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DP decides to join army without discussing with me 1st

(64 Posts)
Mybugslife Sat 16-Jan-16 13:27:29

I don't often post on here but I'm just so upset and don't know where to turn.
Bit if background...when I met my DP I had a daughter from a previous relationship, she was 2 when we met. My DP said he was thinking of joking the army right from the beginning and I was fine with it. He tried once but they said he wasn't ready and he should re-apply when he was.
Since that we have been through so much. We had an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in internal bleeding and me nearly loosing my life (because no one believed me for ages). And I lost my right tube. We then got pregnant again and we lost our son at 21 weeks, the whole time I was back and forth to London hospitals for tests and it was just horrendous. And again we lost a baby at 12 weeks a few months after that. We've left it a while and we were just starting to try again, I could potentially be pregnant now and DP just comes out with ''I'm going to re-join the army''.
He'd already decided it while talking to his mum and brother!!! Not to me, not that it's going to change my life or anything. Anyway, we had a huge row about it and other things were bought up, he said loosing our son isn't as hard for me because I already have a child and I just couldn't even look at him!
We calmed down and talked about it all and I said I'd have to re-think trying again if he was joking the army as I don't want to go through everything by myself.
It was left at that and he said he'd think about it but I found out today he sent off the application form and didn't tell me.
AIBU in being really hurt and upset about all this.

Bananasandchocolatecustard Sat 16-Jan-16 13:35:43

u are not be unreasonable. Sounds as if he not as committed to the relationship as you are.

SoWhite Sat 16-Jan-16 14:07:49

Agree with pp. He seems like he sees you as a casual girlfriend for now, and not a life partner.

CrystalMcPistol Sat 16-Jan-16 14:12:00

I'm sorry for all you've been through.

He sounds cowardly to me, he'd rather run away and join the army than have a grown up conversation.

Paintedhandprints Sat 16-Jan-16 14:12:58

He's just not that into you. Sorry op.
I would stop trying for a baby too.
He sounds like he's a bit young too.

scatteroflight Sat 16-Jan-16 14:18:37

The thing he said about losing your son not being as bad for you... Well that takes ones breath away.

I think his attitude here is a worse problem than joining the army. He is severely lacking in compassion and imagination.

mudandmayhem01 Sat 16-Jan-16 14:20:27

You already knew he was going to join the army when you meet him. It will be many months before he actually starts, soldiers have families too, maybe he wants to join the army because he wants to make a good life for you all. Its the lack of communication that's the issue not the joining the army.

AlwaysHopeful1 Sat 16-Jan-16 14:22:18

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through thankshis comment was really cruel. It also seems that he isn't committed to you. It's wrong for him to have sent it without telling you and coming to a decision together.

diddl Sat 16-Jan-16 14:22:57

I'm not sure tbh.

You knew when you met him that this is what he wanted to do.

I do think that he should have told you he was thinking about it again, but it surely can't a complete surprise?

"he said loosing our son isn't as hard for me because I already have a child"

That's what would concern me, though!

Cleensheetsandbedding Sat 16-Jan-16 14:24:21

My BIL is just about to leave the army after 18 and it's certainly took it till on the marriage. The kids are grown up now and have emotionally and physically missed him not being around for long periods. Sil likened it to him being in prison but even allowed the visits. They devorced last year.

Think very carefully if you want to step in to this life it's not an easy one.

icanteven Sat 16-Jan-16 14:24:47

He sounds very young and a little immature - which the army obv. spotted last time. I bet if they knew everything that the two of you had been through in the last year or so, they would send him away again, because it does sound like a slightly panicked reaction. Not that it necessarily means he doesn't truly want to be a soldier, of course, but he sounds a bit like he is trying to get away from the trauma of another pregnancy without facing it properly or approaching it with you.

I wouldn't be looking at trying again if it is likely that you will be alone, and if problems surface again - you may need a lot of support again, and he does not want to provide that. He may just not have the emotional resources to do it again, and as you are not married, he probably feels like he can just walk away and hope that you do his dirty work for him by breaking up with him.

Who was the driving force behind your last three pregnancies and trying again a fourth time?

icanteven Sat 16-Jan-16 14:25:53

"he said loosing our son isn't as hard for me because I already have a child"

That was a really stupid thing to say, and something that really suggests emotional immaturity, rather than being a profoundly bad person.

SixtyFootDoll Sat 16-Jan-16 14:29:53

Whilst I have every sympathy for you, and the awful time that you have had, if this is his 'dream' then I can see where he is coming from.
He isn't committed to you by marriage or by having a child together ( and I can't think how to word it without sounding harsh), so maybe he wants to give it a go before it's too late.
It doesn't mean the end of your relationship, you can be there for him when he is home, you can move with him.
It might be a better relationship if he is happy in a job that he loves.

Nanny0gg Sat 16-Jan-16 14:30:42

How old are you both, OP?

Sidge Sat 16-Jan-16 14:36:56

His comment was hurtful but I read it as a clumsy way of trying to tell you how much he is hurting and grieving. They was his babies too that you sadly lost (and I send you much sympathy, you have both had a terrible time of it) and maybe him joining the army is another clumsy way of showing you that he isn't ready to try again.

It sounds like communication has broken down (assuming you communicate in the first place) and if you are both young and he is wavering regarding commitment, then let him go and join the Army.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 16-Jan-16 14:37:11

It wasn't a nice thing that he said, about losing your babies not being as hard for you as you already have a child, it really wasn't. I can understand where he's coming from with his thoughtless comment though, you've BOTH lost your children. Did you talk about that together, talk through your loss?

It sounds to me as if he's trying to come to terms with who he is and is reverting back to his previous dream of joining the army. Perhaps that will be a very good move for him - and ultimately for you. I wouldn't keep trying for a baby with him without his commitment to being a father. He doesn't sound committed to that right now.

You say that you could 'potentially' be pregnant now. I think you need to do a test and, if negative, make sure that your contraception is in place (for your own sake).

Do you two talk about what you want/hope for the future? His lack of talking to you about his plans to join the army suggest that there isn't enough talking in your relationship and I wondered if that's just him being non-communicative or is it both of you?

Sidge Sat 16-Jan-16 14:37:32

They were, not they was. Damn you no edit function.

WoodHeaven Sat 16-Jan-16 14:44:49

I have no issue with him pursuing his dreams and I'm getting the feeling the OP doesn't either.
However, no one should take such a life changing decision wo talking to their partner first. It doesn't matter if he had talked about it before. He clearly wanted to talk about it but chose to do so with his mother and brother but NOT with the OP.
It's the fact he was happy not to include her that is a major issue.

the bit about 'not being the same'.... Is crap. Really crap. As if losing a child at 21 weeks, nearly loosing your life etc... had been 'easy' for you.
I do take his point in that he is basically saying, 'You have a child whereas what happened means I'm likely to never have one' and I get that, for him, this can be a devastating idea.
It doesn't mean it's OK to minimize your experience of the horrendous time you've had.
Nor does it mean it's OK for him to stop communicating with you.

I'm wondering though if he actually has dealt with the stuff you've gone through and if joining the army isn't a way to escape all the distress (escaping attitude). If that, he isn't likely to want to talk about it with you if he had the feeling you would say 'No, not now. I might be pregnant'. He might also try to avoid to have to deal with all the potential complications coming from you being pg, ie he might want a child but is scared/doesn't want to deal with potential health issues.

mudandmayhem01 Sat 16-Jan-16 14:47:07

I am not saying his comment about losing the baby wasn't tackless, but my male friends lost a baby at 21 weeks. This has had a profound effect on him and he never seemed to get the support and recognition of his grief that his wife had. When two people are grieving it can be hard to support each other and was to slip into" competitive who is hurting the most."

Plateofcrumbs Sat 16-Jan-16 14:47:42

That comment, although grossly insensitive, suggests that he IS hurting after your loses. Some people (often men!) try to suppress pain and grief by diving into something else - in this case joining the army. Not to excuse what he has done.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sat 16-Jan-16 14:51:32

He has been honest from the start re the army, it's obviously important to him.

Whilst his comment was out of order, he may have picked now as needs a break from all the TTC and subsequent happenings. Maybe his heart is not in it but he's going along with it as you want too.

Many people have successful relationships with people with army careers, if it's not something you want now (obviously didn't mind at the start) then be honest and tell him. Up to him then if he sees it being a deal breaker. Curtailing his career will ultimately make him unhappy.

Toffeelatteplease Sat 16-Jan-16 14:51:42

Sometimes there is just too much hurt and water under the bridge.

Noeuf Sat 16-Jan-16 14:53:39

Do you live together,or does he live with his mum and brother?

specialsubject Sat 16-Jan-16 15:07:12

sadly - he's finished with you and doesn't have the guts to tell you. The plan (I suspect) is to make you dump him. I'm not even sure if he's that bothered about the lost babies. Not discussing with you just shouts that you are out of the equation.

sorry for all the losses, but I think it is time to take the hint and move on. If you are pregnant, he'll be liable for financial support. If you aren't, please use good contraception from now on.

Andthentherewasmum Sat 16-Jan-16 15:20:56

* I'm not even sure if he's that bothered about the lost babies.* I think it's pretty out of order to say that! How on earth can you tell from one post whether he is grieving for the lost babies. Talk about sweeping statement.

Op it doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. Maybe his head is all over the place and he's clinging onto a dream that made him feel good about himself. Even if he does join up there is no reason you have to split up. I know plenty of people who joined up whilst in a relationship and are still together after 20 years.

So sorry to hear of your loss flowers people say stupid things when they are hurt. Just keep talking.

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