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to feel like we count too much on my Mum?

(34 Posts)
cjt110 Fri 15-Jan-16 11:43:32

My mum (aged 50) is a fabulous Mum and Grandma. Me and Dh both work full time. DS(17m) goes to nursery 2 days a week and is with my Mum 3 days a week. I often feel guilty and wonder if we rely too much on my Mum. She says she loves having our son when I have asked her if it's too much and that although she does get tired, it's not a problem. I (aged 29) am often shattered after a day at home on my own with my son, let alone being with his Mon, Tues and Fri like my Mum does.

I feel forever guilty but she insists it's not too much. AIBU to always feel like we rely too much on my Mum? That we are forever indebted to her, although she never makes me feel this way herself?

I would love to do something for her to show how grateful we are.

Whatdoidohelp Fri 15-Jan-16 11:57:56

You sound very thoughtful and considerate. How about sending her away to a spa break/day?

DisappointedOne Fri 15-Jan-16 11:58:02

PIL live a long way from us but relatively close to DH's other brothers. When our niece was born they offered to have her when SIL returned to work. Then niece 2 was born. Then niece 3. Then nephew 1. Then nephew 2. In less than 2.5 years they (really just MIL) found themselves looking after 5 children aged 2 and under Mon-Fri, plus 2 nights in the week and at weekends depending on the parents' social lives. hmm. I think there was a spell of 18 weeks where they literally had no time off at all because they didn't feel they could ever say no.

I'd say they've aged 10-15 Years in the last 3. They're knackered, having disturbed nights during these sleepovers. One couple has paid for the off weekend away to say thank you, but it's not enough IMV.

If your mum enjoys it, that's great. If there's no flexibility - is she feels she has to have him even if she feels ill or tired then it probably is an issue.

cjt110 Fri 15-Jan-16 12:11:22

Whatdoidotohelp She wouldnt really go for that kind of thing to be honest. Thats why Im not sure how I could say thank you.

DisappointedOne There isn't any flexibility for 2/3 days she has him as we are both working. On the third day, DH is off on alternate weeks so some weeks she has him, others she doesnt.

seasidesally Fri 15-Jan-16 12:47:53

DisappointedOne blimey thats taking the wiss i cant believe your parents put up with that,5 kids dont the parents think thats unfair and far far to much

seasidesally Fri 15-Jan-16 12:49:46

op it does sound as if your mum truthfully enjoys it

just be aware if she's getting tired,finding it to much

you sound very thoughtful

plantsitter Fri 15-Jan-16 12:50:19

cjt110 I think you are being quite open with your mum and it's up to her to say if she can't do it any more. I suppose you could make doubly sure by saying 'we love you looking after DS but PLEASE say if it ever gets too much.

He'll be off to school soon enough.

lanbro Fri 15-Jan-16 12:55:33

My MIL has my girls 3 days a week, not together but still takes up 3 days of her week. She is 71! I do work on the days she has them but if she can't I don't. She absolutely loves it! She's not well and dh thinks it's too much but we have a deal that I will never stop it so long as she is always honest and tells me if she can't manage. I think it keeps her going and she's making the most before she physically can't

DisappointedOne Fri 15-Jan-16 12:58:38

DisappointedOne blimey thats taking the wiss i cant believe your parents put up with that,5 kids dont the parents think thats unfair and far far to much

My parents wouldn't be such mugs. wink

DisappointedOne Fri 15-Jan-16 12:59:45

DisappointedOne There isn't any flexibility for 2/3 days she has him as we are both working. On the third day, DH is off on alternate weeks so some weeks she has him, others she doesnt.

I personally wouldn't be happy about that.

Osolea Fri 15-Jan-16 13:04:35

If she says she enjoys it and insists it's not too much, then the best thing you can do for he is tell her regularly that you appreciate it.

Accept that she probably really does love being able to be such a big part of her grand child's life, and as your ds gets older, let her continue to be part of the fun stuff, like school plays and that sort of thing.

You could do little things like buy in nice food for her and your ds, buy tickets or pay for nice things for them to do together and ensure she always has what she needs to care for him adequately so that she isn't having to go to any financial expense.

She will know from your attitude whether you appreciate it or you take it for granted, and appreciation is probably all she really wants.

Turquoisetamborine Fri 15-Jan-16 13:06:42

If he's the only grandchild then make the most of it (always asking if it's too much for her). My mam had my son one day a week when I returned to work. He was the first grandchild on both sides. Now there are six so apart from collecting my older one from school once a week my mam doesn't help at all as she feels she can't have all of them.

Better that than do what her sister did and have one grandchild full time when the other one (two daughters who had two kids within the same week) went to nursery full time! She said this was fair because one daughter earned a lot more than the other one.

MLGs Fri 15-Jan-16 13:10:06

Disappointed one that sounds shocking! Your poor PIL!

DorotheaHomeAlone Fri 15-Jan-16 13:10:14

OP my situation is similar. My mum only has dd 1 day a week but also does pick up and holiday care 1 day for my young cousins. She's 59 and very fit and young. It means the world to me that my daughter has this time with my mum. We could afford the additional day (she's with cm 2 days pw) but I love knowing she's with family and seeing how closely bonded they are.

My mum has plenty of money and a nice lifestyle. She would never accept payment and even treating her is hard as she has a wealthy husband who dotes on her already! In fact my daughter often comes home with new clothes, shoes etc!

I've made it very clear that she's to say if it ever gets too much. Other than that i text and tell her regularly how much we appreciate it and what a great job she's doing. We fit around her whenever necessary and give her random little gifts sometimes. I trust her to say if it's too much and I think knowing you're appreciated is the main thing if you're as generous as our mums are! We're very lucky!

DorotheaHomeAlone Fri 15-Jan-16 13:13:24

Meant to say also that my granny had is a day a week when we were little, then later an aunt did pick ups each week. I plan to help my kids the same way if possible so there is a family trend here. Everyone very appreciative and it works for us.

cjt110 Fri 15-Jan-16 13:15:00

Thanks for all your replies. I guess I was just worrying about if I was taking the piss, but having seen some examples above, I definitely am not!

Good idea about tickets etc for them. She always has everything she needs for him from nappies to food. I have ALWAYS insisted that it's not her responsibility to feed him.

Purplecan4 Fri 15-Jan-16 13:18:44

Your mum is a young granny clearly enjoying being with your ds.

I don't think you need to worry as long as you've made it clear that if she is tired or whatever you can easily up the nursery days and reduce hers.

Artandco Fri 15-Jan-16 13:25:02

Could you maybe look at your and dhs job to see if there's any more flexibility? Can one of you leave one hour later in the morning and back an hour later? And swap between you and Dh so one of your leaves earlier and back earlier, and one later? Then she actually would have him an hour or two less each day?

Or maybe once he turns 2 years look at him going into nursery one morning she has him so that's a few hours less for her. If it's one you can drop before work and she collects at midday it means she will only have to collect then so a morning less

cjt110 Fri 15-Jan-16 13:28:33

Sadly neither of those are an option Art And the morning thing - it'd mean her walking for 30 mins to collect him as she doesnt drive sad Though it'd be great if we could.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 15-Jan-16 13:28:40

She sounds happy with the arrangement and you're being considerate. I can't see any problem with it.

2016Hopeful Fri 15-Jan-16 13:31:34

Sounds like she is happy with the arrangement. Also, she is only 50 so could be working, is she OK money wise not to work? I would much rather look after one grandchild than work if I didn't need the money. She is probably having a great time.

The best thing you can do is let her know how much you appreciate it and also spend some nice quality time with her so she doesn't think you only see her for childcare (am a bit guilty of this!).

specialsubject Fri 15-Jan-16 13:49:40

at 50, and if you have the kind of relationship where she doesn't feel trapped (sounds like it) then I'd say carry on. As long as you make it really clear that she can get out at any time. You should have backup plans so she can take you up on that.

she isn't doing nights which is the big thing!

also make clear there's an end to it, which there will be when school comes.

oh, and if she isn't disabled, walking 30 mins should be a non-issue.

ShesGotLionsInHerHeart Fri 15-Jan-16 13:54:26

If it were me, I would tip the balance by having an extra day at nursery and one less with your mum. Then you're relying on her less, but they still get lots of lovely grandparent/child together time.

timelytess Fri 15-Jan-16 13:56:56

Your mum is young. Raising children is not beyond her. She'll tell you when it gets too much.

Hihohoho1 Fri 15-Jan-16 14:08:36

Op sorry your post made me laugh!

She's 50! I am the same she and run a cm business with 4 under 5 and 2 after schoolers full time.

Am going to have my grandson join the crew next year. For free of course.

Being a parent is knackering as you are a parent 24/7.. Looking after children that arnt yours or being a gran isn't any where near as knackering as they go home. grin

You sound lovely but don't start treating your mum like an old lady. She isn't. She's clearly fine.

Seriously I get asked if the kids are mine on many occasions. wink

Mind you I am hot! grin

50 is the new 30 doncha no. grin

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