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To be upset at how these friends have behaved?

(158 Posts)
Kitonian Thu 14-Jan-16 22:51:13

I have been friends with 3 other mums from my DD's school for several years. I will call them A, B and C. We have, for the past couple of years met for lunch once a month and also occasionally gone out for meals/drinks in the evening.

A is quite a negative person and seems to see the worst in people and has had a lot of fallings out in the past with others. Two months ago our DDs had a bit of a falling out at school. It only lasted a week, at the most (they are 8) and then they were friends again.

During this time, friend A:

Deleted me from an ongoing Facebook chat that the 4 of us had to keep in touch with each other.

Deleted and blocked me on Facebook.

Sent me a text saying she was not willing to spend anymore time with me or speak to me again due to the girls falling out, and that I was not welcome at our next planned lunch for the following week.

I replied to her and said that it was a shame that she wanted to fall out over the girls having a spat, but said I would be willing for us to meet with the girls if she wanted to try to sort things out between them. She replied again saying that I was deluded and to fuck off and that she was blocking my number on her phone.

I was upset but decided she couldn't have been much of a friend, but wanted to still be friends with B and C. I sent a text to both of them saying that A was upset with me over a falling out our girls had and had told me she would never speak to me again and wasn't welcome at lunch, but that I would like to keep in touch with both of them and perhaps the 3 of us could have lunch at some point to catch up.

Both sent me texts in reply along the vein of they don't want to get involved and that A was very upset etc. Neither of them said that they would like to meet up with me again. It was just kind of accepted as a given that I had been turfed out of the group. I presumed that they wouldn't go to lunch with A either, but no, the lunch the next week that I was uninvited to still went ahead, as they posted on FB about it on the day!

AIBU to not particularly give a shit about A given her behaviour, but to be very disappointed with B and C? I didn't expect them to get involved, just wanted to try to keep in touch with them and to let them know what had happened. If they see me at school they are both nice and polite with me but quite cool, it's clear their loyalties lie with A. I guess I just thought they would see it more objectively and also I thought they liked me and valued me as a friend but they clearly didn't if they are just willing to drop me on another person's say so?

LaurieFairyCake Thu 14-Jan-16 22:53:08

Yeah, you've been Wendied

Drop the lot

theycallmemellojello Thu 14-Jan-16 22:53:46

I'd take it at face value and accept they don't want to get involved. Going for lunch the three of you looks like getting involved to me. See them individually. It's a shitty situation though.

BumWad Thu 14-Jan-16 22:54:12


Best rid unfortunately flowers

LeaLeander Thu 14-Jan-16 22:54:21

I would feel the same as you.

And they are disingenuous in saying they "don't want to get involved." In that case they wouldn't want to lunch with A either.

Sounds like they are immature and you are well rid of them but I am sure it still stings a bit.


Kitonian Thu 14-Jan-16 22:54:35

Yeah but they went for lunch just the three of them with A, jello.

honeyroar Thu 14-Jan-16 22:55:21

Yanbu at all! What are they, ten year olds!?? Why did A get so upset? Did your daughter stab hers during their row or something (joke). Be disappointed but also be aware that they weren't real friends.

TurnOffTheTv Thu 14-Jan-16 22:55:33

Wendy for sure!

LyndaNotLinda Thu 14-Jan-16 22:56:40

Yuck. This me to find new friends. Sorry this has happened sad

knobblyknee Thu 14-Jan-16 22:57:04

YANBU and thats a crappy example to set the kids. brew

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 14-Jan-16 22:57:21

Maybe A has a point and B & C genuinely feel their loyalties lie with her.

It is possible. What was the falling out and how was it handled? That might give you more of a clue.

patientzero Thu 14-Jan-16 22:57:32

Feel for you as I've been Wendied recently. Still have to see them all at work and I'm finding it quite difficult!

Baressentials Thu 14-Jan-16 22:57:33

They were never proper friends. A horrible thing to realise so flowers to you op. I can imagine it hurts a lot.

CFSsucks Thu 14-Jan-16 22:58:05

B and C have shown you who they are. Delete them from FB and don't bother with them at all from now on. A is a twat.

A similar thing happened to me. A friend less aged me listing all the things I had apparently done wrong and the issues she had with me. I said I guessed the rest of the group felt the same (they tend to be sheep) and she said she was only speaking for herself. Cue me not hearing from the rest and being excluded from everything from then on. Clearly they were siding with her, over a non existent issue. I hadn't actually done anything wrong. She was pissy and took it out on me, she even admitted she was hormonal.

I deleted her from FB and don't really see the rest. When they see me they tend to be friendly and chatty but they have shown me who they are by completely excluding me on one persons say so.

CFSsucks Thu 14-Jan-16 22:59:25

A friend messaged me.

Kitonian Thu 14-Jan-16 22:59:43

The falling out was just two 8 year olds not playing with each other for a few days, can't even remember what it was over.

I can't see why their loyalties would lie with A tbh, most people don't tend to gang up on others regarding kids falling out at school.

updownnconfused Thu 14-Jan-16 23:01:36

That's really horrible for you, sorry. I agree with the others - drop the lot of them and don't look back.

Kitonian Thu 14-Jan-16 23:01:36

Exactly, CFS. B and C have totally excluded me on A's say so

WiIdfire Thu 14-Jan-16 23:02:10

Hold on, have you asked B&C to lunch? You seem to have decided that they have sided with A because they lunched with her, but if they are remaining neutral then they will be happy to lunch with both of you separately. Surely it's worth specifically inviting those two to lunch and putting them on the spot to decide rather than just assuming?

Kitonian Thu 14-Jan-16 23:03:02

Yes I have, WiIdfire, as I said in my OP

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 14-Jan-16 23:03:15

OK, but how was it handled?

A clearly thinks you handled it badly and it would seem that B & C agree with her.

Is that something you could look at to move on from this?

timemaychangeme Thu 14-Jan-16 23:04:36

YANBU. Very immature to have such an extreme reaction to kids falling out. Kids are ALWAYS falling out. It's hurtful behaviour and you deserve better and less childish friends.

Purplehonesty Thu 14-Jan-16 23:07:03

It happened to me last year too.

A friend totally blanked me at a party and when I emailed her later to see what was going on (she wouldn't answer my calls) she said I had been talking about her and didn't feel she could trust me.
She wouldn't elaborate other than to tell me how awful I was and I knew I hadn't talked about her so I let it go.
Cue the rest of the group gradually edging away from me and now I am excluded from everything they do together.
It's gone from seeing them twice a week or more to nearly six months since I saw them.
I was so upset at the time but then I realised that had they been proper friends they wouldn't have done that to me.
I had to move on, I'm not good in a group I guess so now I have a couple of close friends and that's it.
I stay away from all the drama and whilst it stil occasionally hurts when I think about it I just get on wih it.
Sorry you are going through it too.

Kitonian Thu 14-Jan-16 23:07:47

There was nothing to 'handle badly' MilkTwoSugars!

I wasn't even aware of the falling out until she messaged me. I suggested meeting up with the girls so they could sort things through and got the nasty message back saying I was deluded and to fuck off! Quite how I handled that badly or how two others totally unconnected with it could think I handled it badly is beyond me! And in any case, it would have been nicer for them to get my side of things properly rather than just deciding from A that I had handled it badly.

Kitonian Thu 14-Jan-16 23:09:02

Purplehonesty, that's awful! Some people are just total bitches and total sheep too! I would never just drop someone as a friend on someone else's say so regardless of what the other person said they had supposedly done as there are always two sides to every story.

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