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AIBU? I sometimes wonder about the replies on AIBU

(21 Posts)
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Mon 11-Jan-16 19:29:25

It seems so often that there is an OP in a genuine quandary, where others post to say that the OP is being completely unreasonable/selfish/difficult and set out what the OP should do to be reasonable/selfless/fair.

But these posters aren't the OP, they're not living her life nor do they know all the ins and outs.

And I do wonder, how many of these posters would be so quick to take their own advice, or be quite so sanguine and saintly if they were the ones facing what they perceived to be injustice or unfair demands.

AIBU?

TheGoodEnoughWife Mon 11-Jan-16 19:48:12

YANBU!

It would seem that one should give his/hers time/items/money to whoever asks as that is the 'right thing to do' - unless it is a dh, then they should ltb - obviously ;-)

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 11-Jan-16 19:48:14

People come, they ask, people respond, then I imagine the OP does what they do based on tier life and the advice they sought.

It's advice, not a sentence.

CaptainCrunch Mon 11-Jan-16 19:50:43

AIBU is full of keyboard warriors. Some of them are totally pathetic the way they'll goad and persist contributing to a thread with nothing other than personal insults.

otterlylovely Mon 11-Jan-16 19:54:03

It's endemic all over the site, but I do think it's because we only have the spoken word and a couple of emoctions to convey warmth, kindness, irritation and anger.

I like to think in real life, a gasp, a head tilt, a hug or a shocked look would suffice but you can't do that here so people feel they have to type something.

SilverDragonfly1 Mon 11-Jan-16 20:07:54

The basis of AIBU is that people come asking for opinions, which often end up being couched as advice. Posters can only answer based on the information given and their own experiences. I think the important thing is to gracefully accept it if the OP says they can't do what you suggest, and to avoid accusations of 'drip feeding' if OP mentions a new fact in that reply.

Idefix Mon 11-Jan-16 20:09:39

hmm

Op asks a question aibu? The posters then give an answer and then often justify why they hold this opinion.
Of course that opinion is based on their outlook and interpretation of the op.
I am not really sure why that is a problem.

No op is bound by the opinion of a poster, they can consider or ignore the opinion given.

Yabu

FoofooLeSnoo Mon 11-Jan-16 20:12:24

I agree op, yanbu. It's particularly bad on relationships board. If you dont Ltb you will be quickly turned against. Not by all of course as most posters are genuinely trying to offer advice, but by the "keyboad warriers"! As captain crunch brilliantly describes them.

BackforGood Mon 11-Jan-16 20:13:24

I was going to post exactly the same as Idefix

If you don't want people's opinions, then don't ask on the internet for people to judge is YABU or not. Seems fairly clear to me.

otterlylovely Mon 11-Jan-16 20:14:39

I think the problem comes when the advice is not taken, for whatever reason, people either call into question the legitimacy of the OP or they conclude that the OP deserves whatever problem she has because she isn't taking their advice.

For instance, a thread last night had a poster clearly in near enough absolute catatonic shock after her husband attacked her. So many responses went 'police' '999 NOW.'

I appreciate they were trying to convey to the OP the urgency of the situation but it came across very unfeelingly. I was grateful for posters who showed her kindness and compassion whilst also urging her to call the police.

EponasWildDaughter Mon 11-Jan-16 20:18:03

I was thinking this exact thing yesterday (or the day before?) about a particular thread!

I think all of the posts on the thread were sympathetic and all of the advice was well meaning - but most of it was based on knee jerk outrage and their idea of what aught to happen in an ideal world. Justice and fairness ect. (The OP had gone to great lengths pointing out how properly distressing she finds confrontation).

I wondered how many of the posters advocating what the OP 'should' do would be comfortable living with the inevitable fallout there would be if she handled it that way.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Mon 11-Jan-16 20:19:33

I obviously wasn't clear enough in my own OP, my fault.

Of course any board, on MN or elsewhere, is going to invite advice, that wasn't my point.

Rather it was to think that there can be some very sanctimonious replies from others, and to wonder whether those posters doing the replying should be quite so sure they'd do 'the right thing' if they were in the OP's situation.

It just strikes me that it's very easy to be saintly when it's someone else's life.

BonitaFangita Mon 11-Jan-16 20:19:46

I agree Devil, I sometimes look on AIBU threads and cringe. It's easy to give opinions/advise based on your own circumstances which may be completely different to the OP. I also sometime think people post when they're at a particularly low point and that the situation they're describing isn't the whole story IYSWIM Therefore I'm usually reluctant to post on these kinds of threads I think sometimes it does more harm than good, and wonder how the OP feels after a MN mauling

ShowYourSeams Mon 11-Jan-16 20:25:18

I find a lot of problems on AIBU stem from the first couple of replies. A 'mob mentality' takes hold and people side with the majority.

Eg. A while ago I posted (under a different Username) that my abusive H had screamed in the face of our 2yo 'you fucking little shit' after he'd tantrumed while tired, and I was thinking of LTB. First reply was something along the lines of 'everyone loses their shit every now and again, YABU'. I was subsequently flamed for thinking my stbexH was an abusive cunt.
I've since seen many other threads that have gone the same way, but even more where the replies have been along the lines of 'no one would speak to my child like that! LTB' because that's what the first few replies said.

I think it depends what mood people are in that particular day.

But I do find the goading sarcastic posts quite upsetting at times.

Wombat87 Mon 11-Jan-16 20:27:10

I used to avoid posting replies here apart from now as much as possible. Partly because I don't get the mentality of some of the asshole posters who post one liners which are neither helpful or constructive or a different point of view, they are mainly someone posting some vile response under the the guise of Internet anonymity, and they hunt in packs. Another reason is because anything helpful or constructive, even if it differs from the OP, is lost in said sea of shit. And a final reason is because sometimes, the nastiness isn't even relative. They haven't read anything other than the first 2 pages and are bandwagon jumpers.

Recently I've noticed it's the often the same group of posters. When one turns up it doesn't take long for the rest too.

YANBUgrin

Idefix Mon 11-Jan-16 20:29:18

Some people genuinely never have a moments doubt about quandries in their lives this may not always be a good thing mind they don't even see the doubt.

But I think this is the beauty of mn if you a procrastinator or you genuinely don't know what to do, someone will always come a long with an idea.

NickiFury Mon 11-Jan-16 20:54:45

I couldn't agree more OP. The pontificating from posters who are untouched by the situation is nauseating at times. Certain names crop up regularly too. You have to learn to ignore or you'd be arguing every time you came on MN.

BonitaFangita Mon 11-Jan-16 21:00:20

I must admit I sometimes start reading a post and think 'OP why did you post that' as I can imagine the flaming or harsh judgment they're going to get.

hefzi Mon 11-Jan-16 21:10:10

YANBU - and it's always easier to give advice than to take it! If I had a quandary about something important, the last thing I would do would be to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet - and I say that as someone who doesn't really have friends or a support network: but different things work for different people.

CakeFail Mon 11-Jan-16 21:28:57

YABU / yanbu; I can see both actually. Agree with pps that OPs ask for opinions and they shouldn't be surprised when they get a wide range of viewpoints. They don't have to like them or follow advice.

That said there are some pretty pathetic keyboard warrior types on here and it can be hard to brush them off when you're feeling vulnerable.

I had a thread about a year ago which stuck with me. It went a little something like this:

Me: AIBU (I was a smidgen)

Most posters: YABU - here's what you should do

Some posters: yanbu

A couple of posters: YABU and you should be ashamed of yourself

Me: well yes maybe I abu. It might be to do with the death of someone very close to me. I mentioned them in my OP as they were effected by the same person I'm asking for help with.

One poster: why are you bringing up other issues now? Just cos you don't like what people are saying?

angry Yes, I'm thrilled this person whom I loved very much and who was close to me my entire life died far too young. Yep, thrilled. Because now I can 'win' at MN. They were a human being, not an "other issue". People forget that OPs are (usually) real people posting about real issues. It's not a game.

I've seen something similar again on a more recent thread where someone mentioned a very sad bereavement. Cue several people saying it isn't relevant to the thread. Oh I'm sure the poster is so sorry to break the 'rules' of MN. That's what's really important hmm.

In brief, some people can be so quick to prove how righteous they are they don't have time to listen or empathise.

CakeFail Mon 11-Jan-16 21:37:24

Should have said month not year sorry! Not that it makes a difference particularly but there you are.

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