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Do special occasions have to be shared out fairly?

(13 Posts)
Exhausted01 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:24:05

NC for this so as not to out myself with other family members.

When me and DH got married we agreed that we'd spend alternating Xmas and Easter with each set of parents. We told them this but said when we had kids, this would change and we would do whatever suited us best. I am an only child, DH isn't but his parents don't see their other 2 children for various reasons so essentially he's like an only child.

We now have our DD so as previously stated all prior agreements have come to an end in regards to sharing Xmas and Easter equally. This year it was due to be DHs parents Easter. Up until a couple of days ago we hadn't discussed where we were spending Easter. We then get an invite from a Uni friend of mine who's getting married on 26th March 2.5 hours away (near where my parents live) When I look at the calendar I realise this is the day before Easter, also my DFs birthday happens to fall on Easter Sunday. Mentioned this to DH tonight saying I'd really like to go to the wedding (missed engagement party because DH was being a PITA) and also it works out nicely that my Dads birthday is next day. However this means we won't be spending Easter with his parents. Cue the sulking......

Now I'm upset with him for the following reasons:

1. He seems to have gone back on our agreement that we do our own thing when DCs come along....he wants to stick to the original thing of alternating so as not to upset his DM.
2. He acted like a child when we were meant to go to engagement party (he didn't want to go as he doesn't like to socialise) and pretended to be ill so we couldn't go. After an argument back then he promised me he would come to the wedding....he now seems to want to back out.
3. He always insists on seeing his parents twice for their birthdays, once on their actual birthday and once on the nearest weekend. I haven't seen my parents on their birthdays for the last 2 years (due to distance and work commitments - they both still work as they are still pretty young). Yet DH thinks we should prioritise his parents getting Easter over seeing my Dad on his birthday.
4. I know for a fact he doesn't want to spend Easter with his parents because he enjoys it but because his DM will sulk if we don't. Therefore I don't see why emotional blackmail should take preference over having an enjoyable weekend with my family/friends.

AIBU? Quite expecting to get flamed if I am.

TMIFriday Wed 13-Jan-16 20:29:11

Do you both have to go?

Oldraver Wed 13-Jan-16 20:29:51

I would tell him I was going to the wedding and he was welcome to join you for the weekend. But he can got to his folks if he wishes

DefinatelyAfatb0tt0medGirl Wed 13-Jan-16 20:30:32

He is being a dick you are being normal. Would dd stay with your Mum and Dad while you go to the wedding; then you could spend sometime with them later?

MrsH1989 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:31:31

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Unless you are religious, most people just swap eggs on easter sunday and IME don't "celebrate" it the same as they do xmas. In these cases birthdays trump Easter. Could you offer them xmas instead?

BackforGood Wed 13-Jan-16 20:32:36

Of course YANBU.
A wedding would take presidence over a 'visit for a weekend' anyway, as you can still visit the parents on any other weekend in the year, but this will (hopefully!) be the couple's only wedding!

It doesn't ever work out you can do exact alternating and equal amount of time spent with them anyway, for all sorts of reasons, you just ensure, over time, it is "about" fair that is if they are as nice as each other.

Exhausted01 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:34:17

Thanks everyone. Have told him I'm going for the weekend and taking DD to stay with my parents, he can do what he likes. He doesn't want to miss DDs first Easter so guess he will come but I know he won't be happy about it. Sigh.....

Notimefortossers Wed 13-Jan-16 20:40:21

I feel for you OP. My DH pulls this sorta crap all the time too. We've been together 9 years and our oldest DC is 7, so I'm far enough down the line that I just bugger off without him now. And all n' sundry know that he's a miserable unsociable bastard. It works for us. Lol

junebirthdaygirl Wed 13-Jan-16 20:45:58

Surely as an adult he can see that each event should be taken on its own merit. A wedding supercedes spending easter with anyone. He sounds very unreasonable. For goodness sake spending easter with family is usually not a big deal. I say that as a Christian coming from a Christian family. As grown ups we make a decision based on circumstances at that particular time. He doesn't like socialising and he doesn't like changing plans. Both difficult things to put up with. And he sulks!!!

MatildaTheCat Wed 13-Jan-16 21:10:53

Just don't have Rules about where and when you do things. I appreciate you are trying not to but it always leads to problems when the Rules are broken and just a pita. Your dh sounds like the problem here. Why can't you either visit or have his DP to stay anothe weekend? You might well want to stay at home more as your DC get older so just say straight that not all holidays will be spent chasing around the country on visits.

Do you even want your dh to come to the wedding or is he fine once you get there?

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep Wed 13-Jan-16 22:19:27

my ex was like this. insisted that we go to his parents for their birthdaysbut not to see my dad on his. when we did go and see my dad ex buggered off to visit a friend.

TheSecondViola Wed 13-Jan-16 22:33:54

Adults go where they want to when they want to. Also its january, easter is months away!

FadedRed Wed 13-Jan-16 22:42:12

What Viola said. ^
Agree with stopping this routine of visiting at set times, you end up bending over backwards for everyone except yourselves and ultimately pleasing no-one.
anybody else wonder why your DH's siblings don't see their parents anymore?

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