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Work friend telling me what a wonderful life XP and OW have and now I'm feeling shit

(71 Posts)
CinnamonBunYou Fri 08-Jan-16 22:09:07

Apologies for this long, boring, woe is me rant but have no one to talk to and want to get it off my chest.

Split with XP three weeks before DD was born. He was having an affair and the whole break up was awful and him and his family got very nasty and I was the bad one, they said I had made this girl up (the girl he is still with) and it was my fault we broke up because I was depressed and I was neglecting him. After DD was born, I blocked all his family and friends and him from my Facebook because I didn't want them checking up on me and causing trouble and I also didn't want to know what he was up to with OW. I had a few 'friends' trying to shit stir and tell me stuff they had seen on his Facebook and it either ended up me being angry or upset. I told people I didn't want to know and not to tell me what he put about me or DD as it wasn't helpful and I wanted to get on with my life.

Two years later and I'm still not over what he did and the way him and his family treated me but I do see OW did me a favour taking the man shaped child from me and I try not to think about it. The one thing that gets to me is DD spending time with the OW, it really eats me up inside but when he has DD he is obviously going to have her around DD and there isn't anything I can do about it so I just lump it. I try not to care what he gets up to in his life or how he spends his time with DD as that is his time with her so I don't ask and don't look at his Facebook. Ignorance is how I cope.

Was talking to my work friend about his mum boasting to me how XP and OW have bought a house together. I was saying I don't understand why he can't see DD more if he has his own place and lives with OW and was wondering if OW has a problem with him seeing DD. He makes out DD is his reason for breathing and he is this doting father to anyone who will listen but blames his work for not seeing her. I know it's bullshit but he's so charming no one else sees through it. He sees her 3 hours a week and that's it. I ask him to have her more all the time and he either ignores me or makes excuses.

Anyway my work friend asked me if I ever look on his Facebook and I said no, I wasn't interested. Next day she comes in and tells me how she looked on his profile and told me a load of stuff I didn't want to know. How he had pics of him, OW and DD together playing happy families and how lovely there house was, their new cars and holidays abroad, posts about weddings etc and it's really upset me. I'm on my own struggling and I do all the hard parts and and I'm always skint. I don't get to go holidays or out with my friends and no one would ever be interested in me relationship wise (single mum with herpes - thanks to him) so I'm single and will be for the rest of my life.

Now I'm really down because it's made me realise how shit my life seems compared to theirs and how much better DD would be with them than me. They have a nicer house and can afford to take her everywhere and I live in a tiny crappy rented house that has damp and I have to go without everything to make sure DD has nice stuff. I work a shitty job that I hate to make sure I can provide for her. Made me wonder why I don't get to be happy but people like them do. I can fully see DD being ashamed of me as she gets older and thinking her dad is wonderful.

Aibu for feeling this way?

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 08-Jan-16 22:14:02

Sweetheart !

He is vile - his family are vile and as for this so called friend - she is vile too

I know it's cheesy but the best revenge is being happy

I think you need a digital detox and to get very assertive with this friend

Truly believe his behaviour will come get him eventually - and your DD will grow up and make her own mind

Be patient and strong and proud of yourself

You are bringing up a daughter and providing for her on your own

You really need to work on yourself esteem flowers

And bet he cheats on her too eventually

BedTimeNow Fri 08-Jan-16 22:15:18

No Yanbu

sounds rubbish, but your friend is worse why would she tell you al of this? she's really stirring isn't she.

NNalreadyinuse Fri 08-Jan-16 22:15:56

Fb isn't real. People use it to portray the perfect life they want to have, rather than the one they actually live. So yes, the good events will be posted about, but the crappy ones will be conveniently left out. So try not to take their fb pages to heart.

The way people have used fb has caused a lot of heartache. I think you are wise to block anyone connected to your ex and not to look. I think though, that you should avoid talking to people about him and his family because that invites their comments and their snooping on his life.

AWafferthinmint Fri 08-Jan-16 22:16:56

Also remember that Facebook only shows you the filtered parts that people want you to see. Everyone's life looks fantastic on Facebook, nobody shows you the bad parts.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 08-Jan-16 22:17:29

And if he only sees her three hours a week she is hardly going to want to move in is she !

donajimena Fri 08-Jan-16 22:19:18

One of my close friends was left a single parent. She also has/had herpes. She's recently got married.

Snapespeare Fri 08-Jan-16 22:22:33

People paint a pretty picture in social media, it doesn't reflect reality at all.

As an aside, I am a single mum with herpes, my kids are (late teens) teenagers now, so it's a slightly different circumstance, but please don't think no-one will ever want you again because of the herpes and/or your parenting responsibilities. It just means you have an automatic arsehole filter. At some point, when the time is right, I'm sure you will meet someone who sees you. in the meantime, take your ex and ow with a pinch of salt, concentrate on the best revenge being a life well led and look after yourself.

Griphook Fri 08-Jan-16 22:24:33

I can fully see DD being ashamed of me as she gets older and thinking her dad is wonderful.

Or she will see a strong, independent woman who wasn't prepared to shit on by a man. Someone that valued themself enough to walk away.
Someone who worked hard to provide for her dd.

She sees him 3 hours a week, it's hardly a relationship of any substance.

I hope you are getting child support from him

Tamponlady Fri 08-Jan-16 22:42:07

He can't see your dad more because he's a cock tbh count your blessings he's not the sort of role model you really want for your child any way

CinnamonBunYou Fri 08-Jan-16 22:43:44

He was manipulative arsehole with me and every other girlfriend he's had so I doubt it will be much different for OW and she is only 20 (18 when they met - he was 27) so I know it was a blessing in disguise. I know he will cheat on her if he hasn't already but she seems the sort to stay with him just to keep a hold of him. I know Facebook isn't real life but it's so hard to remember that when I see how happy he apparently is and I'm having a shit time at the moment.

To be honest DD doesn't want to go with him half the time and she clings onto me but bribe her with new toys and nice things and she comes around.

I like to hope as she gets older she will see him for what he really is but I can see him manipulating her into believing his bullshit. I hope she doesn't get blinded by all the material things her has and can give her, and she has more sense.

He does pay for her but only because his mum makes him because she's so scared of what people might say if he doesn't.

IMustNotForgetMyPasswordAgain Fri 08-Jan-16 22:48:13

If he is doing so well, why is he not paying a reasonable amount of maintenance?

I'm sure your DD (and probably the OW as well) will realise what a shit he is eventually.

CinnamonBunYou Fri 08-Jan-16 22:50:07

Thank you Snapespeare and donajimena, that's the one thing that holds me back from even thinking about meeting someone. My ex doesn't have that problem, clearly as he's happy enough to start sexual relationships without telling the person beforehand and letting them decide whether or not they want this incurable, contagious STI. I would never be able to do that to someone so I really worry about having to tell a potential partner and have them run a mile

ollieplimsoles Fri 08-Jan-16 22:51:58

Op this is a shit situation, I'm so sorry for you.

Your a much better person than me, I would not that stupid little girl anywhere near my dd..

My dad tried the material bullshit with my sister and me, it didn't work.

Lots if people will disagree with me buy don't be afraid to cut contact down if he starts being a shit to dd when she us older and she really doesn't want to spend time with him.


tallwivglasses Fri 08-Jan-16 22:52:06

Oh OP, we don't need a crystal ball to see that your ex H will cheat on OW and your DD will grow up realising which parent really loves her. You're very wise to block him and his family on facebook. Tell workmate to fuck off.

CinnamonBunYou Fri 08-Jan-16 22:56:53

IMustNotForgetMyPasswordAgain he does pay for her. He refused at first but his mum made him and she used to drop it off at my house. She stopped doing it for him after a few months and left it to him but he stopped paying so I went through CMS and he had to pay a lot more than he was doing

ouryve Fri 08-Jan-16 22:57:48

Well, if you have herpes, then so do they.

Your work friend isn't much of a friend really, rubbing it in when you were making a point of not looking. And a high percentage of what's posted on FB is superficial bullshit, anyhow. And you know this because your DD is apparently having the time of her life with them for a whole 3 hours a week.

If you're not already, I'd get the child support the official way, btw. Too bad if it means he has to give up the HP (because it will be) on one of his cars or toys.

ouryve Fri 08-Jan-16 22:58:50

x-post - I see you are going through the CMS.

Italiangreyhound Fri 08-Jan-16 22:59:16

CinnamonBunYou everyone is speaking loads of sense, please do listen to them.

Please seek some self esteem stuff on line or classes from somewhere like Mind.

I think if he is such a prick it is a good thing he only wants to see his daughter a few hours a week. He may well not be the greatest influence over her so I would see it as positive he doesn't spend too much time with her.

PLEASE do not think she would rather be with him than you, you are her mum, pretty much her whole world at that age!

Please think of yourself and the future. When she is a bit older and at school, or possibly now if you get the chance, can you do some study or aim for a different more rewarding job in the future that will give you more cash for things you would like.

Concentrate on you and your dd, making your life better together.

I'm torn about this friend, is she shit stirring or just thick! You decide. If it happens again with her or another person, just hold up a hand (like a stop sign police officer directing traffic) and say clearly 'Let me stop you there, Elaine, Bridget, Desmond... when I said 'no, I wasn't interested' I meant it. I am not at all interested in hearing about his activities." If the friend carries on regardless go to the loo or out to make a coffee and then just say "Am I making a coffee for you too, because if you are going to keep talking about my ex I think we'd better stop chatting for now." Or words to that affect. Others may have stronger words!

MistressDeeCee Fri 08-Jan-16 23:00:01

Their life won't be as perfect as its depicted on FB. Everybody exaggerates on there. Forget them, be the best you can be for yourself and your DD, do stuff that makes you happy. There is no way your DD will look down on you in time to come. She will remember you were there for her always. I raised my DDs alone their dad has been with OW for years now. After being absent for years he wanted more of a relationship with DDs they're cool with him but tell me, they will always value me as both their mum & dad. They see him but very irregularly and make no great effort.. our plans come 1st. Can't see why it won't be the same for you

As for this "friend" - don't talk to her about anything to do with your ex and his family ever again. & if she raises any convo tell her very firmly to stop it, and do that the moment she starts. Only a horrible person would do what she's done, even if I knew or thought a mate's ex who treated her like shit was having a good life I would NEVER say it. She said it to you because she's not a friend in fact Id be distancing myself so she got the piss off message.

& again, remember FB is an illusion, its about being seen and heard so of course people are going to portray the dream lifestyle.. its bullshit really

Italiangreyhound Fri 08-Jan-16 23:00:26

he had to pay a lot more than he was doing GREAT, make sure it stays that way!

Jux Fri 08-Jan-16 23:05:01

I'm glad you went to CMS. You could go to Court to have contact set it stone, but I think your dd is better off with less contact rather than more. She does have a right to a relationship with both parents but he doesn't have a right to anything to do with her. Remember that, it may come up sometimes.

Meanwhile, be the strong independent woman that you are. Set that gorgeous little girl a great example, of a woman who won't take any shit.

LardLizard Fri 08-Jan-16 23:05:29

Ouch, that must have been painful
So sorry that hurt you

But your right he is a first class shit bag your well rid of
Your doing amazing all you've been through your child. Will grow up to really respect you
Just remember to respect yourself too as your doing brill

Needaninsight Fri 08-Jan-16 23:05:53

Be thankful he only has her for 3 hours a week.

Distance yourself. You are worth 10 of them.

Ps. It's herpes. A crappy virus (annoying, painful at times and yes, a pain in the arse but it's not a life threatening illness.) Get on some support networks for help/advice.

CinnamonBunYou Fri 08-Jan-16 23:24:28

My best friend at work is on holiday so had to make do with the other work friend. She is a bit of a shit stirrer and often is the starter of chinese whispers at work so I should have known better but I didn't think she would go snooping and break her neck to tell me. I did tell her afterwards that I don't want to know and told her not to tell me anything in future.

Thank you everyone for your advice and words of support. I feel a bit better now smile

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