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To think I've done it all wrong

(7 Posts)
sixoclocktea Fri 08-Jan-16 18:06:09


First of all, I have lurked long enough to know AIBU can be a bit harsh and I don't mind harsh, but do please listen to me and see if you can understand or give me some useful pointers.

I'm now approaching the end of my 30s and am as alone as I can be. I do have friends, but I don't have a "group" I can really go out with - it tends to be that I'll go out for lunch with one friend, or go to see another, but never anything "big."

I'm also single, and I always have been and if I'm honest, can't see this changing.

Perhaps because I have a "big" birthday this year, I'm not sure, but I've been really thinking about how this came about when it shouldn't.

I think the problems started at school. I didn't fit in very easily, and there was some bullying at primary, but nothing major. At secondary though, things were just awful.

I think I became quite defensive and tried to convince myself it didn't matter as I was working hard and would get a good job and nice home and the family life I craved (my family weren't very accepting.)

Over twenty years later and I feel like an idiot when I realise those who laughed at me at school were right; I might once have looked down on those who left school at 16 and had children young but they celebrate their birthdays with friends and with family, have homes and children and partners of their own.

How did I get it so wrong?
And will I ever get a chance to put it right?

Figwin Fri 08-Jan-16 18:11:53

It's just the path your life has taken. Some settled people are probably envious of you and your freedom.

If you wish to settle down and have children there is still time but you may need to put yourself out there a bit. Try classes or a dating site or event. Plenty of women have kids in their 40s. Plenty older women adopt or foster. There's no set way for one to become two or more. Just own the situation and grab life by the horns x

honeysucklejasmine Fri 08-Jan-16 18:13:30

It's not too late, it never is. flowers

MoreGilmoreGirls Fri 08-Jan-16 18:16:05

I did not settle down and have kids late 30s there is still plenty of time. Maybe you should look at some counselling to address your confidence issues as yes you will need to put yourself out there a bit.

Do you have hobbies? Member of any clubs etc? Start by meeting some new people and see where it leads. Good luck

Funnymousey Fri 08-Jan-16 18:30:54

Its just the way life turns out sometimes. I have the same situation with friends. I have a few close individual friends but they don't know each other so its always as you describe. I look at those groups of women out in the town or on Facebook and I do feel envious. But if I'm being completely honest with myself I've never liked large groups of female friends as ive always suspected it can get a bit bitchy and I don't need that crap!
Often I think we make choices in life that are right for us, but it doesn't stop us wondering if we are missing out on the things we haven't chosen iyswim?
You have plenty of time to find a partner if you want to, but maybe you are frightened of being hurt so have avoided it so far?
The bullies who picked on you at school were wankers then and I'm sure still are as I don't think nice kind people bully. Remember they are the losers for their past behaviour and don't give them another thought, the nasty bastards! X

sixoclocktea Fri 08-Jan-16 19:37:38

Perceptions are interesting, but I have never felt free. On the contrary, I feel a bit trapped, as a lot of things I'd like to do aren't possible alone.

smalldinosaur Fri 08-Jan-16 20:09:31

You've not done it all wrong at all. You can't have done because there's no right or wrong way or rule book we are meant to follow.

We often change what we want and need as time moves on though and there sounds to be situations now that you would like to change. It's natural, I think, to look back and say, well if only I'd done this or that, I'd not be in this situation now. But we have no way of knowing if that might be the case.

All you can do is look at what you do want and find ways to try bring those about. It totally is NOT too late. If your confidence is a bit on the low side then maybe don't aim to make huge changes unless you really want to.

Think of activities you enjoy - what things make you happiest - walking, reading, crafts, debating, learning, sports etc etc? And try find somewhere you can do it with others. It's amazed me the things that have led to something else. I joined an evening class. It folded because it didn't have enough people for the council to keep it going. So someone on the course volunteered their house. 10 years later we still meet there. And another sub group has formed out of that and we meet for coffee in the week and a chat. I've met friends of these people and in turn have become friends with them. I joined the WI and found a group with a diverse membership. I've met new people, learned interested stuff and tried things I'd never have thought to try or indeed would think I'd particularly wanted to try.

I had one or two friends at school and was not one of the popular kids ever. At 55 I have a better social life then I've ever had. I don't want another relationship but I've met guys who are friends, one of whom wanted us to try a proper relationship. The more you try new things and say 'yes' to things you aren't sure you want to try, the more opportunities you are opening up for yourself. My Dad met the love of his life in his late 70's and studied for a BA and an MA in retirement after a lifetime repairing domestic appliances. Thank heavens we aren't 'old' in our 40's and 50's as previous generations were considered to be.

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