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I probably am, but I'm feeling a bit hurt

(150 Posts)
StillMedusa Tue 12-Jan-16 20:24:37

DD1 rang tonight about wedding plans ( for 2017).
I am perfectly in agreement of them wanting to go abroad..her partner has a huge and complicated family, we have a ton of relatives and can't afford a huge do and they want a small family group to go away on holiday together.. blessing there and registry when they come back.

They have found their perfect place.. a large chalet in the Alps. Us, brothers and sister, partners parents and a couple of close friends. Lovely. Some ski, some don't.

Then she mentions a rough date planned. I said if I was to be able to go it would have to be half term ( or Easter) as I have a term time contract and cannot have holidays in term time. She KNOWS this. I have been in school her whole life.

Oh she says surely they will let you go for a wedding? Um yes a day off.not two weeks (or even a week) They are absolutely inflexible about this...quite fairly so. But they can't afford the cost in holiday time (we would all be chipping in)... the chalet in holiday time is 3K a WEEK.(plus food, ski passes and kit , flights etc etc).

I'm a teaching assistant.. not wealthy (other family are better off) we cant manage that, and neither at her stage in her career , can she.

Then she said she would be sad if I couldn't come. Perhaps I would be allowed a day either side of a weekend to come out then.

Her wedding her choice. But frankly the thought of maybe being able to go for the weekend when the rest of the family are there just makes me feel very sad..and actually pretty hurt. Having loved her, supported her through University etc I would have like to have felt that they would have wanted to have this special week with me there too sad

goodnightdarthvader1 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:27:01

I understand, but they can't afford the extra money. Unless you can pay the extra for her, it's unfair to make her change plans for her dream wedding.

Soooosie Tue 12-Jan-16 20:28:35

Can you take unpaid leave from your job? Talk to the head

Hassled Tue 12-Jan-16 20:29:19

Damn right you're feeling hurt - that is incredibly insensitive of her. I wish I knew what to say to make it seem less shit but I can't. I guess she's just so deep in the wedding-planning bubble that she hasn't actually thought about how it will make you feel. Do you have other children who could maybe have a quiet word?

ExtraBlessings Tue 12-Jan-16 20:29:29

I think I would be feeling hurt in your shoes too. flowers

Snowglobe1 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:29:35

It's difficult, but I can't see that she has much choice if she's going abroad, due to financial constraints.

BYOSnowman Tue 12-Jan-16 20:31:19

Has she thought about how it will make her feel not having her mum there?

It's a small group and a key person will be absent. That will be felt.

Could they do the blessing on the weekend so you can at least be there for that?

When I got married it was about the people I wanted to celebrate with - not about fulfilling a dream wedding idea

ImperialBlether Tue 12-Jan-16 20:32:11

I would be really hurt. I think who is going to be there should take priority over the location. Tbh she's chosen an expensive place to go to and having to go in term time is obviously going to make it easier.

I would be really blunt with her and tell her that you have loved her and looked after her all of her life and you really wanted to be there with her. Remind her if she has a child who does this, she would be very hurt, too. Sometimes you have to speak quite plainly!

scarlets Tue 12-Jan-16 20:32:54

Is there any way you could take unpaid leave given that it's a special occasion? The Head may be prepared to bring in a supply TA if there were no financial detriment to the school. They did this at my sons' primary a few years ago (although it was the TA herself marrying, in St Lucia).

I can't comment on whether your daughter is BU really. It would be a lot of extra money to accommodate one guest even if that guest is her mum (sorry, I can tell that you're hurting, but I can understand the cost side too).

BestZebbie Tue 12-Jan-16 20:33:14

Why is everyone going for a week or two? Surely then you are all basically going on the honeymoon with them as well - isn't it more usual to have guests for a weekend-ish period and then only the newlyweds stay on at the resort for an extra week?

Snowglobe1 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:33:21

What would you like to happen?

AGirlCalledJohnny Tue 12-Jan-16 20:33:46

If it was my eldest daughter, I would be devastated that she would even consider getting married without me there (unless they were eloping just the two of them). But I'm not sure what more you can do. Can your other DD have a word? If this had been my sister I'd have put her right sharpish.

BYOSnowman Tue 12-Jan-16 20:34:50

I'm assuming Everyone is staying on because it's the only way the bride and groom can afford the holiday they want. It's not that easy to book chalets by the weekend

Snowball789 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:35:11

I feel for you and understand why you feel hurt. Did she give you a reason why she picked he particular date? Will it be cheaper because it is not in term time perhaps? I am a teacher and have struggled with my in laws understanding that I cannot take a 'day off' the way they can. It is hard and sometimes I feel resentful and annoyed that they can't understand. Then I feel bad for the way I feel!

You know as well as I do that the only way to get over how you are feeling is to talk to your daughter. To be fair, she's not a mind reader and when weddings are being arranged brides often try to please everyone and end up pleasing no-one! I suspect she was going for term tim to keep costs down and just assumed that your employer would naturally give you a month off for your daughter's wedding if you wanted! Possibly (and I'm only guessing here) she might feel a bit down that you haven't immediately stormed into the head's office and demanded time off - after all brides get a teeny bit blinkered at times.

Talk to your daughter again, You will feel better by explaining how you feel and finding out why she has decided on the specific date.

RubbleBubble00 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:35:26

She's in a pickle really as this is the wedding they want and they can't afford it during the holidays. Could you take a long weekend? Fly out Friday after school and fly home Monday night - if dd1 could get married at the weekend

5Hearts Tue 12-Jan-16 20:38:25

I think I would be a bit hurt too flowers but she probably assumes that you will be granted some term-time off for this kind of circumstance.

I think you would be able to get up to a week off if you explained the situation, although probably unpaid. I think two weeks is pushing it though.

I (I'm a teacher) was very surprised when I was granted three paid days (I asked for unpaid) off several years ago to accompany my husband on a holiday through his work (he had won an award).

teeththief Tue 12-Jan-16 20:38:25

Do you work full time? Are there any part time TA's who may be able to cover your hours for a week between them? I'm a part time TA and I often cover hours for people who have doctors/hospital appointments or whose children are unwell and they can't find childcare.

LeaLeander Tue 12-Jan-16 20:38:50

I can't believe anyone's vision of a 'dream wedding' includes leaving their mom high and dry back at home, unable to take time off work. Unbelievable.

No, OP, you are not being unreasonable. I too would be hurt in your situation.

Whocansay Tue 12-Jan-16 20:39:28

YANBU to feel hurt, but all you can do is bow out gracefully. People know when they make these decisions that some guests may not be able to come. I wouldn't risk my job for a wedding, no matter who it was.

You can still go to the registry office and watch them marry. That's the real bit after all.

hownottofuckup Tue 12-Jan-16 20:43:02

Totally agree with Lea, can't imagine a dream wedding without DM there.

Snazarooney Tue 12-Jan-16 20:43:09

It is worth approaching your Head. The governors may be amenable to you having a week or a few days unpaid leave to attend your daughter's wedding abroad as a one off. If you have been there a long time and your attendance is good especially - they can only say no!

CakeFail Tue 12-Jan-16 20:43:36

Yanbu - sorry but I really think this is appalling. I can't stand it when people appear to prioritise their 'dream' wedding venue / date / other superficial crap over their own families being able to attend (unless there's a back story of some kind).

I don't really know what to suggest. Could you request unpaid leave as pp suggested? Or have another chat with DD? I guess it depends on her. If she won't budge on this then really that is her loss and I am positive she will hugely regret it.

LeaLeander Tue 12-Jan-16 20:44:15

"some guests may not be able to come" ??

it's her mother!

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 12-Jan-16 20:45:24

But but but... This isn't even actually a wedding. It's a joint family holiday.

The wedding is the bit where they sign the registry, not a pissup in the Alps.

confused by the modern day ettiquette. [auld gimmer]

29redshoes Tue 12-Jan-16 20:45:44

YANBU at all, I would feel really hurt, and I think she's being a bit selfish.

I think it's worth asking if you can get leave - I've worked in schools before so I know how hard it is but given that you'd be giving them a lot of notice maybe it would be possible to work something out?

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