Mean 4 year old(23 Posts)
Been at a party for dd today..one child there is horrible. I volunteer in their class and she is often mean to others too, I've seen her be cruel to dd and others and I've heard other parents discuss this behaviour shown to their dc's. Today at the party (disco in village hall) this kid told my dd she wasn't allowed to join in and had to get out her way now; my dd is very confident and usually wouldnt bother by something like this, but I think the other girl has just worn her down, constantly being mean. My poor dd hung head and shuffled away and cried, she was OK after a mummy cuddle and sitting on my knee.. But I'm fed up with this brat being so cruel, she is one of 6 so I completely understand she needs to be bolshy and stand up for herself, but my dd is so sweet (all teachers etc say so too) and kind, she'd never be cruel to another. So what I'm asking, is wibu to have a word with the other girls mother and let her know how sad she is making my daughter?
Oh dear, sorry, no I wouldn't. Your attentions should focus on your own DD. Maybe a conversation (short and simple) about how some people aren't nice all the time. Some people are unkind sometimes. How if someone is horrid to her, it's about them, not about her. How she must always tell you/a teacher if another child is making her unhappy?
Poor child, if she's as bad as you say then the parents must have been told before, especially as you've heard other parents talking about her.
I think it is important to remember that the child you're talking about is also only 4, just like your daughter.
If she is one of 6, there could be all sorts of reasons why she behaves the way she does. Is she one of the younger ones? She might be picked on by older siblings at home? If she's one of the older ones she might behave this way because doing so gains her attention she otherwise would not have.
I don't think there's necessarily any harm in calmly and nicely discussing with her mum the issues which have arisen with between your daughter and hers. But I would avoid using emotive language like "cruel" and "brat", that will guarantee the mum becoming defensive (understandably) and will shut down the conversation immediately.
Did you watch the TV programme "secret life of four year olds"? As heartbreaking as it is, we have to let our kids figure these kinds of social situations out for themselves. Children will soon twig that bring mean has its downsides too. You can role play with your dd how to handle those kind of comments, but it's a normal part of growing up.
Have you watched A Secret Life of 4 year olds? It's normal.
Your daughter may well be sweet and kind. But she may also be a brat when she's not being watched by adults.
My daughter is also sweet and an angel at school. She can be a brat and "mean" at home. I try a LOT to stop this. But it isn't always successful.
I'd be annoyed at someone having a word with me about it. They're 4. Their parents are trying, I'm sure!
Little...I've done that, I've told her that sometimes people say things that aren't very kind and they don't really mean to make them sad...she understands that but she doesn't understand why it keeps happening. The mother today was quaffing wine and laughing as her little ball of anger hurtled around upsetting people. I genuinely don't know if she doesn't know, or doesn't care, what the child is doing.
Parents have been told before by teachers but they have a history of problems with the teaching staff at school so say the teachers opinions is based on their views of siblings.
I do know the mother fairly well, we went to school together so I think I could broach the subject and ask her to ask the child to be more aware of how she treats other children. I'm so confused as I just don't want my dd to feel the way she did today again, 4 is way too young to be excluded and having someone be cruel.
You are right, I'd never use cruel or brat to her mum, and I get she is just four too...but I know my dd wouldn't be nasty to a friend, she doesn't have it in her, she is stroppy and moody and over emotional, but not nasty.
You are all right, I shouldn't say anything to mum and do need to help dd deal with it instead of just crying, it's just this other girl is completely the leader of the girls in her class and tells everyone what to do, they are all a little afraid of not conforming to her. Arghhh! Thought I'd have a bit more school time before I needed to start worrying about this!
Thank you all for your responses xx
Snow were you bullied at school? I am asking as your reaction to this does seem a bit over the top.
" I just don't want my dd to feel the way she did today again," Impossible. Sorry. It is not within your power to protect your DD from other children being mean/spiteful/whatever.
I agree with PP maybe you should watch The Secret Life..... I suspect you will find it absolutely shocking.
Any complaints should be made through the school.
Some 4 year olds DO do the "mean girls" stuff that you (as a parent) think you won't happen until the tween years (at the earliest). My DD has a similar "toxic twosome" situation, which maybe she perpetuates by being "the victim" as much as Other Child is at fault for being The Meanie.
It's horrible to have a tearful child because "queen bee" friend has been grim (again), but there's bog all you can do about it.
Little, I was horrendously bullied. Head smashed open several times, pinched punched, weed on and hair pulling out were a very common occurance.
I just do not understand why a parent would not tell their child that the behaviour was inappropriate? Even on this low level bullying, they can clearly see it and think it's funny how bolshy their dd is! I've raised my dd to be considerate and kind, I don't understand how a parent can be OK with their child being cruel? I do accept its definitely my problem given my history, so thank you for giving me a kick up the bum, will just make sure my dd starts to stand up for herself (somehow!) X
I'm sorry that you were bullied, but it's highly likely that the child has been told how to behave, but at 4 still doesn't know how to do this. My DD is also on the receiving end of some less than nice behaviour from a girl at school, but I can't always be sure that DD's view of it is correct (has been known to get wrong end of stick/make mountains out of molehills etc), but I also know that this kid isn't exactly easy, so why ask her mum to try and do something that she is already trying to do and just make her feel worse? Kids have to develop resilience, learn to walk away from situations, and that people who don't treat you well aren't worthy of your attention
support your daughter in knowing how to stand up to this girl. Sadly every class has a few of these.
Your daughter will know she can come to you. I expect her teacher will know what a pain this girl is and will be on look out
I didn't mean it as a kick I assure you.
It did occur to me reading your post that you may have been bullied and it sounds like it was horrendous, I am so sorry. You also seem self aware and that is a major part of the battle.
Just because this one child has been mean to DD, doesn't mean she will suffer like you did. I know you know this, but I can also imagine the feelings it dredges up.
Keep doing what you are doing. You sound lovely, and I am sure DD will know she can come to you for help if the need arises.
I'd have said something at the party. Doesn't it make it easier that you went to school with her?
Of course you should comfort and support your DD. If you know the other child's mother well, you may even be able to have a constructive conversation with her. However, if you approach her from the perspective of "my child is an angel, yours is a little horror," I doubt you will achieve anything useful.
BTW, many parents truly believe that their children would never do anything unkind to another child. Many, many of those parents are wrong.
Little I didn't mean a horrible kick...more a spur on...thanks for the flowers though! Dd is awesome, she's everything I wished I could be as a child (and still would love to be!) she's confident and funny, silly and can laugh at herself, she doesn't usually take herself too seriously. Think this is why I got upset today as her reaction is so out of character. Xx
Rhetoric, you are so right.. I think I was naive expecting it to be a bit longer before dd needed to do this, I will work on this with her for sure.
kilm, yes the teachers know and have told me they are keeping an eye on the behaviour and have been brilliant at sharing things with me (and other mums)
Enough... I think you may have pinned the tail on it...the mother was one of those who was so awful to me at school, I'm still terrified of her. Replying to you, and thinking of my reply, has pretty much pointed out to me I may be clouding our daughters relationships with what went on with us mothers.
Oh my goodness snow! That is awful what happened to you! Why children would do such horrible things? I just cannot understand.
About your dd... Well, I would be upset too just like you. Not sure what you should do about dd situation but I believe if a kid is mean then it's a copied behaviour.Like others said it's could be older siblings bullying the younger ones.Hope you find the way to sort this situation out.
To show you a different side here, I was also very badly bullied at school (punched, kicked, spat on, etc) by almost everyone in my class, but rather than being scared I actually became one of the bullies. I was much like your dd (confident, charming, didn't take much seriously) and whilst I am glad I went through that as I don't think I'd be who I am today without it, you must not let your dd go down that path. I know this sounds a bit like scaremongering but be sure to teach her she can't resort to taking her anger out on others.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.