6 year old son has an unfair bad reputation - more of a WWYD

[Nonky]

Hello, sorry this is more of a WWYD than an AIBU as I do get anxious about things so may not be thinking things through clearly. My son was bitten by the son of an 'important' (can't give away too much info) parent in his first two weeks of Reception over a year ago. I made no fuss at all as I know all too well what young children can be like! The other parent however began telling other people at the school gate that it was actually my son that bit hers which was totally untrue and this was confirmed by the school.

However, ever since then he has been left out of parties, invites etc as so many parents have listened to what this mother said over a year ago. I even invited a friend of my oldest daughter for tea once and was told their child didn't want to come as they were too scared they would be hurt by my son.

My son has never hurt anyone at school, has never been in trouble with the school and as a teacher myself I make sure I always check that everything is going ok. He is also very happy at school and loves his teachers and is doing well.

I just don't know what to do. My two older daughters love the school and one has anxiety so a change in school would be very problematic for her. I also work full time so having once child at another school would also be problematic.

My son at the moment is pretty oblivious to it all but this is starting to become more obvious to him. His teacher says he is popular with the other children in the class - it is just he seems unpopular with parents due to them believing every word the other parent said over a year ago. It even got to the point where this parent created a nicname for him (along the lines of 'terrorizing tim' but have slightly changed this. What makes it also hard is my son and this parents son are actually the best of friends at school.

Help - sorry, I don't know what help you can give me but any ideas greatly appreciated. Thank you

[WorraLiberty]

How do you know the other parent has been saying this?

[Wolfiefan]

I can't believe that your child is excluded from so much on the basis of a rumour about something that may or may not have occurred last year.

[Nonky]

I know the parent has been saying this as she said it to me first! She said that she was ok about my son biting her son (the teacher has confirmed this didn't happen as was a witness to it - my son had teeth marks) and was very passive aggressive about it all in a haha at least it wasn't my son that bit yours way.

[WorraLiberty]

And what did she say when you pointed out that it wasn't the case, your child had teeth marks and the teacher witnessed it?

I agree with Wolfie, it's very strange.

[Nonky]

To be fair, and thinking about it more, these parents that have excluded him from various events are all friends and are the 'loud' ones at the school gate. I just smile at everyone! Maybe I should look beyond this little group. However, as I mentioned earlier, one is a very influencial.

[Nonky]

She just laughed it off and changed the subject. She was caught talking to my child in the school playground about playing with her son nicely. The school had to monitor what was being said to him as I rely on before school club so can't check that she doesn't say anything!

[Nonky]

I didn't confront her too much about it as was hoping it would blow away and in all honestly the repurcussions that talking to her about it and putting her straight would have been worse than this

[Griphook]

Then you need to go into the school and speak to the school about a parent bulling your child. Tell them you expect them to sort it out, and speak to the parent to let them know in no uncertain terms that it will not be tolerated.
I would also ask them to more her child to another class.

But you need to be very sure that your son us totally innocent

[theycallmemellojello]

Do you mean the parent is a celebrity/politician or something? People do suck up to those sorts so I can understand that worry. But it seems strange that a kid would be excluded over a single incident. And are you sure the parent has said something to other parents (ie not just to you). I guess it is worth investigating whether there have been other incidents involving your son, perhaps that the teacher is not aware of. Perhaps ask the mother of your dd's friend what her other child meant about being scared? In any case all you can do is keep organising play dates, encouraging friendships etc.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

This is very odd behaviour, normally people do not exclude children to the degree your ds is being excluded on the basis of a rumour about a bite over a year ago.

Are you sure there isn't more to this?

[Nonky]

I asked the mother and she said that this parent had told her and her daughter about my son biting her son (1 year 3 months ago). The daughter then thought she would get bitten if she came round. I am a teacher and if anything I tend to always believe other people other than my own children if someone says they have done something as the last thing I want to do is become one of those precious parents who thinks their child can't do wrong! I have asked some other parents of children in his class out of this friendship group and they are always very surprised as they say they have never heard of anything negative about my son. All the staff are surprised - I even insisted they monitored my son for a good week after the event to check he wasn't antagonizing this child - they actually confirmed it was the other way round and the reguarly had to stop the other child confronting mine.

I am 100% sure he was innocent of the biting - the teacher witnessed it, my son had bite marks - the other child didn't. I full espect there was a two way winding each other up/name calling - i understand this. The fact is she was so desperate for her son not to get a bad reputation, she has made this up about mine!

Not a politician or celebrity - think more chair of PTA/Govs type thing

[Nonky]

I went into school at the time about this and they were great about it. They said if this woman said anything like it again they would ban her from the playground despite her being who she is - she hasn't said anything since but has never admitted it was her son and therefore this general sense of my son being a biter has remained in people's mind. She was very vocal about it at the time,

[shazzarooney99]

Look i am not being funny but people dont hold onto these things for long, are you sure theres not more going on in school? and that your child maybe hitting but your not being told? because i know a lot of times teachers dont say anything unless its a persistent or serious problem,it doesnt make sense,this usually mostly happens to sen children and thats for a reason.

[CocktailQueen]

Wtf? How do you mean she's 'influential'? She sounds like a lying, interfering bat to me. Seems vv odd that she had that much effect that your DS has been excluded from parties for a year! Her being on the PTA/board of ho vs surely wouldn't be enough for this!

[DoreenLethal]

She is gaslighting!

You need to file a written complaint about her.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Make an appointment with the HT and explain all this just as you have here, and ask for advice.

It sounds as if they need a clear word with the other parent establishing and agreeing the facts of what happened so it's on record she has been told this (and a bite will probably have been recorded at the time) and then possibly a word with other parents in the class to say they've become aware of gossip circulating about this child, it is negatively affecting the child and for the record it is untrue.

[MoMoTy]

I too find it hard that a parent has such an ongoing vendetta against a 6yo child. And do you really mean that every single parent has belived this woman's story and excluded your child based on that? That every other child has never bitten and all the other parents can't see beyond this?
No i really think something more has happened op. Go in and speak to the teacher with examples of how he has been excluded.

[Nonky]

Thank so much for all the advice. I can totally see why people are thinking there may be more to this and that my son is actually causing problems. I did myself! But I know my son and this parents son are actually really good friends and as I said the school handled this very well at the time and I have made sure the teacher (v. small school) lets me know of any major or minor incident so that I can come down on him like a ton of bricks if it were him at any time!

I think the hard thing is this has happened, was dealt with at the time but the feeling with a certain 'popular' group of parents (again being a small school probably doesn't help) has not gone away. I am not one of their group (I am as friendly as I can be with them) but my children are friends with their children (by choice in school according to the teachers) but they are actively being encouraged to not get involved with him.

[BishopBrennansArse]

this usually mostly happens to sen children and thats for a reason

and what do you think that 'reason' is?
Most kids with SEND are actively harmed or bullied by the other children in school. They are more likely to be bullied by their NT peers.

Most behaviours in children with SEND are either due to the staff not meeting their needs correctly or sometimes through extreme provocation either by the adults, children or by the surrounding environment.

The 'reason' so far as I can see (being a parent of 3 kids who have SEND) is simply prejudice. Parties held by parents of kids who attend special school are so much nicer. You don't get this 'ooh mustn't let little Johnny go to that child's party' like their SEND is contagious or something.

I think OP you're being subject to prejudice but obviously for a different reason - an adult lying about your child. In your shoes I'd have a chat to the school about seeing this parent talking to your child in the playground, and that for some reason incorrect information about the incident is circulating, to your DS' detriment. Ask their advice (with their school community knowledge).

[Nonky]

It's not every single parent by any means. Many others just raise their eyebrows when this woman is mentioned. But it is a small school and she is ring leader of a large group within this small school.

[shazzarooney99]

BishopBrennansArse, I have a Sen child myself and am quite aware thank you. are you telling me its not true? that most sen children dont get inited to parties ect?

[Gazelda]

I think this situation has been allowed to go on far too long. I'm incredulous that an incident in Reception has been mis-told and spread like wildfire through a whole school, and exagerated to the point where children in other yeargroups are afraid to go near the alleged perpetrator's family home!

I'd be meeting with the teacher and head, and requesting that an anti-bullying message be given to the whole school and sent home for reinforcement.

Can you invite any of DS's closer friends over to play/tea? Start slowly but you can gradually help him build a group of friends who will demonstrate to others that your DS is a good guy to spend time with.

[theycallmemellojello]

God this does sound bad. I agree that you need to discuss the issue directly with the school, it does sound like bullying or scapegoating, how horrible. But I would say that even though a situation like this can make you feel like everyone knows, in reality this woman will have told a small number of people and changed the opinion of even fewer. Not that makes it ok at all of course, I just mean that you shouldn't think that everyone in the class is of the same opinion. But frankly it might be something the teacher has to tackle directly. Good luck.

[Nonky]

Maybe it is me they don't particularly like! My eldest daughter was recently invited to a party held by a parent in this group. She was delighted and said her friend must've persauded her mum to let her go as initially her mum said no as she wasn't really in the 'in group'! Honestly, I think the children in this instance are far more grown up and emotionally stable than the adults!

[MoMoTy]

Sorry op I didn't mean to imply that your ds is the problem child. When I said there could be other reasons, it may be things like the kids are not as close friends/ parents having smaller parties with only very close friends. Speak to the teacher, they will tell you how all the kids do get on.