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To Question SILs Dramatic Demand for DH...

(114 Posts)
RockinHippy Sat 16-Jan-16 11:54:00

To get to MILs house up to an hours drive away "right now" as she is "dying" & then when DH doesn't instantly jump & get there in half that time, rings back screaming at him that the paramedics are "only keeping her alive until he gets there"confusedhmm& having a go as he hasn't left

Surely they would have rushed MIL straight to hospital when they arrived just after MILs neighbour first called them & SIL?? SIL lives much closer than us on quieter roads, so was there in 10 minutes

I feel awful questioning & yes I am worried for MIL, she is ill, does have serious health problems, but SIL has form for doing this. Huge panic & say MIL is dying & DH needs to get there NOW & MIL is ill, needs hospital, but is okay. Sometimes they haven't even taken her in, just stabilised her breathing.

I get that SIL is worried, I get that she lives very close do maybe gets annoyed that she bares the brunt & MIL though lovely, can be difficult. But SIL hasn't yet made any allowance for our own situation, it's just snap fingers & gets very angry if DH doesn't jump (both DD & I ill/disabled, DD currently in a wheelchair & I really needed DHs help today ) & I resent that she seems to want to stress him out as much as possible & then have him driving to get there. If it was the first time, maybe I would be more understanding, but we've had this several times over the last 6 months or so

SIL also rang to have a go at him about something else last night, again irrational ranting, accusing him of leaving something in their storage facilities for over 3 years, when it's not even close to that long, they offered the space for as long as needed & they really do have plenty of space & it isn't in the way. So I'm of a mind that she is feeling unstable in some way at the moment & letting her irrationality tip over & taking it out on DH - then I worry that my instincts on her over dramatics might be wrong & feel bad for MIL confused

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 16-Jan-16 11:58:29

Is she dealing with your mil alone? She sounds incredibly stressed.

honeysucklejasmine Sat 16-Jan-16 12:01:00

Can your DH speak to the paramedics to get accurate information?

I do feel a bit sorry for SIL though. She's obviously struggling.

candykane25 Sat 16-Jan-16 12:02:49

She also needs her brothers support. Losing a parent is a life altering event.
She does sound like she is resentful.
She is undoubtedly very stressed.
When my dad was ill he had four life threatening incidences in the 12 months before he died. We were there for each one. We didn't know how serious each incident one ( they were all very serious btw), that was for the Drs to assess, but we wanted to be by his side for him, so he knew we were there, regardless.
She has to inform her brother of every medical crisis.
Re the storage issue, obviously it is a thorn in her side so shift whatever it is. It's her choice whether it's in her way, not yours.
I am disabled so I understand all too well the pressure your DH is under but possibly he needs to communicate better with his sister, reassure her he is on his way and doing his best.

RockinHippy Sat 16-Jan-16 12:03:54

MILs neighbour & good friends are there too, so no, not really alone, plus she has her own DH, though as lovely as he is with us. I think I might kill him if he were my husband, not the sort of dynamics I could live with in a marriage & I suspect he is a source of a lot of her stress, plus I'm wondering if it could be health related, menopause or thyroid, but you can't suggest that to her

RockinHippy Sat 16-Jan-16 12:08:29

To be clear, DH has gone & fast as he could, but he was asleep when she first rang, so needed to wake up properly before driving & sadly I think he has also gotten a bit used to her over reacting, so took time to eat a bowl of cereal rather than run straight out of the door as she expected (he has done that other times though & MIL has been fine) - which is a worry in itself. SIL has been saying MIL is dying for the last 6 years - she got angry when he asked if he could speak to the paramedics

Sorry, struggling to keep up with posts

RockinHippy Sat 16-Jan-16 12:10:54

Should have added, we both spoke with MIL last night as we do every night & she sounded very chirpy

ImperialBlether Sat 16-Jan-16 12:15:56

I love the idea that the paramedics would keep her alive until your husband arrived - would they then stop all care? Wouldn't they take her to hospital?

She does sound incredibly stressed out and as though she's at the end of her tether. I suppose all your husband can do is stay calm and speak to the paramedics so that he can find out how urgent his attendance is.

Bogeyface Sat 16-Jan-16 12:16:35

Perhaps when this incident is over you should get together with SIL and discuss getting her some help with MIL, and also talk about crying wolf, because one day MIL really will be very ill and you wont take her seriously sad

candykane25 Sat 16-Jan-16 12:17:06

I think it doesn't matter about the friends and neighbours - your husband is the son. Take your SIL out of the equation. Your MIL is having a health crisis. At some point one of these health crisis's may lead to her death. It's not unreasonable to ask your DH to take that seriously.
She's asking for her mothers son.

Cleensheetsandbedding Sat 16-Jan-16 12:20:56

If she is ill he needs to get is arse there. What a twat you will feel if he arrives and his mother is dead. And he will probally never forgive him self if he listened to you and didn't rush.

If you and your daughter are not on deaths door then give SIL a break

Bubblesinthesummer Sat 16-Jan-16 12:21:00

You aren't coming accross very nicely OP.

You're DH DM is maybe dying.

So far you have criticised your SIL, BIL and questioned if she really is ill as she was' chirpy' last night hmm

Your SIL is obviously stressed and maybe needs more support from your DH.

I constantly need my DH help. I am in a wheelchair and need care around the clock.

If his DM was dying whether I need him or not, I would expect him to be with his siblings and DM.

candykane25 Sat 16-Jan-16 12:25:24

I would also suspect your SIL got angry about the request to speak to the paramedics because she feels it means you disbelieve her. There does seem to be an issue of her not being taken seriously.
The crying wolf thing means it is expected she can assess what the outcome will be. Assuming she is not a dr she can't know with certainly. If she said oh I didn't call you because I didn't think it was serious and then it turns out to be very serious, she can't win can she?
As for your MIL being chirpy on the phone, perhaps she's playing things down because she's all too aware of this tension? She might be chirpy but if the friends/neighbours were concerned, then she wasn't ok.
Realistic expectations needs to be agreed upon. A family discussion about expectations and what is actually possible make take some of the tension and stress away.

ovenchips Sat 16-Jan-16 12:27:16

She does sound difficult to deal with, though whether that's because she's a difficult person generally or because it's a direct reaction to the awful situation she's in, I don't know.

What I do know is that it is absolutely between your DH and DSIL to figure out. You can support your DH but it's between them to resolve/ change. Or not!

If I were you I would try to reduce my own emotions/ reactions to the situation and just be there for your DH if he needs it.

thelouise Sat 16-Jan-16 12:38:22

Sorry but you are really being very unreasonable. SIL must be incredibly frightened and want her brother there. So what if she has her husband? It's her brother who is also going to lose a parent.

canyou Sat 16-Jan-16 12:39:18

SIL is in a no win situation. If paramedics are with your mother dealing with her they may not have time to speak to your DH. His wanting to speak to them is so far down their to do list it does not even feature as NOK is there. They have spoken to SIL.
Re MIL being fine on ph my dying DGM was sat up insisting I take my DDad to the pub for dinner and a pint and to bring her back a hot port. She was dead 4 hrs later.
What is the family plan if your DH is called and needs to move asap re your and DD care? He could be gone a while and tbh I would have a plan in place. Re waking up and food, call him hand him a coffee and keep cereal bars and banana in tge house he can eat on the go.
What care and support is in place for MIL and how much falls to SIL? And that means even the basic of popping in to check on her collecting meds etc never mibd housekeeping and food/meals etc.
Move the stuff from their storage it is causing unnessary issues.

thelouise Sat 16-Jan-16 12:39:30

P.S. I recently lost a family member and had several frantic "this is the end" phone calls. She pulled through those times but I'm glad I was there when she and the rest of the family thought her time had come.

Minisoksmakehardwork Sat 16-Jan-16 12:42:01

Hmmm. We have the opposite - mil rang us saying fil wasn't well and his brother (married but no kids) was on his way to take him to hospital. At our insistence she rang an ambulance but 'didn't want to trouble them, they'll be busy!' . Fil was actually having a very serious heart attack and if circumstances had been slightly different, we would have lost him that night. We very nearly did. No one made a fuss but dh got in the car as soon as we knew which hospital he was going to and was there with his brother and mum for as long as they needed to be.

I get that you and your dd are disabled, and perhaps sil has a flair for the dramatic. But she's taken on the lions share of the burden while dh is there for you and his dc. I'm not saying it's wrong, but there does come a time when you have to share dh with his family as they need him too.

Once this particular episode has calmed down I think you all really need to get together and calmly discuss how you are going to manage going forward.

Eg sil rings to say mil is being taken to X hospital, can you please meet us there - not demanding he goes to the house. That way if mil gets kept in, dh can bring sil home.

If an ambulance comes out but does not take mil, the agreement is that she rings dh once everything has settled down and fills him in on what happened. Unfortunately I do agree that if mil is not being admitted, there is little point dh pelting over there. But, you and dh also need to acknowledge that if sil feels it's an emergency situation, her adrenaline will be peaking and she might not think rationally. So when she calls all in a tizz, rather than asking to speak to the paramedics (they'll be busy...) dh reassures sil that mil is being looked after and if she has to go in, refer to earlier statement, find out where and agree to meet there. If she's not going in, a visit at an appropriate time (next day if middle of the night) should be arranged. Allowing you to make arrangements for any care which you and dd need.

Dh and his sister discuss their mother. Make sure everything is ok and that sil can get a break/some rest.

They keep an emergency bag packed with overnight things, toothbrush,
List of medications etc. So it can just be grabbed and no one has to worry about flinging things in a bag or fetching them later if there's an admission. Or if dh has to go past mil's house, he can pick it up if it looks like his mum will be kept in. Alternatively you keep a bag packed for her and dh can take it with him, one less thing for sil to worry about. It doesn't have to be big. Literally enough for one overnight and whoever visits the next day can take anything else needed in.

Have a back up plan in place for any help/support you and dd need. Are there family/friends you can call on if dh has to go and isn't back when you need him?

It shouldn't fall to neighbours to pick up the pieces when family members are available to help. Even if it means a bit of understanding on both sides that 'jump' doesn't mean the other person has to ask how high.

RockinHippy Sat 16-Jan-16 12:42:51

Sorry if I came across badly, I really am concerned about MIL, but also upset that DH was very upset last night as SIL was screaming at him down the phone about something else & then he wakes up to this - I'm also rushing around sorting out getting DD to an appointment & dreading how the hell IM going to manage as I have a bad sciatic flare up & can barely walk, which is probably making me a bit tetchy too

Yes he needs to be there. I have never questioned that, have never even suggested otherwise & certainly didn't question SIL to him, just made sure he got a move on, but calmly as he had to drive on bad roads

When MIL is more I'll, it's very easy to hear in her voice as its her breathing that is affected not that she will give up smoking of course

I am rushing big time right now & the phone keeps ringing, but it has been bloody cold callers all morninghmm

I have to go out, but will reply properly later when I can read properly & not so stressed myself

One thing, I had heart attack episode last week - paramedics couldn't move me yo the hospital fast enough, I was there within 5 minutes, & they had me in the ambulance to start off monitoring me, hence that's why I question SIL as mil is still at home, or was when I posted

Apologies for post & run

Ditsy4 Sat 16-Jan-16 12:43:38

She needs his support because she is stressed and perhaps frightened. Maybe after a crisis and when things are calmer he should go and visit SIL and explain that he will come as soon as possible but the drive takes at least an hour plus traffic changes. Reassure her and suggest paying for some support from a nurse. There are quite a few nurses that have come out of NHS and working in communities supporting people in there own homes. I know of at least three that do this. This would mean
SIL H&S some help and perhaps some to speak to.

I can also appreciate your need too. We had this with MIL when I was going through a difficult pregnancy and birth. Constant calls often over small things that could have waited till the next day butin the end I went to hospital with babying 6mths in the middle of the night and sat with dying MIL because her only child had gone to work( works 360 miles away) I told him he should stay as she was hospitalised. I don't begrudge her that time now as small things were obviously stressing her out. It is wrong of her to say she is dying if she isn't but some people just don't cope well with medical problems. Is it asthma because that is sometimes more frightening for the person watching. I think she is really frightened of her mother dying and needs her brother to be there if the worst happens but I can also see how difficult a time it is for you too.
Only those people that have walked this path can (but won't) critise. Some people on her are being unreasonable it is stressful time for ALL those involved.

TrinityForce Sat 16-Jan-16 12:44:15

Come on, OP.

She thinks her mother is dying (she may well be... paramedics are there?), and her brother has taken his time getting there (he has, he's had a bowl of cereal first shock).

You need some more empathy for your SIL. She may be overreacting, but shit I think I would too.

canyou Sat 16-Jan-16 12:45:48

Sorry that is sounding so harsh but tbh I was the one picking uo care for two elderly DGM as I was closest and now for both MIL and DMum. It pisses me off to be questioned about stuff and I feel if they (siblings/family) want more or things done differently do it themselves as I can only to so much. And yes if I were to ring and say get her now or to xxx hosp I would expect them to come now and not to eat breakfast but then I am known to be level headed and give all the info they need on how urgent it is

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sat 16-Jan-16 12:49:57

It sounds like your SIL has to deal with most of MILs care and is likely exhausted. It's not too much to expect her brother to be at the end of the phone or there when she needs him.

Does he take any of the burden off her so she can have a break?

Waking up slowly, eating cereal etc when his mum could be dying .... Even if SIL has form for over reacting that's quite cold. Most people would grab some clothes and their car keys and be out the door.

Minisoksmakehardwork Sat 16-Jan-16 12:50:55

Sadly different people experience things in different ways and that is colouring your thoughts a little. My fil was kept at home with the paramedics while they worked on him to keep him alive and also while they were waiting to hear which hospital he should be taken to, rather than thrown in the ambulance and sort it out on the way.

Bil popped in the next day to get a few bits and cleared up all the paraphernalia (medical equipment wrappings mostly) and a ripped, blood stained t shirt left behind before mil returned and saw it.

Madbengalmum Sat 16-Jan-16 12:51:05

your SIL sounds like my NC SIL for all of the same reasons, many episodes like this crying wolf and upsetting every member of the family, just to say i feel for you OP, hope all is ok!

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