AIBU to be unsure how I feel about DS losing his virginity?(54 Posts)
Ok, I apologise in advance as this will probably be a long OP, but to avoid confusion and drip feeding there's some background which may or may not matter.
DH and I have 3 DSs. DS1 is our biological son, DS2 and DS3 are brothers, sons of family friends who we adopted after their parents died. At the time, DS2 was 15 and having a pretty rough time of it so we always made it very clear he wasn't an outsider, that we thought of both him and DS3 as part of our family and if he ever needed advice or to talk about anything or just a hug we would be there for him. A couple of times he did, but for the most part kept it to himself.
Fast forward to four years ago, DS2 met his current girlfriend and found a kindred spirit almost.
Fast forward again to a few days ago, they had come over for dinner and I noticed something was a little off about them. When we were on our own I asked him if he was ok and he said that he was, then a while later cornered me and said (with a face the colour of the red cabbage mind you!) that he and girlfriend had had sex for the first time and he was a little unsure if it was supposed to change anything, or if it was a sign she wanted him to propose. Long story short we had a brief chat about it (pink cheeks all around), I assured him that I didn't think she was trying to get him to marry her, he assured me he had wanted to do it, we both returned to company in better spirits.
Now I'm thinking about the conversation I'm feeling a little strange about it. Not because I think he shouldn't have had sex because frankly he's 24 years old, it's his body part and his life, but I almost feel like he's grown up to the point where he simply doesn't need me. AIBU to feel like this?
I can totally see why you feel a bit odd, it's that 'my boy has grown up now!'feeling, but I don't take that is meaning he doesn't need you. You'll always be mum. Even the nicest girlfriends can come and go. And I think it was really nice that he talked to you. All is ok I reckon.
Yes YABU how does he not need you anymore?From what you've said it sounds like you have a very close and very loving relationship with your son.
You sound lively op. Only thing unusual is a 24 year old having absolutely no clue about sex/relationships. Does he know about contraception? Good on them for waiting 4 years though!
I think the conversation you had simply proves how much he still does need you for guidance and support. The fact that he felt able to talk to you about it and you were able to say the right sort of stuff, is pretty fantastic.
He does need you! He wanted to talk to you about it. It must be bittersweet sometimes when they are grown up but you always need your Mum. Maybe he would like more of a chat sometimes about it? You sound very caring.
wipes sweat from forehead glad to know I'm not just being PFB (PSB?)
ijustwannadance I must admit that was my first question too! He assured me that they were safe, with his face still beetroot coloured. snickers
I might be outing myself here but to summarise our conversation, he's worried that because he's a bit shy and she's quite gobby she'll get bored and go somewhere else (which, with my clear and unbiased mind, I don't see happening), but also worried about finally letting go of whatever emotions he's been keeping under wraps since he was in his tweens.
Ah, bless him. You've raised an excellent man.
Incidentally, I found out that DD had recently granted the last favours, but rather more obliquely. Her bf was having lunch with us, and said something that made it plain they were sharing a bed. I remarked "thanks for answering a question I could never ask". Which is about as close we'll come to a shotgun. I think I might have got this fatherhood thing mostly right.
My post was meant to say that you sound lovely, not lively!
Just a brief update, DS called me tonight and mentioned that he had thought about our conversation and talked to his girlfriend about it and said that he felt a lot better about it.
Thanks a lot for the reassuring posts guys, glad I'm not just being weird .
To be honest, I find it odd that he thought sex = proposal. What kind of sex ed upbringing did he have? Is she very religious? Is he?
Bit confused by this. Sorry if I missed something obvious!
Not at all, to be honest I'm a bit confused myself.
My theory is that while we're not particularly religious his parents were quite strict that he would be keeping his hands above her waist until they were planning on marrying each other at some point, and they were both adamant they wanted their first times to be with the right person, so maybe he thought that the fact she was asking about it meant she wanted them to tie the knot? I honestly don't know, and when I asked he said he didn't know either...
Oh well, at least he's had a good first time!
it is an emotional moment. I know how you feel.
I think you are very wrong that he no longer needs you. For a 24 year old man to confide that in you shows you are much closer than most mother son relationships. For him to feel the need to ask advice even at the cost of being embarrassed means he values your opinion a lot.
I do find it extremely unusual though, that a couple in their 20's would wait four years to have sex. I can't really quite get my head around that one.
I do not say that often, but your family sounds incredibly lovely and you seem very sweet.
No matter the age, if you have a good relationship like you seem to have with you son, he will always need you. Not in term of dependence, but in term of emotional support and love. I am approaching 30 with a good job and good relationships, but I like to think that I will always need my maman and my papa. As previous posters said above, we value the opinions and support of our loved one, and that's where the need exists. It is a beautiful and positive need.
Do not worry!
Did he talk to his gf about whether suggesting sex meant she was looking for marriage, or that he talked to you? (I'm really hoping it was the former, as it sounds like they need to have that talk - esp as if they are 24 and have been together without sex for four years already there is a possibility that she might actually be wanting to get married, so he should probably at least work out what he wants!)
In the nicest possible way, when a child's parents die it's entirely possible for that child to be 'stuck' at a certain age, with certain attitudes. Op may well have talked about sex in a more open way than DS2's parents, for example, but DS2 Might not have ready or able to listen, or may have felt disloyal moving on from his early teenage attitudes.
OP you sound like you have a lovely family and that DS2 has made a big step forward into his adult life and how lovely he was able to talk to you about it
Oh lovey, if he didn't need you he wouldn't have talked to you about it! I see your point, that he's moving on to the next stage of his life, but he's still communicating with you and that's great! I don't think you have anything much to worry about.
My concern would be that he has been with this girl for four years,waited to have sex then finally done it and you are the person he talks to a out it?!.
Their communication does not seem to be very good which after 4 years is a bit concerning. I not surprised you don't know how to feel about it cos it is quite sad he feels he needs to discuss it with you- don't get me wrong, it says a lot of positive things about your relationship with him but either he or they have issues.
Sadly, I think you're right in that they both have issues. Not as a couple, in fact considering the problems they've been through I'm a little amazed they're quite as strong as they are, but certainly as individuals.
Frankly if anyone I know's reading this then I'm outed so I may as well say whatever but GF lost her parents a few weeks before meeting DS, so a lot of their early relationship was characterised by DS being a shoulder to cry on when she couldn't keep being strong anymore. Is it possible that's why he's more keen to talk to me, because he's scared of overloading her even now?
Both DS and GF have nightmares, they both tend to bottle their feelings up, both the oldest living siblings (feeling responsibility towards the younger ones maybe?), DS has had numerous problems physically and mentally. I'm trying to encourage him to talk to GF more about how he's feeling, not instead of us because that's not going to help anything but I'm fairly sure if he only ever talks to me it's going to be bad for them long term.
Just wanted to say how lovely you are OP. The boys are so lucky to have you and I'm sure their parents would be so proud of you x
I think it is a really good sign that he recognises that he is not yet ready for marriage - and let's face it, DS's communication with GF indicate that.
One step at the time. Having sex isn't anything final, for him, or for your role as parent.
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