To be Seriously Dreading This??! (Long wedding one!)

[Eeeek686]

Name changed as pretty identifying but really want opinions on this as not sure how much my opinion is clouding facts (as usual!).

DPs brother is getting married in august this year, DP is Best Man and we have all been invited - me, DD(3) & DS(1) & DP, obviously - to the Happy Event with a lovely lodge laid on for us, to be shared with DPs DSis and her partner who we get on well with (although they don't have kids so obviously have a slightly different perspective on life!).... The wedding is quite small, around 50 people, and DPs family (he has two brothers and a sister), especially MiL and FiL, are all v.excited at the lovely family time to come (first wedding in the family, DD & DS are only grandchildren), they all love the kids, & seem to quite like me too.... :)
So far so good.

Now the tricky bits...
Fistly, The wedding is in a place that is quite far away - as in, in the UK but (for us) either At Least a 14+ hour drive (not including stops) with a 1.5hr ferry, or a 2hr flight with car hire at airport followed by 4hr drive (we live 20 mins from local airport our end, so prob a £20 taxi). My objection to this is the horrendous (either way!) travelling time & hassle with 2 tiny ones, plus the cost is prohibitive for us - will cost about £475 for flights alone (we are swinging toward flying), plus car hire and fuel, extra baggage, etc.

Secondly, the wedding is taking place over 3 days; noone is quite sure what's happening over the three days yet but accommodation has been booked for everyone for the duration... general consensus is a lot of it is probably just about making sure everyone is there and relaxed for the Big Day due to the fairly isolated location, and ditto, that there must be stuff laid on but noone knows for sure! My objection to this is I will be pretty much solely in charge of the littlies the whole time as DP has a habit of reverting into "childhood family" mode when with his family, ie just ends up chatting shit with his siblings and playing around, and enjoying getting fussed over by MiL (he was her pfb and clearly still is)... Also, as Best Man he will have lots of duties as well, won't he?? He says this won't happen but he said that at Christmas and (even when clearly Not a Best Man) the same still happened... I can chivvy him but will basically spend 3 days feeling alternately stressed and irritated... MiL is often (too!) keen to help but again, I feel she will be distracted being Mother of the Groom, plus they have invited friends of theirs to the wedding so will be otherwise distracted! The whole 3 day thing for us all will also ramp up the cost, IMO.

Thirdly, although I am pretty good at hiding this I suffer from occasional anxiety and ocd which has got worse since having the kids.... This isn't helped when with inlaws by MiL being a typical Matriarch and always trying to "coordinate" & "guide" the kids, us, and often both.... so am feeling a mild sense of dread at the whole prospect! This could probably be quashed in the absence of first and second issues but combined.... :O

So's not to drip feed: money worries are definitely an Issue with us at the mo as We've recently lost some income (not much but enough to cause is to have to tighten purse strings) so this seems an obvious cost-cutting area (have hardly any savings between us, what we have we are going l saving towards starting our own business next year); DP is also going on the stag do, which is a long weekend in Portugal!!! See above... We couldn't go for longer and try make a holiday of it (even if we could afford it) as DPs job is v.season related and is going to be hard enough taking 3 days off in august as it is!

OK, my Aibu - to tell DP to go on his own, obviously!!

[Birdsgottafly]

There's no harm in bringing it up, talk through the cost etc.

However, it's a siblings wedding, it's a big deal, an effort should be made and costs occur when it's family occasion, that's how it is.

[Bunbaker]

I don't think it is at all unreasonable for your husband to go on his own given your circumstances.

Why on earth do people choose really remote locations to get married in and then get the hump because people can't make it to their wedding?

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I think it sounds like a lovely albeit hectic wedding.

Family will help with the children and dh will have to pull his finger out and help with his kids. In time you might regret not being there, if that's what you decide to do.

I'd go in your position.

[SummerDreams13]

Ugh, I feel for you as it sounds so like my in law situation but I agree with Birds above - things like this do stick in people's minds and, if they're anything like my lot, even if they say they understand and accept your reasons, they may well not. I would say this is one of those unfortunate things that you need to 'suck up' as part of being an in law. But def get your DP to get clarity in advance on what you'll be expected to pay for and maybe try and talk to MIL to see if there's a defined time she can look after the kids to give you a break?

[yakari]

hmm normally I say if a bride and groom choose a wedding that inconveniences others (child free, location whatever) then they just have to accept that some people won't come. But if I read this right they are laying on the lodge so have funded your accommodation - which indicates they are aware of the inconvenience and cost and trying to help. So I'm a little more sympathetic.

The big thing for me is it sounds like a tight family - you spent Christmas with them, sharing a lodge with DH's Sister and get on well, think MIL likes you. If you don't go - even for the most logical reasons - I suspect this will cause a rift and all that loveliness will disappear. For this reason alone I think you need to work out a way to go and minimise the pain.

So start working out what will make it easier. Flights can family contribute as birthday presents or can DH speak with his parents about them helping? Does he have to do the stag do - or could they have a separate night out locally? The time with the kids - whats near by? If its a lodge is it standalone or part of a group with playgrounds near by etc? Can you agree a specific time where DH comes to take over to give you a break ie when the smallest one naps can he also look after the oldest?

[girlywhirly]

It's clear that your biggest worry is that you can't afford the cost of travelling to this wedding. Is there a reason why it's taking place so far away, is it where the bride was born for example?

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I feel for you. I have a,similar situation although it is compounded by my MIL being not very pleasant and our D.C. not being invited to the wedding (they are all 3 and under!) Which is causing issues in itself. We also have the ridiculous foreign trip abroad which is on a bank holiday so even more expensive.

DH and I have set a budget for the whole thing so you should discuss that and I'm poo t blank not going on the foreign trip.

I've also.said I can't commit to going until I see how things are with my youngest who will only be 9 months old at the time of the wedding. I don't know if I can and want to leave her for two nights.

You're issue is more complicated by the fact that your D.C. are invited. That being the case, as long as you can suck it up, I think know you probably need to go.or their will be ructions. However, I would be quite form with DH about helping and ask him in front of collector come and do the baths etc

[Heebiejeebie]

It would be massively unreasonable.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

As said ^ you need to discuss childcare with dh beforehand and make sure he doesn't revert back to pfb and forget he's got his own kids to help you with.

[allnewredfairy]

I'd go. It's a family wedding so you're obliged. If my huband decided he didn't want to go to my sibling's wedding I'd feel really disappointed.
Weddings do tend to be fraught and lovely in equal measure. You'll probably have a fab time!

[OllyBJolly]

I think YABU tbh.

It's his brother's wedding, a one off (hopefully), and they are putting a lot of effort into this being a nice family event. You say three days so I'm guessing 2 nights - day before, wedding day, day after.

I would think it would put a real blight on the day not having groom's brother's family there, especially as you seem to get on so well. I would talk to DH before hand and tell him you expect his support and he can't abrogate his responsibilities to you and the kids.

Yes, it's a lot of money but an event worth making a few sacrifices for. I have sympathy for your anxieties but in this case I think you have to find some coping strategies to make it all work.This is the kind of occasion you put DH's family first.

[theycallmemellojello]

Sorry I think yabu. Its a close family wedding, and even if you don't care your kids should be able to go and be part of the family event. It's annoying the wedding is far away, but unless your circumstances are really straitened then you have plenty of time to plan for the cost. Since it's so far, you'd have to stay over anyway, 3 days seems like a fine amount of time. You should find out if you're expected to pay for the room - it would be fine to sort out alternative cheaper accommodation if necessary. I think that as it's your DH's brother's wedding and he is best man it is not u for you to do most of the childcare. Discuss expectations in advance. But if you decline offers of help from mil I don't think it's reasonable to demand dh helps instead iyswim. As for the anxiety, I'm sorry for that, but it's not a reason to make your dh feel bad about attending his db's wedding. I guess just plan in advance for the anxiety, think of strategies to help with tough situations. The stag do is tougher - does it have to be Portugal? Really depends how tight things are. I think if kids are going with out stuff it's u for him to go, but otherwise he should prob attend.

[potoftea]

I think you have to go and have the dc there for this big family event really, although I really sympathise with you.
My dh is always "lost" to me among his family and I find it lonely, so would hate it too. The usual non verbal communication between us seems to dry up and dh is on a different wavelength to usual when with his family, so shared parenting became more difficult.
I don't know what to advise because he probably has no idea that he is in anyway different from normal, and in my case, talking it through in advance never helped.
So I've no help for you, but lots of sympathy, sorry.

[diddl]

Well, I don't think that you have to go tbh.

Sounds a lot of hassle to getthere to by car to be then left as childcare.

If you can't really afford the flights then he should go alone.

Could he not go on the stag do so that you ould all fly?

[HortonWho]

If money is an issue, he doesn't go to Portugal for stag do!

It's the wedding that's important not a party for the groom beforehand... And given how small the wedding is, you will definitely be missed so the cuts should be elsewhere.

I think you will feel less anxious when you have an itinerary for the 3 days. I would set up a schedule and specifically "book" when dp and mil take charge of the kids so you're not in sole charge for 3 days. If any relatives live near you, I'd also ask them to carry up with them some toys and games for your kids, so you have less luggage to deal with when traveling.

[ProfGrammaticus]

It's a family wedding so I think you have to go. The problem is your DP being crap when he is with his family and you need some ground rules about this otherwise you will be stuck with this nonsense throughout the whole of their childhoods.

[Goingtobeawesome]

If you can convince yourself you will insist on help when you need it, then maybe it will be okay.

DH - you don't ask him to help. You remind him he is equally responsible for his children and while he may have best man duties, you are not caring for your joint children the whole time alone.

MIL - if she tries to micro manage you or the children ask her if she'd like one to one time with the DC and then go off and have a coffee in peace.

[Eeeek686]

Thanks for views - I have a somersaulting stomach as it's currently swinging toward me BU!

Firstly though, a few clarifications:
We Do Not have the money, no question, we are barely able to cover living costs atm and are having to forego normal stuff currently (ie booze and trips out, mostly - not starving!); there is a chance DP may get a small bonus by the summer and this will be used to pay for the stag do which (at 3 nights partying in Portuguese capital in august) is going to be at least £5-600... Don't know how we will get the rest of the money? I (we are not married) have around £3k in personal savings which DP vaguely knows about but this is back up money and untouchable (I have had it since before we met and DP wouldn't even think of asking!). Apart from that think DP has a couple hundred tucked away? Nowhere near enough!

The wedding is 3 nights so would be 4 long days in total.

Another thing adding to my protest (& tbf, resentment) is that we had been talking about getting married ourselves this year but have had to shelve the idea as couldn't think of a way to do it affordably that would make it a nice time for everyone (all ideas looked like adding up to around £2k), plus we decided we should put any money we could get together towards our business proposition... This whole wedding will potentially cost (including stag do) around £1300....

[ricketytickety]

Travelling on a flight then four hours in a car with little ones does not sound good. I would not want to go either. They chose to have it far away, that's the consequence - some people won't be able to make it. Let them know sooner rather than later. Depends on their personalities how they would react.

[choli]

Ditch the stag do. Attend the wedding. This one is really not about you.

[Ipsos]

I've been in a similar situation and just not gone. Obviously ideally you'd go but life is not ideal. If you say that it sounds lovely but your family just cannot manage something like that then they also have the choice to adjust the plans. If they really really wanted you there they would have checked and taken account of your needs. I know I did with my most important people when we organised our own wedding.

[badg3r]

I think you need to go. Decide how much money you would be happy to spend for everything, gift, accom, travel, then see how much more than that it will cost. That is the number to fret about! Could you ask dh family to help you out with the difference?
Tell it straight to dh about childcare. Guessing it's v rural so can you extricate yourself for an hour a day to have a walk by yourself, nap, read a book etc? Knowing you have an hour by yourself might help keep your spirit up! But as p.p. said, in the long run to keep the peace I think you need to go. 50 us a small wedding so your absence will be v obvious. Dc will probably have a lovely time too and love looking back on the photos when they're older.

[YouBastardSockBalls]

YABVU

It's his brother's wedding - of course you and your children need to go.
They've laid on a lot for you, and by the sounds of it are all looking forward to the family time.
If money's a problem wouldn't they help you out?

Imagine if it were your sisters wedding, you were chief bridesmaid, your family had paid for a lodge and were all excited about it, and then your DH refused to come and refused to let the children go.

So yes, it's massively unreasonable.

[Bunbaker]

I agree that if you can't afford it then the stag do has to go.

[Eeeek686]

To add: I'm not proposing DP misses either event!! Just that he goes to both by himself. He would No Way sacrifice the knees up in Portugal, the brothers have talked of nothing else since it was first decided on.....