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children's centre letter [Trigger warning for baby loss from MNHQ]

(38 Posts)
OhHolyFuck Sun 10-Jan-16 20:43:21

Just opened my post from yesterday and in it there's a letter from the children's centre congratulating me on the birth of my baby and letting me know all the baby classes/activities in the area - I lost ds3 at 20 weeks and he should have been born Christmas Eve so already struggling...
AIBU to think there should be systems in place to stop this happening?

Cliffdiver Sun 10-Jan-16 20:48:16

Yes, there should.

Am so sorry about you DS3 flowers

Penfold007 Sun 10-Jan-16 20:49:07

Yes there should. I am so sorry for your loss and this tactless letter.

Theimpossiblegirl Sun 10-Jan-16 20:50:58

I'm so sorry OP, what a sad reminder of your loss.
Yes, there absolutely should be systems in place to stop this from happening.

SaucyJack Sun 10-Jan-16 20:52:30

Of course YANBU.

Take care dude xx

minifingerz Sun 10-Jan-16 20:53:09

Sorry for your loss. flowers

I imagine there is a system in place, but sometimes things don't happen as they ought to.

Could you get someone, a friend or family member, to phone the children's centre and tell them? I'm sure they would be mortified to think that they had sent a letter which caused you such distress, and would have another look at the system to stop this happening to tighten it up?

purplepandas Sun 10-Jan-16 20:53:38

OHolyFuck, I am so sorry about the loss of your son. Sands have a teardrop scheme (or they used to) which means a special tear drop sticker can be attached to your notes to alert HCPs that you have lost a baby. I found this useful after getting upset when I was repeatedly asked where DT1 was when DT2 was with me.

I am sorry again, I hope that you have lots of support. If you fancy chatting please do feel free to PM me.

OhHolyFuck Sun 10-Jan-16 20:54:51

Thanks, it's hard to know in the grip of it if I'm overreacting or if they should have been notified somehow so they don't send stuff like this out - can't imagine I'm the only one, they took my details at the booking appointment (I think at about 9 weeks) to send to them so if they do that with everyone, I imagine some people will sadly be in the same boat

Should I ring them tomorrow do you think?

purplepandas Sun 10-Jan-16 20:55:02

See here for info that the staff could look at in terms of the stickers. I agree that asking someone else to call the children's centre on your behalf would be a good idea.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sun 10-Jan-16 20:55:23

Let me start by firstly sending you my deepest and heart felt sympathy support and condolences on your heart breaking loss.
My goodness me how insensitive to receive such a letter. It just goes to prove there is no care anymore. It's just to try and get their numbers up.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sun 10-Jan-16 20:56:22

Yes you should ring them. Hopefully it will prevent it from happening to someone else

Crusoe Sun 10-Jan-16 20:56:29

I had something similar happen to me, it was so upsetting and absolutely it shouldn't happen.
I rang up and complained which made me feel a tiny bit better that they might think about their procedures.
So sorry for your loss. 💐

TheBestChocolateIsFree Sun 10-Jan-16 20:58:34

I'm so sorry.
Yes they should have systems to stop this - I used to volunteer for the NCT and we knew it was very important that we implemented these systems. I agree that if you could ring them (or ask a friend to contact them if you're understandably not feeling up to it) and complain then it might help stop another woman suffering that additional distress.

PeppasNanna Sun 10-Jan-16 20:58:48


Damselindestress Sun 10-Jan-16 21:02:22

I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been upsetting to receive that letter. Let them know so they can improve their systems.

Have you heard of SANDS? They're a charity providing support for bereaved parents and their families. Hopefully they can help you through this difficult time. Thinking of you flowers

leghoul Sun 10-Jan-16 21:03:10

very sorry OP
There's this service - - which may be able to help but centre should have updated records appropriately

3littlebadgers Sun 10-Jan-16 21:05:52

Oh op flowers I am so sorry, for the loss of your baby and also that you received this letter. It happens and it shouldn't. 5 weeks after dd2 was stillborn I built up the courage to go to the gp's to book my six week post natal check. The receptionist, to be fair she did look rushed off her feet, snapped at me asking if I remembered the baby's red book, I just shook my head with tears rolling down my face and breathed the words 'there is no baby, she died.' It can come as a blow, and you can never predict when it will happen, so just be gentle with yourself when it does. I'm so sorry x

BoffinMum Sun 10-Jan-16 21:07:12

Systems fail but still it should not have happened. I would write a letter of complaint personally speaking, and ask your MW to find out what happened.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 10-Jan-16 21:09:35

I don't know why this happens. I received a scan appointment after I miscarried - it was managed at the same hospital that the scans are at so why there isn't a simple system for epu to inform ante natal of pregnancy losses I don't know. Same for children's centres as they are linked to the midwives.

MammaTJ Sun 10-Jan-16 21:10:15

Oh that's awful! So sorry for you loss.

There are systems in place for any earlier loss, in that MW app would be cancelled.

Maybe later losses are rarer, so have not been addressed as well. If you are strong enough, complain through PALS and improve things for those who follow you.

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Jan-16 21:10:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eastwest Sun 10-Jan-16 21:13:34

I am so sorry. YANBU at all. No words really. flowers

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sun 10-Jan-16 21:15:35

Please do get in touch and complain.

After my dd died I had a receptionist from the doctor phone me and call me lazy for not having registered my daughter with the doctor yet and tell me that even through the 'new mummy' phase I should have my priorities straight.

I went to the doctors and kicked off big time and they implemented new systems to stop it happening again.

flowers so sorry you are also on this path.

Fivegomad Sun 10-Jan-16 21:17:17

OP...I am so sorry for your loss.
I used to work for children's centres, I would have been the person taking the details and I assure you this should not have happened. There should be systems in place to prevent this. That letter should never have been sent without checks being made beforehand.
Each centre operates differently, and all are under pressure to increase levels of registrations but that is no excuse.
I would urge you to complain,I know it won't make anything better for you, but maybe would save someone else from this extra, unnecessary pain.
My thoughts are with you, and your family.

Minispringroll Sun 10-Jan-16 21:27:26

So sorry. flowers chocolate
It happens sometimes, but it's quite upsetting nontheless. I got a letter from my GP surgery, informing me that women "in my condition" should be getting a flu jab. I rang them up and informed them that I had had a miscarriage and to please update their system (I had hoped one of the two hospitals involved would have let them know; it hadn't been terribly straightforward). A few months later, I went in for a smear test. The nurse's first comment: "I see, you've had your baby then..." confused sad My file on the computer still showed me up as pregnant. I was a little speechless and then muttered that, no, actually....I had lost the baby quite a while ago. The nurse was rather embarrased, apologised and rushed out to get the system updated there and then.
The second time round, my GP made the referral to the hospital due to suspected ectopic. I hadn't even informed them, yet, but asked the lovely young doctor at the hospital repeatedly to please make sure my GP surgery get the records updated. (She must have thought I'm a bit mental.)
It happens.

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