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AIBU to feel sorry for my brother?

(384 Posts)
Dunkin Fri 15-Jan-16 11:36:36

I've been reading mumsnet for a while so I thought I'd take the plunge and join your little online community!

I want to start off regarding my younger brother. He's a well educated, good looking and fit guy (I'm hardly going to say anything to the contrary! Lol). Anyway, he has informed my mum that he intends to go to the states soon and have children via a surrogate.

The whole thing makes me feel sad. He has no problems attracting good qualify women around his age (32) that could hopefully lead on to more in terms of starting a family but he is adamant that he wants to have children this way. He has severe trust issues around women that I don't understand. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our family. Parents happily married for over 40 years. Me and my two other sisters are happily married with kids also. He has never been cheated on either.

He brings women to family gatherings all the time who seem all doughy eyed about him but he dumps them after a few months. He's never been in a LTR. loads of women mind you, but never anything serious. The surrogacy news has come as a shock to our family - we all think it has to do with him making the decision to retire (he's been very very successful working in finance at a young age).

I did manage to speak to him earlier this morning. He seems to be hung up on how a woman will take all his money and turn him in to a weekend dad - stories planted in his head by divorced older colleagues and friends who have been cheated on in marriage.

So my question is how do I get him to take step back and help him get over his fears about women? How do I get him to understand that women that mess you about are in the minority. Am I wrong to feel that a child needs a mother in his/her life as well as a father? Thanks in advance.

Yambabe Fri 15-Jan-16 11:42:08

You don't.

Is he gay? I have a relative (now mid 40s) who is in a similar position re lots of nice gfs but no LTRs. He's not out, although he he has spoken to a few friends and family about it. Says it would kill my uncle if he came out so he will wait til he's no longer around.

Would it be an issue for your family if he was?

MultishirkingAgain Fri 15-Jan-16 11:43:01

I know he's your brother, so this will sound harsh, but he really DOESN'T sound like good husband or father material. He sounds sexist at best; at worst, quite misogynist.

DawnOfTheDoggers Fri 15-Jan-16 11:44:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eatingworms Fri 15-Jan-16 11:45:59

I was also going to ask if he might be gay. My first thought.

Melonaire Fri 15-Jan-16 11:46:26

If he feels like that about women I hope he doesn't have a girl.

Babycham1979 Fri 15-Jan-16 11:47:11

I know he's your brother, so this will sound harsh, but he really DOESN'T sound like good husband or father material. He sounds sexist at best; at worst, quite misogynist.

Jesus Christ! If this was a post about the OP's sister, you'd be reacting with sympathy and encouragement. Give the poor guy a break for fuck's sake!

He probably is gay, though!! hehe

Melonaire Fri 15-Jan-16 11:47:42

Actually, I hope he doesn't raise a son to think like that about women either.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Fri 15-Jan-16 11:48:07

He sounds like a complete commitment-phobe. I have a friend like that, very similar circs, no 'real' reason for it but a string of (perfectly lovely) girlfriends.

He just can't get over the idea that there may be some nicer sweeties left in the shop.

I'm not sure if someone like that is good husband/father material tbh. At least if he has a child on his own he can't leave the child behind with its mother when the next woman catches his eye?

Or he's gay.

Arfarfanarf Fri 15-Jan-16 11:48:55

I agree. I would hate to think he would raise a child with his views on women.

BarbarianMum Fri 15-Jan-16 11:49:12

You don't. Not your circus, not your monkeys. More and more people are choosing to become single parents using donor eggs/sperm for a variety of reasons. However one might disapprove it is a personal decision.

PennyHasNoSurname Fri 15-Jan-16 11:49:33

Well if it were your sister and she wanted children, was financially sound, had taken early retirement and was 32 and desperate for a child and planned this method what would you advise?

It sounds like he has a lot of time and resources to spend on a child and love to give them. Just because he doesnt want to settle down and marry should he then not be able to become a parent?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 15-Jan-16 11:50:19

Could he be gay? Your post screams this to me........or asexual

If he was heterosexual this scenario seems highly unusual

antimatter Fri 15-Jan-16 11:51:17

I think there's more to it.

Did he ever look after a small child on his own?

has he actually ever been properly single or does he need attention to women to feel valued?

Dunkin Fri 15-Jan-16 11:52:57

Wow. Quick responses.

He's definitely not gay. Is he a misogynist, ummm, I wouldn't say so. He's a self declared feminist. One of his good friends found out his wife was cheating years ago and was pregnant by another man. They ended up getting divorcees and his friend ended up getting access to the daughter they already had every other weekend. The friend in question has moved on and has remarried. I think it rocked my brother more then it did his friend! Add to this all his trader colleagues whom have planted god knows what in his head.

He only let my mum know early this morning. Mum is going to get dad to have man to man chat with him to try to get to the bottom of this. I suggested he try therapy to get over his issues. My sisters and me are having dinner with him tonight to see if we can get to the bottom of this new found desire to be a solo parent. Will post back soon. Have to go round to see mum who is distraught about the whole situation.

cleaty Fri 15-Jan-16 11:53:39

I would worry about someone with these issues having a child.

cleaty Fri 15-Jan-16 11:56:05

Children learn from their parents how to have a good relationship (hopefully). His child will simply learn that women can not be trusted and that relationships are to be avoided. That seems like it is setting them up for an unhappy life. I think he needs to tackle these issues.

GoblinLittleOwl Fri 15-Jan-16 11:56:06

I would wonder why he wants to have children, as he seems to fight shy of long-term commitment with either sex. It sounds as though he is trying to buy affection; he certainly isn't suitable single-parent material.

ohdearlord Fri 15-Jan-16 11:57:03

He sounds very, very independent. And reluctant to relinquish control over his life. Which is absolutely his right but entirely incommensurable with having children - by whichever route.

I don't think you're wrong to have your views about children needing both parents, in the sense that you're entitled to have whatever opinion you choose. I don't think it's reasonable to try to impose them on him though. If it's not his view that's his look out.

If it's all a smokescreen for sexuality that's a whole other kettle of fish. If it is a personality/control issue though I think fatherhood, especially single fatherhood, would be very difficult for him.

FoxesSitOnBoxes Fri 15-Jan-16 11:57:50

I'd probably be recommending that he has some counselling to work out his relationship problems/sexuality rather than have children in this way.
I agree that passing on his mistrust to his children would be very unhealthy for their future relationships with women and not particularly fair on them

WizardOfToss Fri 15-Jan-16 11:58:20

What on earth is a 'good quality' (assume that's what you meant) woman?

That aside, he's certainly got some strange ideas. I'd question if he's ready to be a father tbh. Though not sure there's anything you can do, other than tell him your opinion if asked for it, and support him in whatever he does.

steakpunararemediumwelldone Fri 15-Jan-16 11:58:46

'Mum is going to get dad to have man to man chat with him to try to get to the bottom of this. I suggested he try therapy to get over his issues. My sisters and me are having dinner with him tonight'

I cannot imagine why he could possibly have a fear of having a family then.

Also you cannot say he is definitely not gay. Only he knows that. Although he sounds nothing like a feminist to me. Either way it is his life and you should leave him alone.

Oakmaiden Fri 15-Jan-16 11:59:39

Thing is, everyone has issues, and no-one is an ideal parent.

He has as much chance of doing a good enough job as anyone on here has.

expatinscotland Fri 15-Jan-16 12:01:41

At his age, I would tell my sibling or my parents to mind their own fucking business if they 'tried to get to the bottom of this' or meddled in my affairs like that, told me I needed therapy for how I feel about having a family, suggested I was too weak to know my own mind and my friends had influenced me, etc. Bad idea. It's not your business.

And he may well be gay. You can't say for definite.

Dunkin Fri 15-Jan-16 12:02:24

I meant good quality women in that of a similar education and career level who would make (IMO anyway) a good wife/mother.

He is really independent. However this fear he has of being "shafted" by a woman is what scares me and my family. There has never been any shafting in our family! So what has gotten in to his head?

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