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aibu to think about threatening to kick him out.

(14 Posts)
harrasseddotcom Wed 13-Jan-16 17:12:54

Dont think i would ever do it but ds is 15 and rude, selfish, lazy, cheeky. I accept this is all pack and parcel of a 15 year old, even if he is on the extreme end of the scale (to the point where me and dp almost split up). However he has made it clear he is not going back to school after his exams although I have made clear to him that he is required to go back until at least the end of June. He has made no attempt to find a job/look for an apprenticeship/enquire about college. We do have a large percentage of my family who dont work (for various reasons including disability and SAHM but also through fecklessness as well) and I suspect that my ds is hoping for an easy life of xbox and not much else. We live in Scotland so school is not obliged to take him back after the holidays (and he is far from the role model pupil so im pretty sure some of the teachers will be glad to see the back of him). Dp and i have always worked and have strong work ethic which has somehow bypassed ds. So anyhows, aibu to threaten to kick him out if he does not find something to do (i.e. school/college/apprenticeship/job) within a set timescale after leaving school? As stated above i dont even know if i could carry out my threat but dont know what else to do?

Fratelli Wed 13-Jan-16 17:43:38

I don't think it's part of being a 15 year old at all tbh. Empty threats won't do anything. You need to talk to him like an adult and make it clear you won't subsidise him at all if he chooses not to go back to school. This means he'll have to pay rent, a portion of the bills and his own food/clothes etc. But you need to follow through with it. Good luck!

MoMoTy Wed 13-Jan-16 17:47:39

I accept this is all pack and parcel of a 15 year old

Nope. This is not how all teenagers are.
What is his plan after not going back. Where would he be kicked out to, I don't think this is a wise threat if you cannot follow through.

harrasseddotcom Wed 13-Jan-16 18:09:52

Tbh, i didn't act like that at his age, mainly because my dparents would have given me what for (and deservedly so imo). However on the several occassions we have talked to other people/mumsnet have been told oh hes just a teenager, all teens are like this. Momo, he has no plan. Which translates to me that he hoping to do buggar all. Its doesnt help that a close family member who is a few years older is essentially in the same position and openly brags how great his life is not working (his mother 'supports' him). I have tried to help by suggesting making a cv to apply for jobs/appreticeships or look at college courses but ds usually walks out in a bad mood. suggestions welcome tho.

tiggerkid Wed 13-Jan-16 18:21:27

anyhows, aibu to threaten to kick him out if he does not find something to do (i.e. school/college/apprenticeship/job) within a set timescale after leaving school? As stated above i dont even know if i could carry out my threat but dont know what else to do? - two things:

1) throwing him out will not achieve a better outcome. He might learn something or he might not. If he learns something, then you win. If not, he will turn to life of crime, drugs or worse. Are you really willing to risk that?
2) don't threaten anything you will not carry out because that's how children learn that it's ok not to listen to their parents in the first place

Does he get any form of pocket money type allowance? If so, I would consider cutting or removing that altogether first. Obviously not permanently but just to teach the "no work/no effort = no money" lesson.

It's a tough situation but try to think of how you can resolve this through communication somehow. It's not going to be easy but you should keep trying. I don't really have all the answers but one thing I believe in is that throwing the child out is an easy option but is the absolute last thing on Earth that any parent should consider.

harrasseddotcom Wed 13-Jan-16 18:31:43

no he doesnt get pocket money but just money as and when he needs it, which is usually for football or if he needs his hair cut. I have taken his priviliges such as xbox/mobile away, sometimes for over a week, and he just shrugs his shoulders and becomes even more obnoxious than usual. I have told him that his football will stop if he doesnt improve but he has his own xmas money still so just answered back that he would pay for it himself.

harrasseddotcom Wed 13-Jan-16 18:34:00

doesnt communication have to be a two way thing though? if you have one person who doesnt give a fig what the other thinks and is gonna try and continue to please themself to the detriment of everyone else, how can you communicate with that? both me and dp are constantly trying to talk to him and he either ignores us, gets angry and walks away or just walks away.

harrasseddotcom Wed 13-Jan-16 18:37:17

its also maybe a little old fashioned but im totally against myself and dp out working whilst he is sat at home doing bugger all. It would just about be acceptable if he was kind and considerate and helpful around the house but he isnt, hes the bloody opposite. Makes a ton of mess (which he refuses to clean up) and i cant have my house in a state as we do have a lot of visitors.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Wed 13-Jan-16 18:39:35

If you threatened to kick him out and he responds with "all right then!", would he have somewhere to go?

I'd stop giving him any form of money for a start.

Charlesroi Wed 13-Jan-16 18:41:54

Ask him how he plans to pay for days out with his friends, new clothes and x box games. Because you certainly won't be funding those things (or any other luxuries).
If he's not at school then he's joined the grown-ups, and they have to pay their way.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind Wed 13-Jan-16 18:54:16

When I was about 15 i remember my mum and step dad taking drastic measures when I started getting lazy/thoughtless/wrapped up my bubble.
They stopped all money. I had to get a Saturday job, I also had to pay them 20% of wages every week (they actually saved it all up and gave it back to me for my 17th birthday) my mobile was pay as you, No internet access (apart from 2hours immediately after school for home work/course work)
If I made a mess and didn't clean up it went in my bed. Made a sandwich and left crumbs everywhere...in my bed. That was the fastest lesson I ever learnt-bringing boyfriend/friends home to such filth was embarrassing.
I had to do all my own washing and ironing.
If I was in when they were at work i was left a list of jobs, (Hoover,walk dog,take bins out) big jobs were paid (washing Windows,doing their ironing)
I actually started doing their ironing and the neighbours for extra money.
For about two weeks it was uncomfortable for everyone,i distinctly remember my mum and dad eating Sunday roast off paper plates because the proper ones were all on my bed.after that I just got over it and on with it.

tiggerkid Wed 13-Jan-16 19:03:01

doesnt communication have to be a two way thing though? - absolutely! In the ideal world. But we don't live in the ideal world and it's usually the parents, who have to keep trying to educate their children even if it's very unpleasant sometimes or a lot.

I honestly have absolutely no answer, let alone the perfect answer, but my view is that kicking your DS out isn't a solution.

As parents, we must also always remember that whatever we are seeing in our children, is at least in some part a result of our parenting efforts over a period of time. Whichever way our children are, they don't happen to become that way overnight.

Ultimately if these issues aren't resolved now, later there will only be bitterness over lack of calls on Christmas day and birthdays, no visits even on your deathbed etc. If you are shrugging your shoulders now thinking that it doesn't bother you, then your answers are all here.

If it does bother you, then perhaps seeking some form of counselling for behavioural issues or relationship counselling is another option?

XiCi Wed 13-Jan-16 19:30:53

Is there nothing that he is interested in that he could study at college. There's such a wide range of courses available. Alot of colleges have careers advisors, would it be worth him chatting to one to see if they can match his interests to a course?

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 13-Jan-16 19:59:32

Start by cutting off his internet phone and xbox other privileges. He can either contribute 1/3 of his wage of whatever job he gets or by doing chores on top of his own washing and keeping his own room tidy to earn them back.
If you threaten to throw him out be prepared to follow through.

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