To be furious at the messing around we're having regarding taking his kids on a holiday???(113 Posts)
DP and I thought it would be nice to take both mine and his kids away on a holiday to America. My son is 15 and his sons are 18 and 20.
First issue we had was that in the past his ex has said she didn't want him taking them on holidays abroad "showing off" his money etc etc (she doesn't work and apart from that, doesn't like the hassle of going abroad). So for the past 6 years, his kids have no been abroad.
Well his kids are now adults so we decided to take them abroad if they wanted to go and there would be little she could do about it.
Well she managed to talk SS1 out of the first destination we had planned. However, now that it has changed to New York he says he definitely wants to come however, naturally she is refusing to pay for passports and his kids don't work so we said we'd buy the passports. Now, apparently DSS does not use a mobile phone, WhatsApp or any means of normal communication (bullshit) so DP has to rely on facebook messaging to contact him - which 99% of the time, DSS ignores.
Now we're waiting to book flights but really need to passports sorting first. DP said he'd give the money to DSS and he could sort them out. No reply. A day later he said he could transfer the money into his mother's account for them to sort it out from there - no reply. Finally, DP sent a message asking if they just want us to sort it all out - no fucking reply.
It's just ridiculous. This lad ignores all messages from DP unless he wants something. He says he wants to come on this holiday yet ignores every message about sorting the passports despite the fact that we've now offered to pay for them AND organise them. Meanwhile, we're hanging around like idiots not knowing whether to book flights or not.
I said to DP "do you not think it's a bit rude for him to ignore you like this when we're trying to sort out a holiday for him??" and he thinks the sun shines out of his arse and says "no he's not ignoring me, he just doesn't use facebook much". Bullshit - he logged in an hour ago, those messages have been sat there for days plus, he knows DP is trying to sort this out so surely he'd have the sense to check his messages even if he genuinely didn't use facebook much? and to say he has no mobile or other means of contact?? at 20 years old??
I'm just so frustrated. How is it so difficult to book a holiday with what is essentially, a group of adults??
Book for yourself and your son. If DP can sort his sons out, that's a bonus. If not, too bad. And enjoy your holiday.
Can I just also add that this lad ignored all messages from DP over the Christmas period also - ignoring the "merry Christmas son" message and the "Happy new year son" message yet he was quite willing to turn up for the party DP organised for his birthday (as long as DP picked him up and took him home of course).
All I get from DP is "it's her getting into his head" (meaning the mother) but the lad is now 20 years old!! he knows how to answer a fucking message.
tbh, I'd arrange to go without him.
Send him one final message saying do X by Y or we will assume you don't want to go and we will go without you. We will not be able to add you later so if you do want to come, make sure you get this done. If you don't - don't moan about it later.
He's 20 years old. He's a grown man. He can be dealt with bluntly!
It's as difficult as your husband wants to make it, really.
Like you said - he's an adult. Send him one message (or pop round) saying you're booking it on X date and if you don't have all the details for him that you need then he won't be able to come.
It's hard because it's not your son. But honestly, if you're offering to pay for and sort it all out, and they're not even replying, it's not very good is it?
If it were me I'd send one final message saying, we need it sorted by xxx date and time, if you don't reply be then then unfortunately you won't be able to come because of xxx reasons with airline/holiday company.
And if they don't even bother to reply then they don't go.
He needs to give them an ultimatum and stick to it.
I would do that (give him a deadline and then book without him) but DP won't and goes mad at the very suggestion saying I'm being horrible to his son. It's beyond a joke.
DP's attitude is "let's just book the flights, I trust that they won't let me down" - yeah because losing £1000 if they suddenly decide that they can't be arsed to get passports is no big deal right.
I'm really tempted to message him myself and tell him but I know it will cause one major shit storm with DP if I did. He still see's this lad as a vulnerable little child and when I say anything, I'm the wicked stepmother.
I agree with the deadline option but of your DP won't go for that, what about the other brother? If you are in communication with him, can you not ask if he has a mobile number for SS1?
I think both your DP and SS1 ABU to be honest.
If he wanted to go he'd answer the messages. Plan without him and let him know that. He's hardly doing you a favour by agreeing to with you on an old expenses paid holiday.
The other brother has learning difficulties so I don't want to pile any pressure on him - he's probably feeling the tension as it is and getting stressed out about it. I've actually spoken to the youngest and he seems genuinely excited at going but if this messing about continues or if the mother pulls anymore "I'm in control" moves poor lad might end up being very disappointed.
I've said to DP "are you sure dss1 actually wants to go? surely he'd reply if he did?" and he snaps my head off and says "DSS1 is just like that! he does want to go, he just doesn't read facebook messages!" what a load of absolute delusional shite.
What about the 18 year old? How often do you see them?.
I wouldn't transfer money I would say I need to collect you one day next week to do pictures and send them off.... Which suits? Then they can come to your house.
Absolutely ridiculous situation. If they really wanted to go then they would be replying. Is it both boy's?
Do as suggested above and give a deadline for getting tte stuff sorted and if it isn't then book without them.
Your DP is the real problem here. I suggest giving HIM (DP) an ultimatum, not SS1: 'If we don't hear from SS1 by Y day I will assume you and both your sons are not coming and I will book for me and my child and go without you.'
If he bites your head off, bite it off right back!
and he snaps my head off and says "DSS1 is just like that! he does want to go, he just doesn't read facebook messages!"
You have a big problem then with your DH. His sons are grown adults, not little children. This is ridiculous as well you know and cant be allowed to drag on otherwise you and your DS will miss out on a holiday. You both need to go round, nothing will change unless you do see them in the flesh.
oh it gets worse, there are rigid contact arrangements in place and if he is to see the "boys" on any day other than a Saturday it has to be pre-arranged. She would go off her head if he just turned up on a Wednesday or whatever. Honestly the kids are treated like small children by the pair of them.
Thats mad! They are grown adults who can manage their own relationship with your DP (well eldest can, dont know the extent of the other boys learning difficulties).
They are adults, I would be managing this on the basis of:
"If you want to come, please let us know by x date"
If they do not confirm by then just go ahead with your own plans.
I wouldn't be entertaining suggestions for other destinations either, I wouldn't entertain them for my very own living at home son. Simply put, given the expense of long haul holidays, if I pay... I choose just because I have a clearer idea, than a person who is not aware of my finances, of what I can afford or not. Simples.
Are you not bored of this yet? I know I bloody well am.
This is over 18- and 20-year-olds?!
Tell them they don't seem interested so you're going on you're own. Invitation withdrawn.
As for the 'rigid contact arrangements' - don't contact arrangements expire once they're adults?
Well that's when I would do the passports. On the Saturday.
It is ludicrous though. Even my 11 Year old alters access with his dad by text and as they have got older we have been flexible. The mother needs a life.... Or a job at least.
It is, it's absolutely crazy and I've put up with this farce for 4 years now and I'm ready to snap.
I'm seriously considering messaging the kid myself and saying something like "your dad has been trying to contact you regarding the passports. They need to be sorted by the end of this week otherwise we'll have to book without you guys which would be a shame. Have a think and let us know by Friday whether you are sorting them yourselves of if we are doing it for you."
I mean, what's wrong with that? diplomatic but to the point right?
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