DH being over friendly(156 Posts)
Have NC for this just wondering what others would think. My DH cheated a few years ago with someone who came into the family as a friend. I left him for several months, then we decided to give it a go for the kids and obviously I forgave the cheating.
However the OW was classed as both of our friend, and used the excuse that we were going through a bad patch and that she thought we were 'over'
Anyway fast forward a few years, no other issues. Have moved to a new area and have become good friends with a girl I met at work. I know you can never be certain after infidelity but DH has also become very friendly with her, and tbh is acting in a similar way as he did back then - think sitting in the kitchen chatting for 2+ hours while I sit in the lounge, play fighting, etc. She is younger than me and I don't think she would actually do anything tbh, she is currently in a very complicated relationship with a total bastard and comes round a lot because she lives nearby and I think is lonely (her family are 2 hours away) she hasn't changed her behaviour around me at all.
I suppose what I am asking is AIBU to feel a sense of deja vu and feel that if my DH doesn't look at her that way (she is pretty and him thinking that wouldn't bother me) he is being a damn insensitive twat for being so over friendly? Considering what's happened in the past although I've forgiven him AIBU to expect him to be more careful how he behaves?
Just to clarify my DH is a very jealous person - he trusts me 100% to be faithful but would be fucking fuming if I was so friendly with a bloke - even his close friends of 20 years plus.
your H does "playfighting" with a girl you met at work ?
in your house ?
in plain sight ?
his jealousy of you is pure projection, mate
if my H did "playfighting" with anyone I would consider he must have had a lobotomy in his lunch hour and then kick him the fuck out
why the hell are you standing by and watching him make a complete mug of you ?
^ just asking the same as AF.
I can't imagine anybody putting up with that sort of behaviour.
Not at all.
Don't believe she wouldn't cheat with your 'nice' guy - anyone in a complicated relationship with a dick head has crappy boundaries and could easily
Your dh is a dick.
I honestly don't know. I'm far from naive and I know I can never say I trust him 100% ever again. He does admit his jealousy is unreasonable but says he can't help it (obviously I must look like a fucking supermodel although I see very different in the mirror)
I suppose I don't actually think there is anything going on but given the past if he said to me 'you don't think I would sleep with *#%%# do you?' Then the answer would be 'if she offered then I'd be a dickhead to convince myself you'd say no wouldn't i'
He does 'play fighting?'
I consider myself to be pretty laid back, but I certainly wouldn't tolerate that!! What is the reason for them sitting in the kitchen, and you in another room? Have you spoken to him about this? Tbh, it doesn't sound like he has changed.
no, he doesn't think that you are a supermodel that no man can resist
his mind only comprehends his own behaviour...he is projecting his own thought processes
men cheat, therefore they will cheat with you ie. he is the cheat
please do not think his possessiveness reflects well on you, that is a common misconception. Being flattered by some sexual incontinent's jealousy when it is actually a fucking insult is a fool's game
If it wasn't for my DC then I would have divorced him the first time. He's very good at reverse psychology though so I am gonna think very carefully about what I say and how firm im going to be. His past gives reason for distrust but I'm not gonna be that woman who is suspicious of ALL women because of one OW
when they are "playfighting"
groping each other right in front of your eyes what do you do ?
make yourself scarce so they can get inside the underwear ?
you don't have to be suspicious of any women...you need to be suspicious of him
you didn't learn that lesson ?
that sounds you think he was blameless and it was the other OW's fault he shagged her
did she lead him on ?
I haven't asked anything about it yet to be fair. I've had massive family
Issues over Christmas - mind has been totally elsewhere and trying to keep my emotions in check in front of my DC. I haven't discussed it with anyone else because I don't want them to become a raging lynch mob ( not yet anyway lol) so I suppose that's why I posted on here. I'm really taken aback about his behaviour because he knows full well I wouldn't forgive again. I've told him more than once I'd be taking my kids and fucking off back to my family, and he'd have one hell of a bitch on his hands after everything I've been through for him (a lot)
If my friend thought I was thinking like this my initial instinct would be that she'd probably be scared of a good hiding. But I've only known her six months
Been there, got the t-shirt.
Your instincts are probably exactly the same as last time ("something ain't right here") and I'll stick my neck out here and say that if he's not cheated on you yet, the stage is set for it to happen. Like last time.
This feeling of "dèja vu" is exactly that - you've seen it all before so it's likely the outcome will be the same.
You need to tell him how you feel pronto. And fuck his double standards; as a pp said there's a lot of projection from guys prone to infidelity - namely their going off the deep end if their wife/gf so much as smiles at another bloke.
YANBU. In fact I'd go as far as to say get a plan together as to what you'll do if he cheats again. You can call him out on his behaviour, but you can't guarantee he'll take heed.
Sorry OP and
Anyfucker I'm asking for genuine
Advice not nasty comments. If I blamed the 'OW' this thread would be about my friend wouldn't it not my DH. What I'm saying is that I don't want to be blowing my top at an innocent woman who genuinely is just being friendly
Ps: ditch your "friend" as she's as thick/disrespectful about appropriate boundaries as your "D"H.
He knows what I'd do - throw his arse out and his stuff behind him. And within a week my mum would have a movers truck here for me and the DC and storage for my shit. I'd be staying at hers until I found a house. I'm just psyching myself up I suppose cos I know what's coming
the only nasty person described on this thread is your H
why would your friend be "scared of a good hiding" ?
2manysweets I'm not really surprised about my friend because she is only young and only had one serious relationship with a guy who is a complete childish dick head. She is quite immature really so I don't think she has any idea about the boundaries - I don't know her well enough to have disclosed all of our past to her
Because she asked me once what I'd do to a friend who slept with my DH (her dickhead did it to her) and that was my response
I asked a genuine question
When your husband is groping your friend/they are groping each other, what do you actually do ? As in, do you put a rictus smile on and pretend it's ok ? Laugh along as they wrestle like toddlers on the rug ? Go and make a brew ? Look out of the window/inspect your nails ? What ?
I just cannot imagine the scenario.
Why do you keep inviting her round and then sitting in a different room for 2 hours at a time?
The only time I have ever indulged in 'play-fighting' as an adult is... well, you wouldn't do that with someone else's partner.
You don't think that might have been a loaded question ?
It's not normal for an acquaintance of 6 months to be scoping out what your reaction would be to her sleeping with your H
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