know how to handle their sons partner being pregnant, something to do with not knowing what their role is or just not being that interested until the baby is here. I would give this one time and see how she is after the birth but agree that if there is any 'managing' of the situation to be done then it's your DH who should be doing it.
Thanks so much for your comments, all, they've really cheered me up and given me back a bit of perspective. Like most people, I'm very happy to beat myself up for hours on end about stuff, and her comments got under my skin at a time when I'm already feeling vulnerable (--massively depressed--).
TamaraLamara: your suggestion made me laugh out loud, which was much-needed! I will be keeping that in my back pocket for if/when she decides to dole out advice again!
In terms of the family reunion, I think she's trying to manage how she'd like it to be in advance, and hoping that everyone will just fall into line. She has a habit of bossing friends and family around and being 'the organiser', because she feels no one is as competent as her. It's nice to know I'm not wanted, but then I don't fancy making nice for a whole weekend anyway. The DH won't go alone, he's assured me. So she'll have no darling son to get pissed up with ;)
I agree that the DH needs to step in now and do a bit of challenging of her behaviour. He's a bit of an 'anything for a quiet life' type, but will definitely put me and the baby first. I think maybe once the baby arrives, she will hopefully stop acting so weird. Either that, or start trying to tell us how to parent
I'd tell her that I was going to continue following the qualified consultants advice. I also would say "well DH is unaware that you are assuming he is going with you and leaving us behind."
I'd not tell her anything in future. My MIL is like this, utterly unsympathetic unless the problem is hers. Her standard reply is "oh well never mind" so I don't share anything with her.
How about next time she makes a declaration like that you wait until DH comes into the room and say 'your mother's just been telling me you're going to Wales with her on a weekend alone, do you know about this?' Call her out in front of him.
I hate these 'asides' that people to do try to manipulate others. I have an IL who does this and it really threw me for a while. I told my DH and he suggested I do the above approach. Works well and really embarrasses the people trying to do the manipulation. If she knows this is how you will respond then I bet she'll get the message. Tell your DH that you're going to do it if you don't want to put him in the spot. If he advises against it then you know you've got more work to do with your DH!
I had SVT prior to having DS and was on beta blockers for about 7 months before TTC. I was advised by my Cardio team to come off them if trying for a baby as they can affect the blood supply to the womb. I was ok until I hit about 20 weeks, then I started having regular palpitations again, raising pulse, dizzy episodes, my heart was missing beats etc and so I was put back on my beta blockers and signed off sick for the remainder of my pregnancy.
I think a lot of people thought I was being a bit 'precious' about being signed off sick. I didn't expect sympathy and didn't get it either
Many congratulations and just enjoy your baby when it arrives. Thankfully I had a lovely MIL
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