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my friend and I

(10 Posts)
MysticMugBug Wed 13-Jan-16 23:07:46

When I was at uni my friend really pushed me to lose my defence mechanism and to be a kinder person.
I was and am wholeheartedly a kind, caring person, but I developed this hard exterior to stop me being hurt due to my sensitive personality.
I confused 'not caring what other people think' with 'not caring about other people's feelings', but she was tough with me (quite rightly, despite me thinking differently in the initial stages) and told me I had to stop being so ruthless and to respect others.
To give background, I was bullied mercilessly at school and had very low self esteem. I wasn't sure what was reasonable with regards to how other people treated me. People at school took advantage of my kind heart and I took drastic measures because I didn't forever want to be treated as a mug.
I now live by the rules she suggested and am now much better for it, BUT I think that I need to not take crap from people and understand where I am and am not being unreasonable. However I want to be seen as a nice, rational person at the same time.
Being able to talk about problems I come across is the ideal action, but we all know that sometimes it doesn't work out that way or I back out of the situation because I feel awkward or uncomfortable. I'm getting better at it, though.
I want to be able to retain my loving personality whilst having a backbone.
How do I do this without making the same mistakes in the past?
Also, sadly said uni friend has unfirended me recently on Facebook after seeing me at a social gathering with mutual friends.
I mentioned in conversation while there that I went 'skip diving' in supermarket bins.
She proclaimed that is is illegal activity, which is the only reason that I can imagine she decided to break contact via social media.
It hurts that she made this decision because I made it known to her that I was very thankful for her help in making me a better person and her opinion matters to me.
Can you help with both these issues?

awkwardas78 Wed 13-Jan-16 23:44:21

Why do you go skip diving?

MysticMugBug Wed 13-Jan-16 23:47:23

because I am poor (no kids to worry about feeding poisoning)
I hate food waste as well.

OhSoGraceful Wed 13-Jan-16 23:47:40

Why do supermarkets throw out perfectly usable food? That's why people skip dive HTH.

OhSoGraceful Wed 13-Jan-16 23:52:15

Mystic - does your friend demonstrate herself the values of being kinder? Sometimes I think you can spend forever second guessing yourself, I'm too much of a walkover I need to toughen up, I'm too harsh I need to be more tolerant... somewhere in the middle you are probably just fine.

littlemermaid80 Thu 14-Jan-16 08:41:11

I wouldn't drop a friend for going "skip diving." Are you sure that's her reasoning?

pilates Thu 14-Jan-16 08:50:37

I wouldn't drop a friend either for "skip diving". I think there is more to this and, if it bothers you, why don't you phone her and ask if you have offended her in any way?

mommy2ash Thu 14-Jan-16 09:35:03

Op in the nicest possible way you can't mould your personality based on the opinions of others. If there is something in your life you are unhappy about work towards that change for yourself. How close were you with this friend who Unfriended you?

redexpat Thu 14-Jan-16 11:51:22

YANBU to feel hurt. But as pp said, you need to like yourself and be happy in your own skin. Until that happens, relationships just wont work.

I would recimmend reading a couple of books on assertiveness. Perhaps start with nice girls dont get the corner office. Thats more work based.

redexpat Thu 14-Jan-16 11:51:54


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